Movie Reviews… From The Future!

The 2007 Tribeca Film Festival is fast approaching and I will be attending five films this year. Despite the fact that I am not employed by any journalistic entity and I had to purchase my own tickets, I am henceforth to be referred to as an esteemed member of the press. My esteem is non-negotiable! This is journalism of the mind, my friend, and in my mind, I am now a journalist. All those opposed can suck it.

To set myself apart from those other schmucks (ie: paid journalists), I will be employing a radical new approach in my coverage of the festival. In lieu of your traditional movie review, wherein the critic views the film before passing his godlike judgment, I shall be writing my reviews without having seen frame one. One month from now, when the festival is over, I will revisit my reviews, simultaneously ushering in a new age of film criticism. Here are the films I will be seeing:

The Poughkeepsie Tapes

The Poughkeepsie Tapes attempts to do for serial killers what The Blair Witch Project did for Blair Witches. When the personal home videos of “The Water Street Butcher” are discovered in an abandoned house, they wind up on the internet faster than the Pam and Tommy sex tape. A creepy tale of torture and murder unfolds as we are subject to the Butcher’s snuff films intercut with a so called panel of expert’s MST3K-like commentary. Not the most original setup, but then again, it wasn’t original back in ’99, as The Blair Witch Project owes a huge debt to Cannibal Holocaust. To my knowledge, Cannibal Holocaust was the first film to use actual “found footage” to tell its story, other than The Ten Commandments. As for the P Tapes, at times the low production value and grainy DV prevent the film from being truly effective, but much of the imagery is downright creepy.

Avida

Not to be confused with Evita, this film was made completely without the involvement of Madonna or Oliver Stone. Avida is a farcical French romp concerning the botched kidnapping of a fat billionaire’s dog by a deaf mute and 2 drug addicts. Sometimes too self consciously French for its own good, Avida succeeds partly due to a grotesque sense of humor and a surprising lack of Gerard Depardieu style buffoonery. Score one for the French. I liked this film more than their ticklers, but significantly less than their toast.

I Have Never Forgotten You

A lighthearted look at the everyday life of your friendly neighborhood Nazi hunter and a sneak peek at the inner workings of his beautiful mind. No, he’s not Walt Disney, he’s Simon Wiesenthal. He hunts Nazis. Contains previously unseen footage of Wiesenthal hunting Nazis in the wild accompanied by the handsome narration of Oscar winning waif, Nicole Kidman. The only way this documentary could be any better is if there were sharks in it. Because if there is anything people like more than Nazis, it’s sharks. They go together like chocolate and peanut butter.

Black Sheep

New Zealand has had the market cornered on schlocky horror-comedies dating all the way back to the Peter Jackson helmed masterpiece Dead Alive. Granted, there have been misfires along the way (Undead, I’m looking in your direction,) but for the most part, if you want wacky and gory, New Zealand is your man. Now that Peter Jackson has moved on to bigger and… well, bigger things, it looks like Black Sheep director Jonathan King is the heir apparent to the blood spattered throne. And that blood is being spilled by killer sheep. And the film is being distributed by Mel Gibson’s Icon Productions, so you know those sheep hate the Jews.

Taxidermia

Who knew Hungary even made films? And what a film it is. Taxidermia is a masterpiece of the grotesque revolving around 3 men in a Hungarian family. It is a tour de force of vomiting, aberrant sex and animal cruelty. There is even a scene where a guy shoots flames out of his cock. I can’t believe this film was made with Sundance money. Robert Redford must be rolling over in his grave. I highly recommend you seek out this nasty little gem of a film.