2007 June « thejamminjabber

Entries from June 2007

Encapsulated Movie Reviews

June 28, 2007 · No Comments

Not wanting to devote this space entirely to my self indulgent ruminations on film, I’ve decided to present my opinions in short, tasty bursts. I will be using the Netflix five star rating system (see previous post), throwing in the much needed half star where deemed necessary.

The Neighbor No. 13: What starts out strong with abstract echoes of Persona, Lost Highway, and Fight Club quickly succumbs to the lack of focus that plagues 90% of all modern Asian films. Two Netflix stars.

Alone With Her: Colin “Yes, my father was in Bachelor Party” Hanks stars in this well conceived, insipidly executed take on the 21st century techno-stalker. The only thing scary about this was how bland it was. Two Netflix stars.

The Bridge: When the only thing you’ve got going for your documentary is footage of actual suicides, it might be time to start thinking about throwing yourself off a bridge. Never has such moral grey area been any less provocative. Two Netflix stars.

Vengeance Is Mine: Looks like narrative ADD isn’t a new problem in Asian cinema. Based on actual events, story revolves around some Asian dude who thinks his dad is a pussy, becomes a remorseless killer, shacks up with some chick for a third of the film and then kills her. Remorselessly. Two and 1/2 Netflix stars.

The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada: If Alejandro González Iñárritu and Cormac McCarthy had a baby, but they were ashamed of it because it didn’t fulfill the potential of its lineage, that baby would be this movie. I’m not saying the baby was retarded or anything. Just a disappointment. Two and 1/2 Netflix stars.

Intacto: Proving that Spanish films can be as slick as the lotharios they are famous for, Intacto is an inventive little film that ultimately doesn’t quite succeed. But I will err on the side of positive due to an abundance of good ideas and the presence of super-Swede, Max von Sydow. Three Netflix stars.

Severance: A British take on ye olde slasher flick masquerading as business satire. Not nearly as witty as it sounds. A promising setup that quickly crosses over into all too familiar territory. Two and 1/2 Netflix stars.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon: Smart little horror flick that breaks down the rules of the genre with tongue planted firmly in cheek. Light and refreshing, like a garden salad… with blood for dressing. Three Netflix stars.

I’m A Cyborg, But That’s Ok: No, it’s not okay. This just proves that films starring pop stars are a bad idea in any language. This is the Korean equivalent of David Fincher directing Mandy Moore. Two Netflix stars.

Categories: Film

Netflix and the Half Star

June 25, 2007 · 5 Comments

Happy couples use Netflix!

Brand name recognition. It’s an imposed intellectual monopoly on our toiletries and snack foods. It infiltrates our language and informs our shopping habits, causing many to chose higher priced items of equal or lesser value over their less imaginatively named counterparts. For those who have the will power to resist, you still run the risk of becoming a walking advertisement. Do you use cotton swabs, or do you use Q-tips? Tissues or Kleenex? Do you copy or Xerox? Do you drink milk shakes or Krusty Partially Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum-Based Beverages?

And now that same threat of market domination looms over how we rate our movies. That’s right. It’s a disturbing trend, but one which is becoming increasingly harder to ignore. I am, of course, referring to the Netflix Star. Just because they haven’t trademarked the term doesn’t mean it isn’t an attack on the previous industry standard of four stars. Netflix has essentially thrown down the gauntlet, saying, we are giving you more for your film rating buck, because we give you five stars. Rate films by our standards.

Integrity’s my middle name, motherfucker!

Because It’s not just on Netflix that people are using the five star system. People are actually using it to rate movies in their everyday lives. I see it on the blogs and I hear it in the streets. You see the latest generic Hollywood blockbuster? How many Netflix stars? Or, I saw that watered down romantic rehash this weekend. I’d give it four Netflix stars.

Let he who is without sin cast the first postage-paid flat rate mailer. I too have been swept up in Netflix Star mania. In fact, I have decided that five stars is too limiting for my movie rating needs and have since spearheaded an email campaign urging Netflix to give it’s users the power of the half star. I would ask all those who support the cause to please take the time to bombard Netflix customer service with emails . Or better yet, rip a starfish in half and mail it to your nearest Netflix shipping facility.

Categories: Film · Gene Shalit · Sociology

The H Bomb

June 14, 2007 · 4 Comments

Ride ‘em, cowboy!

At first I thought this was a joke, but if the BBC is reporting on it, you know its gotta be true:

The US military investigated building a “gay bomb”, which would make enemy soldiers “sexually irresistible” to each other, government papers say.

(Click HERE for full article.)

Time to call the Enola Gay out of retirement! According to the article, the 6 year, 7.5 million (!) dollar plan would use a potent aphrodisiac to provoke “widespread homosexual behavior” among enemy troops, causing what the military sensitively referred to as a “distasteful but completely non-lethal” blow to morale. Only high clearance officials were privy to the details of what would later become know as “Operation Cluster Fuck.”

When asked how making troops horny would elicit a specifically homosexual response, an anonymous military official had this to say:

We are confident that the overpowering effects of the aphrodisiac will result in an indiscriminate sexual need. That, combined with the disco music and the feather boas, should achieve the desired effect.

When pressed on the issue, his voice dropped and his eyes narrowed slightly:

Have you ever seen combat, son? From Geisha to gas tank, under the right circumstances, a horny soldier will fuck anything.

When asked if this meant that all soldiers had an inherent propensity for homosexuality, the official concluded the interview with a curt “no more questions” and beat a hasty retreat.

Other non-lethal alternatives which were also rejected include the equally ridiculous “halitosis” and “fart” bombs, although the idea of using them in conjunction with the gay bomb was deemed cruel and unusual, even by military standards.

Categories: Cute Guys In Uniform · Sexuality · War

Top 10 Reasons Why Criss Angel Is A Douche

June 8, 2007 · 16 Comments

What do you mean you already cast Glenn Close?

10. Has been honored by an organization called The Academy of Magical Arts.

09. His myspace page.

08. Claims that several of the tricks he performs are done through the power of the mind. That’s levitation, Holmes!

07. According to Wikipedia, he once played in a “heavy metal” band called Angel Dust and co-produced the “heavy metal” theme song of his television show.

06. Has been know to reveal the methods behind some of his tricks. A magician never tells!

05. His real name is Christopher Nicolas Sarantakos.

04. Will reportedly make his feature film debut playing, wait for it… a magician.

03. Still dresses like a 14 year old goth girl.

02. Recently proclaimed “love and admiration” for Cameron Diaz after stupid publicity stunt of David Blaine-like proportions.

…and the number one reason why Criss Angel, AKA Mind Fag, is a complete and utter douche bag:

01. He did magic at my mother’s wedding.

Categories: Celebrity Shit Heads · Douchebaggery · Magic

Oprah Strikes Back

June 8, 2007 · No Comments

Oprah demonstrates the meaning of the term “salad tossing” for the benefit of clueless mothers everywhere.

In her continued quest for literary credibility, Oprah has named another Pulitzer prize winning novel as her latest book club selection. Jeffrey Eugenides’ Middlesex, a heartwarming hermaphroditic epic about a young woman’s journey into manhood. What are you trying to tell us here, Oprah?

In all honesty, I can’t stay mad at Oprah. Although I was pissed when she selfishly chose The Road for her book club (see previous post), she did bring us McCarthy’s first televised interview ever. Granted, I had to become a member of Oprah.com to view it, but it was worth it. To maintain my anonymity, I signed up under the guise of an amusing nome de internet. Say hello to Oprah.com’s newest member, Incontinentia Buttocks! Take that, Oprah!