Monthly Archives: July 2007

Encapsulated Music Reviews Pt. II

Anonymous – Tomahawk:

If the sight of garbage strewn across the highway brings a tear to your eye, then this is the album for you. When asked about the decision to record an album full of authentic Native American songs, Mike Patton had only this to say- The strangeness of this life cannot be measured. In trying to produce my own death, I was elevated to the status of a living hero. And then he made horns with his fingers and began to poke me with them while repeatedly saying Tatonka.

Three Netflix stars.

Orchestra of Wolves – Gallows:

On first listen, I wasn’t too impressed with this UK punk band- and then I looked down and noticed my balls had been rocked clean off. The events that followed could best be described as a Benny Hill inspired interpretation of On Top Of Old Smokey, complete with fast motion action and zany music. That’s a spicy meat-a-ball!

Four Netflix stars.

Zookeeper – Zookeeper Ep:

That whiny dude from Mineral and The Gloria Record is back with more of his patented whinyness, only this time with a bit of an alt-country edge. He apparently still loves Jesus, though. And before you ask, yes, Jesus he knows me, and he knows I’m right. I’ve been talking to Jesus all my life.

Three Netflix stars.

Planet of Ice – Minus The Bear:

Does it make anyone else uncomfortable when this guy gets all sexy with his lyrics? Like he’s Prince and shit? It just seems out of place, to me. This slightly toned down version of MTB’s mathy dance rock is still chock full of finger tapping guitar solos and slapback echo and is sure to have critiques throwing around words like “maturity.”

Three Netflix stars.

Prog – The Bad Plus:

Tears for Fears, David Bowie, Burt Bacharach and Rush all get the Bad Plus treatment with varying degrees of love and irony. Oh yeah, and there are some damn fine originals here, too. Sometimes they seem to get overshadowed by the band’s playful renditions of popular rock songs. Overall, another tasty batch of accessible experimental jazz rock.

Three and 1/2 Netflix stars.

A Love Of Shared Disasters – Crippled Black Phoenix:

Crippled Black Phoenix is a UK “supergroup” featuring a revolving door of musicians from a bunch of bands I don’t care about and Mogwai. They are signed to Invada Records, which is run by Geoff Barrow of Portishead. They sound like a slightly more Britpop version of Mogwai at times, with some soundscapey stuff thrown in for good measure. They sound nothing like Portishead.

Three Netflix stars.

Era Vulgaris – Queens of the Stone Age:

What happened to the bombastic rock songs with huge hairy balls? QOTSA needs to get Dave Groll back, or at least that bald dude with the goatee who beat his girlfriend. This album just seems to- *Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Oh, wait here’s that song they released as a single that kinda rocks, it looks like things are- *Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Two and 1/2 Netflix stars.

Bo Derek Has Taken Her Love Of Horses A Little Too Far

Bo Derek Nude Horseback

Now that's what I call bareback!

Since I still get more hits from internet searches related to dolphin sex than anything else, I figured it was time for another bestiality themed post.

The other day, while likening Axl Rose’s hair to Bo Derek’s braids in 10, I did a Google search on Ms. Derek to ensure the proper spelling of her name (bastion of journalistic integrity that I am.) Wouldn’t you know, literally the first result to come up was a screenshot of Bo Derek riding a horse completely nude from that cinematic turd, Bolero. (I think said film also features a scene of her having a playful, topless romp with an orangutan, but I digress…)

Now we’re all aware of the erotic potential of combining women and animals, but I think Ms. Derek’s predilection for equine eros goes beyond that of your casual pervert. After going back and doing a Google image search on “Bo Derek” and “naked horseback riding,” I found numerous (two) pictures of the spirited young lass involved in nude equestrian activities. And this second picture does not appear to be a screenshot from a movie. It is a beautiful physical expression of a woman’s love for her horse.


You won’t tell anyone our secret, will you, Mr. Starshine?

If you go to Ms. Derek’s Official Website, her love of horses is portrayed with much more restraint, but the undercurrent of unbridled (get it?) sexuality is still there. A surprise awaits you inside, indeed!

And who is to blame for this woman’s unnatural love of animals? Generally a young girl’s fascination with horses begins and ends with My Little Pony. I would be inclined to point my finger at one-time husband John Derek, director of that turgid turkey, Bolero, in which we witness an innocent young girl’s introduction to the world of animal love. It was at his behest that she first doffed her clothes and mounted the filthy beast. The rest is cinematic history.

Encapsulated Music Reviews

As with my movie reviews, I will be using the modified Netflix Star rating system for reviewing music. And books. And probably restaurants, if I ever get around to it. I know some of these are on the mainstream side, but through the power of the internets, I can pirate listen to whatever the shit I want!

Zeitgeist – Smashing Pumpkins:

Smashing Pumpkins is a mediocre band that occasionally eclipses greatness. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen once on Zeitgeist. Billy Corgan is still a crappy singer, but he used to be a good enough song writer to pull a handful of memorable songs out of his ass each album. Now all he’s grabbing is fistfuls of shit. The Netflix rating system doesn’t let you give zero stars, so I am giving this one a shit sandwich.

A Pyrrhic Victory – My Vitriol:

In the late 90′s, I discovered two British bands, Muse and My Vitriol. Muse was an unabashed mixture of Radiohead and Queen, while My Vitriol had a more American post-rock influence. Both were poised for super stardom. Fast forward almost a decade and Muse is one of the biggest bands in the world while My Vitriol is starting to sound suspiciously like Muse. Three Netflix stars.

New Maps Of Hell – Bad Religion:

In 1996, Bad Religion released their first album following the departure of founding member Brett Gurewitz. The Gray Race was good, but then came the double dub of No Substance and The New America. In 2001, Gurewitz re-joined the band, along with super drummer Brooks Wackerman. After the disappointing Process of Belief, they put out two of the most kick-ass albums of their career. The Empire Strikes First and New Maps of Hell. Five Netflix stars.

The Shepherd’s Dog – Iron & Wine:

The bearded wonder has come a long way from the humble home recordings of his early career. The Shepherd’s Dog continues the expanded instrumentation he began on The Woman King Ep, this time taking a decidedly world music slant. What with all the bongos on this bad boy, it’s only a matter of time before Iron & Wine is co-opted by the hippies. I can smell the patchouli already. Three Netflix stars.

Carry On – Chris Cornell:

Dear Chris Cornell, I didn’t think anything could suck harder than Audioslave, then I heard your new solo album. I guess you are more interested in being a “vocalist” and making money than rocking people’s balls off like you used to. Do everyone a favor and give Kim Thayil a call and get Soundgarden back together. Write a new album and NO MORE MICHAEL JACKSON! Two Netflix stars.

New Moon – Elliot Smith:

The songs on this double disc are every bit as good as anything on Elliot Smith or Either/Or and way better than most of the posthumous From A Basement On A Hill. These songs predate girlfriend Jennifer Chiba, inspiration behind crappy, late-era Weezer and thought by many to have been a contributing factor to Smith’s “suicide.” Oh, why couldn’t it have been Rivers? Four Netflix stars.

Libertad – Velvet Revolver:

Dear Slash, I want so hard to like Velvet Revolver, but I just can’t. It is missing something. Possibly a soul. I’m glad to see you and Duff and Matt having some success, but do us all a favor; if Axl calls, answer the goddamn phone! Don’t write any new songs, just go on tour! Two Netflix stars.

Who’s The Boss?


Jonathan: Tony? What are you doing with your hand?

There’s a time for love and a time for living. You take a chance and face the wind. An open road and a road that’s hidden. A brand new life around the bend.

Truer words were never spoken. Whether you are a streetwise housekeeper making a better life for your daughter or a couple of black bounty hunters terrorizing a white town with no sheriff, a brand new life is always just around the bend.

Careful with the volume, those of you at work…

Crazy Racist Anti-Lipitor Guy In Action

About a month ago, I wrote of my encounters with one, The Crazy Racist Anti-Lipitor Guy. (See previous post HERE.) I had always intended to follow up with some documentation of said racism by way of pharmaceutical hatred, and even went as far as shooting some video footage a few days later, which I promptly forgot about.

How did I forget so quickly, you ask? Well, not more than a few days after I took the video, Crazy Lipitor guy disappeared. Out of sight, out of mind, I suppose. It took going through my camera almost a month later to realize I had pure digital gold.

You can’t really read the sign when watching the video, because youtube compressed the shit out of it, so I have included a couple of equally as shitty screen caps. The first one isn’t much help, but you can kind of clearly see the phrase Hindus Rape Children next to what appears to be a little red heart in the second picture. Apparently the guy has the graphic sensibilities of a 13 year old girl. A 13 year old girl who thinks all Indians are Hindu, and that all Hindus rape children.

No, I don’t want any of your fucking magazines!

 

Won’t somebody please think of the children!

As I said, shortly after this video was filmed, the guy up and disappeared. Maybe the pharmaceutical companies finally got to him. Or maybe it was the Indian Mafia. I’d like to think that in some small way, I played a part in having that guy rolled up in a carpet and thrown off a bridge.