Monthly Archives: August 2007

10 Years Ago Princess Diana Went To A Better Place

Posted on August 29, 2007 | 2 Comments

So beautiful… so graceful… so FUCKING STUPID! Forget George Bush and the war in Iraq, this is why people hate America. I caught this on TV the other night and it literally BLEW MY MIND. It’s not that Diddy could quite possibly be the world’s worst rapper. It’s not the false sincerity or the god awful posturing. It’s not the fact that he’s performing a song he wrote for the Notorious BIG for Princess Diana, reminiscing about how they used to “rock the show.” Diddy would lay the track and she would lock the flow. No, it’s the incessant ad libbing.

So compassionate… so royal… incredible mother. MAKE SOME NOISE FOR PRINCESS DIANA, Y’ALL!!!

Seriously, watch it. If you’re not wracked with douche-chills by how ridiculous this is, kill yourself.

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Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Limey Brits, Music, P Diddy, Princess Diana, Television

So Called Independent Music World Series Crowns Predictably Lame Winner

Posted on August 27, 2007 | 18 Comments

So this past Thursday was the Northeast showcase for Disc Makers’ Independent Music World Series, and as far as I’m concerned, the thing was a total setup.

Let me start off by saying I am friends with two of the bands who played the showcase, Object and The Fuzz Haunted. So if you want to say I’m biased, fine. In reality, my friends are more talented than yours and I have better taste in music than you, but everyone’s entitled to their opinion.

The evening’s 6 finalists were hand picked by a team of “independent music professionals” at Billboard magazine. Billboard is as about as independent as McDonald’s. The lineup was deceptively diverse and included a DJ led trio, a classical guitarist and a jazz pianist. But therein lies the setup; you know they had no intention of picking any of those guys to be the winner. They wanted a more marketable, mainstream sounding independent who they could groom to be king of the prom.

The showcase was held at Crash Mansion in NYC. Crash Mansion is part of the BLVD complex, a one-stop shop for all your entertainment needs, brought to you by the innovative building solutions of CitiStructure. One of the more upscale clubs in the city, you can expect nothing less than high cover charges and exorbitantly priced drinks. The place was packed with “industry professionals” who looked like they were hired by a casting agency to be there. Entry level A&R types and some Jr. Executive assistants, enjoying the night out on the boss’ dime.

Scott Stapp and Claudio Sanchez form Glint

And who do they crown the grand prize winner? Why, none other than those self proclaimed pioneers of jambient rock, Glint. Glint is a band so insipid, so middle of the road, they make Maroon 5 look like King Crimson. Their sound is so thoroughly homogenized and innocuous, you hear traces of top 40′s past littered throughout. In other words, they are a band money can be made off of.

Glint contemplate their impending deflowering, oblivious to young Ms. Major Label’s penchant for strap-ons and ass rape.

All the other finalists were self promoted and distributed, but what about Glint? The band is backed by Rely Records, a so called independent made up of “a committed team of creative professionals with music business experience (including major labels), business & finance expertise, and creative technology abilities.” Glint were also recently featured on CBS’s The Early Show and were one of the 5 finalists in the Lollapalooza Last Band Standing contest. They have been getting a lot of press lately, so it only makes sense that they would headline the show and be crowned the winner. That’s right, the band in the headlining slot won the competition. How convenient. I’m gonna go on record here and say it was predetermined by everyone involved that Glint were going to win.

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Posted in Criticism, Glint Sucks Balls, IMWS, Music, Opinions Are Like Assholes

Having Sex With Your Clone Does Not Make You Gay

Posted on August 24, 2007 | 15 Comments

It’s the age old question: Does having sex with your clone make you gay? I would say to thee, nay! Does touching your own dick? Just because you jerk yourself off doesn’t mean you are going to run out and start giving sailors handjobs in dark alleys. What about a blowjob? Long considered the holy grail of masturbation to many men, the self suck-off doesn’t make you queer, it makes you a man! And on top of that, you KNOW you’re a man! A man, man, man… (NSFW) You’re not gonna run out and start gobbling cock like it’s going out of style, you’re gonna lock yourself in your room like you were 14 again!

So why not clone sex? We’re talking your exact double. Genetically, it IS you. It was grown in a test tube to sate your every carnal desire. You’re not going to date it or have a meaningful relationship, you’re gonna lock it in the basement like a gimp when you’re not pleasuring yourself. That’s right, pleasuring yourself. Because clone sex is the highest form of masturbation.

And let’s be real. We’re talking about dude on dude, here. Because you know no one has a problem with identical lady sex, incestuous or otherwise. That’s totally hot. But if you were to bend your man-double over and give yourself a good rogering, that would be considered deviant. What this really comes down to is people don’t have a problem with clone sex, they have a problem with man on man ass sex. It is a complete double standard, which is why we need to Brokeback to the future and establish that clone sex does not equal gay sex, before it is too late.


Doesn’t it, Yoda? There’s only one way to find out…

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Posted in Cloning, Gay and Lesbian, Masturbation, Science, Sexuality

Guy Ritchie and His Revolving Door O’ Shit

Posted on August 21, 2007 | 2 Comments

Love lift us up where we belong…

When Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels came out in 1998, I was a fan. I saw it in the theaters. Twice. I even bought the DVD. So when Snatch was announced for a 2000 release, it immediately became one of my most anticipated films of that year. Then I saw it. I hated it. It took everything I liked about Lock, Stock and completely exaggerated it. Every single line of dialog had to be a snappy one liner. It tried so hard to be cool, it completely turned me off. I even went so far as to sell my Lock, Stock DVD. I wrote Ritchie off. Forever. He went on to make Swept Away and the rest of the world agreed.

I said, “Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?”

Then he went on to make Revolver. Billed as a return to form, this film completely divided audiences, who alternately hailed it as either a mind-bending masterpiece, or complete and utter rubbish. I was intrigued. I watched it. The verdict? Despite the usual tough guy posturing and some rapper stunt casting, pretty good. Granted, it’s a pretentious hodgepodge of Kabbalist theory, numerology and chess strategy dressed up as a gangster picture, but it’s an enjoyable one. I’d give it three Netflix stars, with the option of a half star in either direction, depending on my mood.

The version I pirated watched was from the region 2 DVD. From what I hear, the film has since been re-edited and will finally see a US release, along with a documentary Ritchie made about the entire process. I am interested in seeing how they will dumb down the film’s false intellectualism for an American Audience. Next up for Ritchie? RocknRolla, a- you guessed it- crime caper that takes place in the seedy underworld of London. Ugh… what do you expect from the guy who introduced the film world to Vinnie Jones? The shit has come full circle.

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Posted in Film, Limey Brits, Madonna, Scatology

Sharks and Balls and Brits… Oh My!

Posted on August 17, 2007 | 2 Comments

Freshen your drink, guvnor?

Somebody put my balls in a noose, because they’re totally hung up on Gallows. As the noose gets tighter and my balls begin to resemble one of the alien brains from Mars Attacks, I can’t help but think how awesome this band is. Young dogs can learn old tricks and these guys are living proof. They wear their influences on their sleeves, but who cares? If you like those bands, you’ll like this. And if not, save your balls for a rainy day. Until then, I’ll be dangling from mine until they snap, hollering FREEDOM!!! at the top of my lungs.

I don’t know why, but every time I hear that song, it reminds me of the book The Raw Shark Texts. It’s probably the word shark. And the fact that both Gallows and the book’s author, Steven Hall, are limey Brits. But that is where the similarities end. I don’t know if a book can technically “rock” balls. I’ve had a book make my balls shrivel up and hide inside my body, but never has the printed word caused the ‘ole testicales (pronounced test-e-ka-lays) to emigrate.

I only picked up The Texts as it was being hawked by House of Leaves author Mark Z. Danielewski via Myspace bulletin. And while it shared certain post modern textual flourishes with Leaves, and had some pretty good ideas of its own, The Texts ultimately left me wanting. It’s downfall was the juvenile nature of the romantic relationship between the two main characters. Their dialog had all the witty repartee of a bad sitcom, which hurt an otherwise enjoyable book. I’d give it 3 Netflix stars, overall.

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Posted in Aliens, Books, Music, Sharks, Testicles, The British

Dolphin F*ckers of the World Unite!

Posted on August 7, 2007 | 22 Comments

I’ve made a huge mistake.


Don’t worry, Mr. Starshine, daddy still loves you…

Recently, while posting about Bo Derek’s unnatural love of horses, I made the assumption that any bestiality themed post would send my stats through the proverbial roof. I couldn’t have been more wrong. While my post regarding equine love has preformed well (so to speak), I have learned an important lesson- people want dolphin sex and lots of it! The proof is in the dolphin flavored pudding. I present to you a list of search engine terms that have brought people to my blog. Aside from the occasional reference to a certain magician’s sexuality, it is all dolphin sex, all the time.

sex with dolphins, dolphin sex, dolphin pics, dolphin sex pics, hot dolphin action, dolphin sexuality, dolphin on human sex, human sex with dolphins, delphinic zoophilia, zoophilia a la dolphin, zoophilia with dolphins, zoophilia featuring those lovable creatures known as dolphins, criss angel is gay, rape by dolphin, dolphin rape, dolphin rape whistle, dolphin mace, dolphin masturbation, dolphin role playing, dolphin free tuna, Starkist’s Sexy-time Dolphin Fun Hour, HARDCORE DOLPHIN FUCKING!!!

That’s right, that last one had three exclamation points and was typed in all caps.

Now, what I want to know is, why is dolphin sex so popular? Come on, perverts! Sound off! I know you’re out there. You’ve been reading my blog. Put your penis where your porpoise is and comment. It can be anonymous, I really don’t care. My readership demands answers!

And while you’re at it, I need to know the name of the above artist and if they have any similarly themed work. I can’t make out the signature, and their genius is going unacknowledged!

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Posted in Animal Hijinks, Bestiality, Delphinic Zoophilia, Harry Potter, Horse Play, Sexuality