Monthly Archives: September 2007

Al Pacino IS the Homo Killer

CRUISING FOR A BRUISING

A review of William Friedkin’s Cruising in the form of three attempted synopses.

Bruno Kirby fisting and Al Pacino dancing.

1. Cruising is an overwrought and poorly plotted murder mystery that takes place in the seedy gay underbelly of 1970′s New York, and you can bet that belly is furry! Al Pacino plays rookie cop Steve Burns, a young detective who goes undercover in the underground leather bar scene to catch a serial killer preying on gay men. Burns becomes familiar with the rules of the subculture; “cruising” the gay scene while his superiors do all the real police work. As he gets deeper into the lifestyle and closer to the killer, his regular life and relationship with his girlfriend slowly become unhinged. Yup, you guessed it. He catches a bad case of “the gay”.

New forms of police interrogation.

2. William Friedkin’s Cruising is a confusing allegory set in the S&M dungeons of New York City’s West Village. Al Pacino stars as a young rookie cop, and maybe half the gay men in New York, who really knows? He’s on the fence about his sexuality and trying to get ahead in life, so he accepts an assignment to go undercover in an attempt to catch the dreaded “Homo killer.”(This was back in the day when you could actually use the term “homo killer” on the cover of a national newspaper.) Cruising is set in a world of interchangeable leather boys where all gay men are Al Pacino and Al Pacino is all gay men. All gay men work in Steakhouses or brandish steak knives, transferring their need to kill via a messy exchange of hot seed and cold steel. The closer Burns comes to catching the killer, the closer he comes to becoming the killer.

Exactly my reaction.

3. Cruising, directed by William Friedkin, is a perpetuation of the stereotype that all gay men are mustachioed bikers and an offensive allegory for AIDS. Al Pacino plays Steve Burns (it burns, get it?), a rookie cop looking to rise through the ranks of the police department faster than Edmund Exley in short pants. He goes gay for pay as an undercover officer in an attempt to solve a cross section of unrelated murders in the underground leather scene. Friedkin uses the cyclical structure of passing on the need to kill through sex as a metaphor for the spread of AIDS in the gay community. He even goes as far as using the same actor in multiple roles, to further the idea of the facelessness of the gay man, implying any one of them could be a killer (IE: have AIDS.) And what does any of this have to do with the dismembered body parts found floating in the river? Absolutely nothing.

Powers Booth!

No Country Red Band Trailer Kicks Ass!

I know there has been a lot of talk of “balls” here lately, but now it’s the asses’ turn! The new No Country For Old Men red band trailer kicks so much ass, my torso goes straight to leg now. The Coen Brothers’ McCarthy adaptation is looking better and better. Brolin is the man-miggity, Tommy Lee (Jones) knows his way around a crotchety old man, and Javier Bardem is the most evil half-Mexican, Dutch boy Oompa Loompa I have ever seen! Click picture to view the ass-kickery.

Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin’ around all nimbly-bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?

You Blinded My Balls!

Last night was the season 2 premiere of Metalocalypse on Adult Swim. Click on the picture to check out a great clip of the band testing their new Pelvic Thrust Mace Belts. Hot balls!

The entire episode can be viewed HERE.

Another Exciting Installment Of Encapsulated Movie Reviews! The Pirate Edition

Arr, mateys! In honor of International Talk Like A Pirate Day (which, coincidentally, I just found out about after having written this post, pirate jargon and all) it is time for another exciting installment of Encapsulated Movie Reviews! In this edition, we are going to concentrate on movies ye won’t find at the local Blockbuster, or even ye local Netflix for that matter. So fire up those hard drives, ya land lubbers. Movies ahoy!


A pirate’s wife for me!

Innocence - Aachi & Ssipak - Takeshis'

Innocence: A dream-like fairy tale about a boarding school hidden in the middle of a forest where young girls arrive in coffins to be trained in ballet, forbidden contact with the outside world until they graduate years later. Strangely reminiscent of my own childhood. Four Netflix stars.

Aachi and Ssipak: Crazy Korean animation set in a post apocalyptic world where the only remaining resource is human excrement. All citizens are implanted with an anal ID ring at birth which monitors bowel movements and rewards shitters with highly addictive “juicy bars”, a narcotic treat that turns half the population into constipated mutants. A drug fueled, scatological romp the whole family can enjoy. Four Netflix stars.

Takeshis’: Japanese auteur “Beat” Takeshi Kitano’s rumination on filmmaking and celebrity is a Chinese puzzlebox of dreams with an almost American sensibility. Famous actor/director Beat Takeshi meets struggling actor Beat Takeshi and spends the duration of the film fantasizing about his doppelganger fantasizing about being his famous counterpart in a series of self referential escapades that touch on real life Takeshi’s entire career. Four Netflix stars.

Reflecting Skin - VHS Kaloucha - Dog Bite Dog

The Reflecting Skin: Before Viggo was slaying dragons to the delight of nerds everywhere and flashing his sack for the camera in bathhouse brawls, he starred in this sordid little gem. If you grew up rural in the 50′s and your childhood was full of southern gothic flourishes, never fear, your story has been told. Four Netflix stars.

VHS Kahloucha: Fantastic documentary about a poor Tunisian house painter with a passion for filmmaking. Moncef Kahloucha is the director of such hits as I Had No Money and Now I’m Loaded and Frankenstein Kahlouchein: Not For The Under Thirties. The film takes us behind the scenes of his latest VHS epic, Tarzan of the Arabs, offering not only a humorous take on the filmmaking process, but an insightful look at life in Kazmet, a poor district in Sousse, Tunisia. Four Netflix stars.

Dog Bite Dog: Remember when Warrant released the album Dog Eat Dog and there happened to be this shitty band called Dog Eat Dog who got upset, so they named their next album Warrant? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Two Netflix stars.

Savage Innocents - Ex Drummer

The Savage Innocents: AKA Eskimo Madness, stars a young Anthony Quinn as a half retarded Eskimo who likes to hunt by day and “laugh” with his friend’s wife by night. Directed by Nicholas Ray, the film was hailed as an accurate portrayal of the Eskimo lifestyle at the time, but comes off as laughable and borderline racist now. Three Netflix stars, for being unintentionally hilarious and featuring some sweet Eskimo boobage.

Ex Drummer: A nasty little film about horrible people doing horrible things to one another told within the context of a local band struggling to make it. Rape, murder, drug addiction, child abuse, incest, violence against gays and women, white supremacy, forced sodomy, abuse of the elderly and the mentally disabled, explicit sex, phallic dismemberment; despite all this, I really didn’t like it very much. Two and 1/2 Netflix stars.

Moo and Oink Are F*cking Racists!

The first time I saw the original Moo and Oink commercial, I didn’t stop laughing until I had watched it through five more times and played it for everyone within earshot. But after the laughter faded, white guilt crept in and I began to notice a subtext. What exactly made it so funny? As a white person, I had to dig deep and do some soul searching. Was it because of the shoddy production value and that ridiculous song? Or was it because it featured a group of predominantly African Americans “waving” for catfish and “screaming” for ribs in a kind of demented, butcher shop inspired minstrel show?

Could that really have been the intention? The bulk of the employees and patrons appear to be African American, so it stands to reason that the owner could have been as well. But what if he wasn’t? What if he was some racist, old white guy having a laugh and getting rich off of perpetuating stereotypes? Is it okay to laugh if we don’t know the answer to that question?

Maybe I am reading too far into it. I like baby, baby, baby spare ribs- and I’m white. Are certain types of people predisposed to like certain types of food? Or is it like Dave Chappelle said, “All these years, I thought I liked chicken cuz it was delicious”?

New Dillinger Song Is Certified Retarded

That’s right. From the upcoming album Ire Works. It doesn’t rock my balls off so much as it tears them off with its teeth and spits them into a blender, purees them into a smooth seminal shake and pours it down my throat. I then vomit the whole thing up all over myself in short sporadic bursts of blast beats and odd time signatures. Get your face fixed and your balls liquefied HERE.

Crazy Shit Playing At The Toronto Film Festival That I Hope To Get The Chance To See Some Day

The Devil’s ChairTrailerClip

This film is being described as a “reverse Hellraiser,” in which you are transported to your own personal hell as opposed to hell coming to you. Sounds intriguing, if not a bit inconvenient. The trailer is pretty cool, what with it’s Gilliamesqe demons and copious amounts of blood, but I’m not sold on the acting in the clip.

Kantoku Banzai! - Trailer

Looks like Takeshi Kitano is heading further down the path of wackiness with this one. I loved his last film, the much maligned David Lynch by way of self-referential Japanese comedy, Takeshis’, but I think I was in the minority. Known by most Americans as Vic Romano on Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, Takeshi Kitano seems to be returning to his comedic roots. I defy anyone to tell me what this film is about after watching the trailer.

The OrphanageWebsite w/ Trailers

The Spanish are the new Japanese when it comes to ghost stories. This one will actually see a US release, thanks to producer Guillermo “Pan’s Labyrinth” del Toro. I’m sure they’ll do their best to hide the fact that it is not in English, though, just like they did with that film.

Frontier(s) - Teaser #1Teaser #2

You can’t tell from the teasers, but this little film has something to do with extreme right-wingers and neo-Nazi cannibals. Nice! This is hardcore French horror in the tradition of Haute Tension, if said movie didn’t have the single worst twist ending in the history of cinema.

À l’intérieur - Website w/ Trailer

Another hardcore French flick that is getting a lot of buzz. This one seems to be of the give me your baby or I’ll cut it out of your stomach with these scissors variety. It looks pretty harrowing.

Sukiyaki Western Django - Website w/Trailers

Takashi Miike is back with his first English language feature and it’s a western! I’m excited, but this film has a few things working against it. One- it’s in English. We all know how well that worked in Miike’s Masters of Horror episode. And two- it has a cameo by none other than Quentin Tarantino, who sucks at acting harder than he sucks toes.


You gonna eat them toes?

Quentin Tarantino Is Too Cool For School

I thought Grindhouse was okay. I got a slightly better than expected film from a director I didn’t like and a somewhat disappointing film from a director I did. The faux trailers were great, but there was nothing about the two features that made me want to give it any more than 3 Netflix stars. The cinematic siblings seem to have been too much for a lot of viewers, and have since been split up and placed in separate DVD homes. I recently paid a visit to one of those homes, in what could be one of the worst analogies of all time.

You know what Quentin Tarantino loves more than anything else? Himself. And he’s trying to sell it to you with every frame of Deathproof. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty there to like. The soundtrack, as usual. And the death scene x4 at the midway point is worth the price of admission alone. But love? I’d take Deathproof to a cheap motel, but I wouldn’t bring it home to momma.

In Deathproof Tarantino elevates the art of the mundane conversation to dizzying new heights. Just because you pepper a conversation about falling into a ditch with well emphasized “fucks” and shoot it like the diner scene from Reservoir Dogs, that doesn’t make it engaging. Tarantino is beginning to believe his own hype and thinks he can turn any discussion about every day minutiae into brilliance.

And that was my biggest problem with Deathproof. Annoying bitches talking about stuff I didn’t give a shit about. That and Tarantino’s idea of what a “tough black chick” sounds like. You know what I’m talking about. YEAH, MUTHAFUCKA! I’M A BADASS BLACK BITCH AND I DON’T TAKE NO SHIT! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, MUTHAFUCKA? YEAH, BITCH!

And watching the extended cut independent of Planet Terror and the rest of Grindhouse didn’t do anything to change my opinion. The missing “lap dance” reel is cool, but everything else just serves to pad the runtime and make the tedious elements seem that much more tedious. And if it weren’t for these elements, I could almost overlook the complete shift in tone during the last 10 minutes of the film. We get it, Quentin, girl power. You’re turning the genre film on its head. You’re a genius.


Good luck finding a boyfriend who sucks toes…