Arr, mateys! In honor of International Talk Like A Pirate Day (which, coincidentally, I just found out about after having written this post, pirate jargon and all) it is time for another exciting installment of Encapsulated Movie Reviews! In this edition, we are going to concentrate on movies ye won’t find at the local Blockbuster, or even ye local Netflix for that matter. So fire up those hard drives, ya land lubbers. Movies ahoy!
Innocence: A dream-like fairy tale about a boarding school hidden in the middle of a forest where young girls arrive in coffins to be trained in ballet, forbidden contact with the outside world until they graduate years later. Strangely reminiscent of my own childhood. Four Netflix stars.
Aachi and Ssipak: Crazy Korean animation set in a post apocalyptic world where the only remaining resource is human excrement. All citizens are implanted with an anal ID ring at birth which monitors bowel movements and rewards shitters with highly addictive “juicy bars”, a narcotic treat that turns half the population into constipated mutants. A drug fueled, scatological romp the whole family can enjoy. Four Netflix stars.
Takeshis’: Japanese auteur “Beat” Takeshi Kitano’s rumination on filmmaking and celebrity is a Chinese puzzlebox of dreams with an almost American sensibility. Famous actor/director Beat Takeshi meets struggling actor Beat Takeshi and spends the duration of the film fantasizing about his doppelganger fantasizing about being his famous counterpart in a series of self referential escapades that touch on real life Takeshi’s entire career. Four Netflix stars.
The Reflecting Skin: Before Viggo was slaying dragons to the delight of nerds everywhere and flashing his sack for the camera in bathhouse brawls, he starred in this sordid little gem. If you grew up rural in the 50′s and your childhood was full of southern gothic flourishes, never fear, your story has been told. Four Netflix stars.
VHS Kahloucha: Fantastic documentary about a poor Tunisian house painter with a passion for filmmaking. Moncef Kahloucha is the director of such hits as I Had No Money and Now I’m Loaded and Frankenstein Kahlouchein: Not For The Under Thirties. The film takes us behind the scenes of his latest VHS epic, Tarzan of the Arabs, offering not only a humorous take on the filmmaking process, but an insightful look at life in Kazmet, a poor district in Sousse, Tunisia. Four Netflix stars.
Dog Bite Dog: Remember when Warrant released the album Dog Eat Dog and there happened to be this shitty band called Dog Eat Dog who got upset, so they named their next album Warrant? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Two Netflix stars.
The Savage Innocents: AKA Eskimo Madness, stars a young Anthony Quinn as a half retarded Eskimo who likes to hunt by day and “laugh” with his friend’s wife by night. Directed by Nicholas Ray, the film was hailed as an accurate portrayal of the Eskimo lifestyle at the time, but comes off as laughable and borderline racist now. Three Netflix stars, for being unintentionally hilarious and featuring some sweet Eskimo boobage.
Ex Drummer: A nasty little film about horrible people doing horrible things to one another told within the context of a local band struggling to make it. Rape, murder, drug addiction, child abuse, incest, violence against gays and women, white supremacy, forced sodomy, abuse of the elderly and the mentally disabled, explicit sex, phallic dismemberment; despite all this, I really didn’t like it very much. Two and 1/2 Netflix stars.