Entries from February 2008
Lactating ladies, beware! Next time your baby cries out for the sweet nectar that is mother’s milk, make sure it is not a horny primate in disguise looking to suckle at your teat! Those crafty beasts are stealing human faces in order to get their greedy mouths on our women, in an attempt to get them hooked on monkey-love. Their lips are practically prehensile, so imagine the repercussions when they move on to the vagina. Human men will become obsolete, and the earth will be over-run with virile half-breeds. They will don suits and ties, infiltrate the workplace and take over the world!
If we are lucky, maybe a few of us will be kept on as breeders, providing a fresh crop of pure-blooded human poon for the apes in power. The male children will be killed or eaten, while the females will be raised in an environment of erotic proportions. The man-apes will become addicted to the sweet meat and refuse to bone regular lady-apes anymore. But that will be their downfall, because then the lady-apes will get pissed that the human woman are taking all their men, and they will rise up with their rolling pins and smite the heads of those horny man-apes, allowing the rebel humans to overthrow the fascist ape regime and reclaim what is rightfully theirs! Damn you dirty apes!
Shut up and kiss me!
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Categories: Animal Hijinks · Bestiality
Tagged: Animal Rapists, Animal Wet Nurse, Breast Feeding, Human Ape Hybrid, Human Slavery, Lactation, Monkey Fucking, Monkey Love, Planet of the Apes, Sex Apes, Sex Slaves, Teet Suckling
February 26, 2008 · 1 Comment
Don’t believe me? Check out these actual customer testimonials.*
“From the very first night, sleeping has been a new experience. You truly appreciate the penis bed when you sleep in a hotel or are a guest in a home where the bed does not have humongous phalli for posts. Fucking prudes.”
Bruce LaDouche - Elderberry Beach, FL
“I love the fact that on some nights my mattress can feel a bit firm, and on other nights it can be a bit soft, but on any day of the week I can be surrounded by rock hard cocks with hand-carved kama sutra images. Thank you for a very erotic sleep.”
Chester Moorecock - Anaheim, CA
“The penis bed enables my husband and I to sleep together. My husband can’t sleep in a bed with a woman without those intricately carved love rifles. He can’t sleep surrounded by anything soft; he needs large, turgid shafts. Before we discovered the penis bed we had to sleep apart, because I sexually repulse him. Thank you for saving our marriage, penis bed!.”
Marlene Weinerschmidt- Crutchmoore, NC
“The penis bed cures cancer.”
Some guy with cancer - Cancerton, USA
*Actual customer testimonials may or may not have been modified to include the words “penis” and/or “bed.”
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Categories: Sexually Explicit Furniture
Tagged: Bed, Carving, Giant Wooden Cocks, Kama Sutra, Penis, Penis Bed, Woodcraft
February 21, 2008 · 1 Comment
From The Superficial:
Michael Lohan has yet to see the topless shots of Lindsay as Marilyn Monroe, according to Us Magazine:
“I’m not going to look at the photos — that’s my daughter!”
Hell, if she were my daughter I know I’d want to. I personally don’t see anything wrong with it. It’s like looking at naked baby pictures, only sexier (and probably less illegal.) The man claims he has no interest in the pictures, but I bet he’s already stapled them to the torso of a mannequin and given them all cute little pet names, like freckle-yams or slut-bucket. He’s probably caressing those crinkled magazine pages even as we speak, wishing he could bury his face in her luscious mammary-mounds and hide from the pain, like any normal father would.
Momma bear also seems to approve of the pictures, sending 14 year old slut-in-training Ali Lohan along to witness the proceedings. From The Superficial:
Dina felt the photos were “tastefully done” and defended Lindsay to People magazine:
“I wouldn’t have sent my 14-year-old to the set [if the shoot was in bad taste]. And obviously Lindsay wouldn’t do anything with her sister there, that was risqué.”
Frankly, I think the pictures speak for themselves.
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Categories: Ali Lohan · Art · Celebrity Shit Heads · Dina Lohan · Incest · Lindsay Lohan · Marilyn Monroe · Michael Lohan · NSFW · Nude Photography · Sexuality · Vagina
Alright, I admit it. I’m a sucker for lolcats. Who isn’t? The delightful internet meme goes to show that funny cat pictures and broken English go together like chocolate and peanut butter. Right now it is the biggest thing on the web. I Can Has Cheezburger, the lolcat mecca, currently resides in the top 10 of Technorati’s top 100 blogs, outranking even popular celebrity gossip site TMZ. But where did this phenomena originate? Besides owing a small debt to O Rly? the owl, it seems to have started with a little catchphrase known as, I am in your base killing your d00ds.
From some dude’s blog (mixed with the Encyclopedia Dramatica entry, because I didn’t like his wording) :
Similar to “All your base are belong to us,” the quote “I am in your base killing your d00ds” is a catchphrase that can be roughly translated to “…you got pwned and don’t even know it yet.” Two players, one unnamed and the other known as 1337h4x, were engaged in a game of Starcraft. 1337h4x rushed his opponent, and not realizing he was already being attacked, his opponent asked:
“Dude, where are you?”
To which 1337h4x responded, “im in ur base, killing ur d00ds”
From there it was somehow co-opted by your animal loving types and evolved into the wacky meme we all know and love today.
From Wikipedia:
The News Journal states that “some trace the lolcats back to the site 4chan, which features bizarre cat pictures on Saturdays, or ‘Caturdays’.” The images have been “slinking around the Internet for years under various labels, but they didn’t become a sensation until early 2007 with the advent of I Can Has Cheezburger?”
One of the best pieces I have read on the whole phenomenon can be found over at Anil Dash’s blog (don’t worry, I don’t know who the fuck he is either) where he deconstructs the conventions of the cat image macro.
But why stop there? Despite the inclusion of other types of animal macros and the launching of sister-site I Has A Hotdog, I feel other animal species are being done a disservice. That is why I’m considering launching my own rival macro site called, I Can Haz Queen’s Teet? dedicated to the cute and cuddly naked mole rat ( or Heterocephalus glaber, as his friend’s call him.)
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Categories: All your base are belong to us · Animal Hijinks · Caturdays · I am in your base killing your d00ds · I can haz queen's teet? · Image Macro · Internet Meme · Naked Mole Rat · Nerds · O Rly? · Starcraft · i can has cheezburger? · i has a hotdog · lolcats
A typical Friday night
I was compelled to write this entry after the search term “How to suck your own dick” kept repeatedly showing up in my stats (I briefly touched upon the topic here.) I also recently got a hit off of “I can put my penis in my ass,” but I don’t know where that one came from. Autofellatio is obviously a topic people (men) are interested in, so I decided to see what came up when I searched it on Google. Here are the top results:
From If You Could You Would:
A big dick and an limber body don’t belong to everyone, but if you can already get pretty close there are a few tricks you can do to improve and hopefully, get that incredible rush that comes when you finally make contact between your tongue and your own dick.
…practice *definitely* pays off. Before, I could only lick the tip with real strain, legs thrown over my head. Now I am getting the whole juicy head in my mouth plus some shaft, and I can lick halfway down my dick and taste my balls.
Oh, man, that last line is priceless. Sounds like someone describing a particularly good meal. Juicy head. Tasty balls. Sounds scrumptious. I can’t tell if this is a joke, or this guy really loves the taste of his own dick. The handy list of tips included suggests the latter. Some real thought went into this.
College Sex Advice takes what seems to be a more serious approach to the subject, plus it has some sweet hand-drawings. Why is that dude wearing a baseball hat and sneakers? Because he knows he’s a man, that’s why! (Careful with that link, Eugene!)
Even Wikipedia has an entry on the art of autofellatio (NSFW!) Want to know more? Amazon sells a book by the same title. It’s called, The Art of Auto-Fellatio: Oral Sex For One. It is now on my wish list. And then there’s the myriad of self-suck websites that come up, if you want to go the less scholastic route.
I know some of you (women) are probably a little put off by the subject, but I assure you, wanting to suck your own dick is perfectly natural. You don’t have to be ashamed anymore, people! Anyway, I hope this has been both informative and helpful. I’ve got a lot of stretching to do. I’ll let you know how it goes.
You know you’re a man! A manny manny man!
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Categories: Autofellatio · Health · How To · Masturbation · NSFW · Self-Suck · Sexuality · You Know You're A Man!
Oh boys, lookee what I got heyuh.
In our first installment of what will surely be intermittent coverage at best, we now bring you the latest on the 2008 presidential race.
Super Tuesday has come and gone, and according to the polls, Barack Obama and the fair Hillary Rodham are still neck and neck. The white women are voting for Hilary, although the numbers are not as high as they were previously. The black vote helped Obama win a number of southern states, although I’m surprised he or Hillary had any luck in a region where the majority of people would be damned before they voted for a “nigger” or a “split-tail”.
On the Republican side of things, John McCain has emerged as the front runner in a race that until now has shown little consistency. Hanoi Rocks!
Many are touting this presidential election to be the most significant in years, a race whose outcome will determine our country’s path for the foreseeable future. The prospect of history’s first black or female president is an exciting one, but what impact will that really have? Is substantial political change still even possible? While Obama’s sincerity and youthful exuberance were refreshing at first, his recent in-fighting with Hillary signifies politics as usual.
Admittedly, part of the initial allure of Obama is the fact that he’s black. I had to question whether that was the reason I found myself drawn to him. But then I realized, I wouldn’t vote for him just because of the color of his skin. Condoleezza Rice is black and I certainly wouldn’t vote for her ass.
Tina Turner once said, We don’t need another hero, but that is just what the American people crave. Look at our choices. We’ve go a genuine war hero in McCain, and the prospect of our nation’s first black or female president. (This, however, doesn’t explain the absence of 911 hero Rudy Giuliani, who pussy-footed himself out of the race.)
The hero presidents of yore are like that first shot of heroin. You’re chasing the high, people! The current candidates will never be as sweet as that first taste! Besides, that was before the advent of the internets. If our beloved forefathers were around today, the whole world would know that George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, Thomas Jefferson fucked slaves, and Abraham Lincoln was gay.
Personally, I can’t wait to see the outcome of this election. Then we can get back to politics as usual. The politics of dancing!
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Categories: Barack Obama · Drugs · Hanoi Hilton · Hanoi Rocks · Heroin · Hilary Clinton · John McCain · Politics · Presidential Election · Race Relations · Rudy Giuliani · Super Tuesday · Tina Turner
Not really, but that’s what it sounded like. At approximately 10pm last night a cacophony of womanly screams interrupted an otherwise quiet suburban evening, along with what sounded like gunplay. It appeared to be coming from the neighbor’s house, where numerous Mexican families live, so I decided to check it out. It was about that time I realized it was Superbowl Sunday, and the Giants had won. (I don’t really watch sports, but if I had know Tom Petty’s skeleton was playing the halftime show, I might have tuned in.) The old patriarch and his sons were probably just celebrating in the traditional Mexican way, beating their women and firing their pistols into the air like banditos.
Oh yeah, the “gunplay” turned out to be fireworks. We must have some 12th century Chinamen in the neighborhood as well. (I know, I know, Chinaman in not the preferred nomenclature.)
Fuck you, Gringos!
An actual picture of my neighbor from last night
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Categories: Banditos · Fireworks · Football · Giants · Mexican Heritage · Rape · Sports · Superbowl XLII
