Monthly Archives: July 2008

Kirk Hammett Catches Neighbor Having Sex With Dog, Is Instantly Turned Gay

Nice Beard!

Nice Beard!

Ah, the enigma that is Kirk Hammett. The only thing more confusing than his sexuality is the ethnic potpourri that is his background. (My money is on some sort of Irish/Philipino/Eskimo mix.) Anyways, this traumatic childhood event might be the key to unlocking the mystery of his Hammesexuality.

From some website called StarPulse:

Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett is still scarred by the childhood memory of his neighbor having sex with his dog. The rocker was just 11 when stumbled across his pet dog Tippy being penetrated by his next door neighbor.

He tells Britain’s Q magazine, “The guy took down his pants and started having sex with the dog! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. When he got up, I just took the dog and left. She was still wagging her tail.”

Poor Kirk. No wonder he had to sneak a peek at Lars’ pasty ass during all those post-concert shower orgies.

You want proof? Click HERE for hot Ulrich on Hammett action!!! Turn the volume up nice and loud, especially if you are at work. Now if only Paul Stanely would come out of the closet.