Monthly Archives: January 2009

“Single Ladies” A Thinly Veiled Euphemism For Butt Sex

Posted on January 28, 2009 | Leave a comment

That’s right. If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it. An O RING! Contrary to popular belief, Beyonce’s Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) isn’t some feminist anthem extolling the virtues of commitment, it’s a warning- if you like your man’s cock, give up the butt!

Jay-Z taps Beyonces Ass

Jay-Z taps Beyonce's Ass

Think about it. The symbolism of the wedding ring itself is sexual by nature. With this ring, I thee wed. Finger in ring. Penis in Vagina. Now I own you. Beyonce is just taking that metaphor to  its logical conclusion. You don’t need a state sanctioned piece of paper to keep your man, you just need to give him some of that sweet brownie pie. How do you think she snagged herself Jay-Z? He’s checking the oil on that formula one buttmobile on a regular basis. Putting your dick between those two luscious mounds of ass-pudding must be what it feels like to titty-fuck God.

Beyonce deserves recognition for giving us a modern-day version of Sugar Walls, but she’s not the first person to go down this (dirt) road. That’s right, as is usually the case, a gay man did it first. While lacking some of the subtlety of Beyonce’s jam, What What (In The Butt) is infinitely more amusing, plus the guy’s a way better dancer.

So for all the people out there who think gussying up their three-year-old like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance and videotaping them prancing around like whores to said song is cute, think again. It is wrong. It borders on child pornography. This poor girl is a future whore. She has no say in the matter. It is her destiny. Thanks, mom. And thank you, Beyonce.

Look me up in 10 years, Arianna.

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Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Child Pornography, Hip Hop, Music, Sexuality

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BRONSON Trailer Full of Gilliamesque Asswhuppery

Posted on January 16, 2009 | 1 Comment

Charles Bronson has been in jail since 1974. He has spent 30 of those years in solitary confinement, for repeatedly taking hostages and attempting to escape. Previous to his criminal career, he spent a short time as a bare-knuckle boxer. He is a prolific author, having written everything from memoirs to fitness guides to prison survival manuals. He has sweet facial hair. Now he is the subject of his very own movie.

I'm gonna do to you what you've been doing to those kids...

My erection for this film is a mile long. Directed by Danish auteur Nicolas Winding Refn, it is a mix of Refn’s own Pusher trilogy, Gilliamesque cinematography, and Fosse inspired theatrics. The titular badass is played by Tom Hardy, who has come a long way, physically, from the gaunt Dark City reject he played in Star Trek: Nemesis. Prepare to have your mind prison-raped.

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Posted in Film, True Crime

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Notorious? More like BLOWtorious!

Posted on January 16, 2009 | Leave a comment

First of all, dude’s not fat enough or black enough. They should have got Bill Duke to play Biggie, he’s the blackest man alive! Plus, he kicks ass in Predator.

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME BIG POPPA

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME BIG POPPA

I’m not the only one who thinks the casting sucks. Word on the street is Lil’ Kim is not happy with how she is portrayed in the film. I guess newcomer Naturi Naughton didn’t strike the right mix of delicate flower and husband stealing attention whore. Michael Jackson looks more like Lil’ Kim than she does.

And who is that dude playing Puffy, shuckin’ and jivin’ like he’s in a minstrel show? Ridiculous. The only actor bringing any credibility to this film is Angela Bassett. She’s like the black Meryl Streep! Unfortunately, that’s not enough to get my black ass in the seat.

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Posted in Film, Music

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Mastodon’s Crack the Skye Leaks!!!

Posted on January 15, 2009 | 2 Comments

***UPDATE***

I’m sure many of you are finding your way here because Crack The Skye finally has leaked, rendering this obnoxious joke pretty much useless. It was fun while it lasted, and garnered me a nice amount of traffic (although not nearly as much as now that it has actually leaked.)

The leak is only 128kps, and is missing the final song, but I can’t wait, and shall be listening shortly.

****************

…are the words I’m waiting to hear.

Suckaz.

For those who know the history between this band and what’s betwixt my legs, my anticipation should come as no surprise. It was not long ago a young, red-cloaked maiden named Mastodon first pranced her way through my loins to pluck my flesh berries. They loan them back to me on occaision, but my nuts have belonged to the band ever since.

The album’s concept, straight from Brann via Blabbermouth:

“There is a paraplegic and the only way that he can go anywhere is if he astral travels. He goes out of his body, into outer space and a bit like Icarus, he goes too close to the sun, burning off the golden umbilical cord that is attached to his solar plexus. So he is in outer space and he is lost, he gets sucked into a wormhole, he ends up in the spirit realm and he talks to spirits telling them that he is not really dead. So they send him to the Russian cult, they use him in a divination and they find out his problem. They decide they are going to help him. They put his soul inside Rasputin’s body. Rasputin goes to usurp the czar and he is murdered. The two souls fly out of Rasputin’s body through the crack in the sky(e) and Rasputin is the wise man that is trying to lead the child home to his body because his parents have discovered him by now and think that he is dead. Rasputin needs to get him back into his body before it’s too late. But they end up running into the Devil along the way and the Devil tries to steal their souls and bring them down…there are some obstacles along the way.”

I think a paraplegic astral projected back in time to when I was in the womb and sucked my balls into a wormhole of awesome.

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Posted in Metal, Music

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