Monthly Archives: February 2009

Sean Penn Goes Full Homo For The Win!

Poor Sean Penn. So talented, yet so humorless. Remember the 2005 Oscars when host Chris Rock quipped, “Who’s Jude Law?” Exactly. It’s called a joke, Spicoli, remember? You used to tell them. Now you’re just the butt of them.

I wonder if Sean Penn has seen Tropic Thunder? I’m sure it irks him that Robert Downey Jr. was nominated for best supporting actor for a role that so openly mocks Penn’s earnest depiction of retardation. It would have been beyond brilliant if that clip was shown during the Oscars to celebrate Downey Jr.’s performance, but The Academy doesn’t have the collective balls.

Well, Penn had the last laugh tonight when he won the best actor Oscar for his portrayal of the titular character in Gus Van Sant’s Milk. You never go full retard, but apparently you can go full homo. Like Tom Hanks before him, Penn has gayed his way to Oscar gold. It’s like being in a film about the holocaust, only more fabulous. Now if they could only find a way to make a gay holocaust movie, it’d be like a delicious, cinematic peanut butter cup that wouldn’t ruin your concentration camp figure. (Oh, wait, they already did, and it was called Bent, a film as sexy as it is touching. Unfortunatly, poor Clive Owen was not nominated for an Oscar. The man was ahead of his time.)

Alright, to be fair, Penn did display a sense of humor during his acceptance speech, poking fun at himself and dropping the H bomb a couple times. Well played, Penn, well played.

It does a body good

It does a body good

Renee Zellweger’s Face Ruins Movies

Case in point: Appaloosa. Some first rate bad-assery is bogged down by Zellweger’s shiny, happy face. That is not to say the character of Allison French is a superfluous one as some have suggested- it is intrinsic to the plot. But every moment she is on screen, her murine face puckered like an anus, is a distraction. This is miscasting of the highest order, and I am not the only one who thinks so. While doing a google image search on Zellweger plastic face, I came across this post at Cinema Blend. Do great minds think alike, or is Hollywood just oblivious  to how awful plastic surgery looks?

The Rocky Dennis of the West

The Rocky Dennis of the West

13 Year Old Kid – “I’ll Fuck Anything That Moves!!!”

Courtesy of The Sun.

Family Values

Take a good, hard look at this picture. Forget all the details in the article about how Alfie is one of nine, or how Chantelle and the baby are living with her parents and five brothers, or how her father has no job and the whole family are already on welfare. I want you to block that all out and just imagine these two fucking. Really think about it.

That’s what I thought.

I wonder if that kid has the same deer in the headlights stare when he’s laying it down.

A Film by Film Response to The Stallion’s Top Ten of 2008

You can check out his post HERE. He writes sporadically, but it is worth checking out when he does. We might be the only people who read each other’s respective blogs.

2008 wasn’t necessarily a good year for film, either. Most of the current Oscar nominees are just okay, but few of them made The Stallion’s list. Let’s see what he’s whinnying about, shall we? Time to put that pony in a pen.

Ballast (Lance Hammer) – This one definitely got The Stallion’s mane in a twist. Personally, I don’t support any movie that doesn’t predominantly feature white people (relax, I’m kidding.)

Synecdoche, New York (Charlie Kaufman) – One of my favorites as well. If I were to pen my own list instead of cannibalizing someone else’s, this would be on it.

Wendy and Lucy (Kelly Reichardt) – Another “small” movie made by people with an interest in exposing the struggle of regular people that I haven’t seen.

The Wrestler (Darren Aronofsky) – My least favorite Aronofsky film, probably due to the fact that he didn’t write it, but seeing Rourke sing and dance to Round and Round by Ratt is worth the price of admission alone. Uncle Milty would be proud!

The Dark Knight (Christopher Nolan) – Heath Ledger is the only reason to watch this film. The “Batman voice” nearly kills it for me. In retrospect, Bale’s cockney tinged diatribe on the set of T4 is way more effective.

Un Conte De Noël (Arnaud Desplechin) – ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!?!?
PS – Catherine Deneuve is still hot.

Frozen River (Courtney Hunt) – Of the same ilk as Wendy and Lucy, and Ballast, this film completes what I like to refer to as The Triumvirate of Snoozery.

Che (complete) (Steven Soderbergh) – The Stallion and I actually saw this film together, on a date. We held hands and marveled at Soderbergh’s unrivaled assurance and versatility.

Blindness (Fernando Meirelles) – This is a film I am very much looking forward to seeing. City of God was the shit, The Constant Gardener, less so. Katia Lund, where are you?

The Edge of Heaven (Faith Akin) – Never hoid of it.

Frownland (Ronald Bronstein) – The Stallion reviewed this here.  Sounds interesting. Like Bad Boy Bubby meets Ballast.  Or something.

There you have it folks. I’m expecting an angry retort in 3… 2… 1…

An Open Letter To Chris Cornell

Dear Chris,

YOU FUCKING LOOK LIKE HOWARD STERN’S FUCKING CORPSE! YOU HAVEN’T RECORDED A LISTENABLE SCRAP OF MUSIC SINCE 1998! TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT, PUT ON SOME LEATHER PANTS, AND START SCREAMING YOUR BALLS OFF BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!!!

Photo stolen from Metal Sucks

Photo stolen from Metal Sucks

An Open Letter To David Cronenberg

From Variety:

Tom Cruise is in talks to star with Denzel Washington in “The Matarese Circle,” the David Cronenberg-directed adaptation of the Robert Ludlum thriller that MGM will put into production this year.

Dear David,

Why do you hate me so? I have been a faithful fan of your films for many years now, and this is how you repay me? First came word that you were working on a Ludlum adaptation. Then, it was announced it would be a starring vehicle for Denzel Washington. Now THIS!?!?! THE CRUISER?!?!? I sincerely hope they drove a dump truck full of money straight up to your house, because I can’t figure out any other reason why you’d want to make this film.

I’ve stood by you during your recent forays into “mainstream” storytelling, but this is a cinematic slap in the face.  At least in Eastern Promises you gave us Viggo’s balletic wedding tackle. I just don’t see how you are going to make this material your own. Maybe you’ll give Denzel a killer armpit penis, or put a giant  vagina in Tom Cruise’s chest. Maybe a parasitic leech will cause a massive sexual hysteria in the intelligence community. But I doubt it. This is a studio tent-pole with two huge stars and franchise potential. That’s right, franchise. Which means you’re gonna be locked in, buddy. Look at Sam Raimi. He’s been eating and shitting nothing but Spiderman for the last five years. That’s a good chunk of your life, and frankly, I don’t know how many years you’ve got left there, David. So do us all a favor- unless it is going to contain sex with scars, exploding heads, or Jeff Goldblum- don’t make this movie.

Kanye, Lil Wayne, Jay-Z and Some Other Dude Get It On With Pregnant Chick At The Grammys

Fuck these guys and fuck the Grammys. Don’t they know how I feel about pregnant bitches?

There is so much wrong with this, I don’t even know where to begin.  First off, you’ve got Mullet-Kanye. One of the most pompous men on earth, and apparently one of the most ignorant.  I’m Christopher Columbus, you know I got it first. No, you didn’t got it first,  someone was there before you. You just raped their women and took their land. It’s called Run To The Hills, Kanye, maybe you’ve heard of it?

Then there’s Lil’ Wayne. He may have some ODB style insanity that borders on genius, but he needs to stay away from the white man’s music. Word on the street is he’s gonna make a rock album, and if Let It Rock is any indication, he need to let it alone. Granted, you can probably blame most of this travesty on whoeverthefuck hipster cum technophile Kevin Rudolf is, but let’s err on the side of caution, shall we?

Finally, you’ve got Jay-Z, who gets props for putting Vincent Gallo in one of his videos, so I can’t really say anything bad about him. He looks good in a tux, but if you put him in a pair of overalls, he’d look just like the janitor of my high school. Unfortunately for him, he’s got a bad case of cute elderly black man lurking right around the corner. Enjoy being street while you can, Jigga.

So I guess my only real problem is with Kanye. That and a 9 months pregnant MIA, prancing around in heels and see-through top like a stripper on coke. GROSS. She is the bloated cherry on top of this ridiculous sundae. At first I thought I was witness to some SNL-esque parody, with MIA wearing a prosthetic stomach and a butt pad, but I soon realized it was all too real. She’s lucky the little bastard didn’t drop out on stage. If all the prancing didn’t jar the thing loose, the gang bang that took place backstage probably did.

The only good thing about the Grammys (no, not Gwinny, althought she does look uncharacteristically hot,) was Radiohead’s performance of 15 Step with the USC marching band. Pretty cool. Thom Yorke is like some glorious epileptic version of Mick Jagger.

And no, the irony of having the wife of the biggest/lamest Radiohead ripoff introduce the band was not lost on me.

Exclusive Photo: Mickey Rourke on the Set of Tron 2

Photo via The Superficial

Modern trends in technology and fashion have always informed our vision of the future, especially in film. Whether it’s the 60′s inspired psuedo-modernity of 2001 or the dystopian 80′s punk of Bladerunner, the future reflects the present. The same holds true for the upcoming Tron reboot, which forsakes the neon-cyclist look of the original for more of a transsexual trucker theme.

Woman’s Gigantic Tits Join The Klu Klux Klan

38KKK. Those are some racist tittays. It’s ironic that she had to go all the way to Brazil to have some unscrupulous wetback surgeon install them. (I know, wetback is a derogatory term for Mexicans, not Brazilians, but I’m just quoting the original article, which comes from an extremely credible source. Besides, everybody knows Brazil is the Mexico of South America.) Upon closer inspection, she doesn’t even look white, so there is no way the Klan will endorse those self-hating mounds. This is my favorite part of the article:

Hershey dumped her boyfriend after he begged her not to get yet another surgery, but she told him she had to follow her dream.

That’s right, you follow your dream, girl. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t be the nastiest big-titted slut in the whole world.

Goonies Upskirt Video The Ultimate Nostalgic Masturbatory Aid

Whilst perusing youtube for an audio clip with which to torture a co-worker (Andy, you fucking Goonie!!!) I came across this – my favorite adolescent masturbatory aid, conveniently edited down into a bite-size morsel of pleasure. This was the hottest shit when I was twelve, and I was instantly transported back in time to my fledgling days of self gratification.

Back then, masturbation was like a journey. I’d pop in the VHS, get comfy, and settle in for the “slow jerk”. I’d take my time with myself, bringing myself to the brink of climax and then holding off, seductively teasing myself, teetering on the precipice of ecstasy.  Then I’d slowly bring myself back from the edge, before starting the process all over again, anticipating the next tantalizing glimpse of cotton. If I knew I was gonna take a while, I’d make sure to pack a lunch.

But that was a different time. What PG-rated kids film nowadays can boast multiple up-skirt shots of its hot underage star? Hotel For Dogs? Doubtful. I heard they used only female dogs and airbrushed out all the buttholes to keep them genderless. That’s the type of society we’re living in. A society without buttholes. Well I’ve got news for you, in my time, dogs had buttholes.

Further down the rabbit hole that is youtube, I came across this in my Goonies related searching.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to take a leisurely stroll down memory lane, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, I’m totally gonna jerk it.