Whilst perusing youtube for an audio clip with which to torture a co-worker (Andy, you fucking Goonie!!!) I came across this – my favorite adolescent masturbatory aid, conveniently edited down into a bite-size morsel of pleasure. This was the hottest shit when I was twelve, and I was instantly transported back in time to my fledgling days of self gratification.
Back then, masturbation was like a journey. I’d pop in the VHS, get comfy, and settle in for the “slow jerk”. I’d take my time with myself, bringing myself to the brink of climax and then holding off, seductively teasing myself, teetering on the precipice of ecstasy. Then I’d slowly bring myself back from the edge, before starting the process all over again, anticipating the next tantalizing glimpse of cotton. If I knew I was gonna take a while, I’d make sure to pack a lunch.
But that was a different time. What PG-rated kids film nowadays can boast multiple up-skirt shots of its hot underage star? Hotel For Dogs? Doubtful. I heard they used only female dogs and airbrushed out all the buttholes to keep them genderless. That’s the type of society we’re living in. A society without buttholes. Well I’ve got news for you, in my time, dogs had buttholes.
Further down the rabbit hole that is youtube, I came across this in my Goonies related searching.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to take a leisurely stroll down memory lane, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, I’m totally gonna jerk it.