An Open Letter To David Cronenberg

From Variety:

Tom Cruise is in talks to star with Denzel Washington in “The Matarese Circle,” the David Cronenberg-directed adaptation of the Robert Ludlum thriller that MGM will put into production this year.

Dear David,

Why do you hate me so? I have been a faithful fan of your films for many years now, and this is how you repay me? First came word that you were working on a Ludlum adaptation. Then, it was announced it would be a starring vehicle for Denzel Washington. Now THIS!?!?! THE CRUISER?!?!? I sincerely hope they drove a dump truck full of money straight up to your house, because I can’t figure out any other reason why you’d want to make this film.

I’ve stood by you during your recent forays into “mainstream” storytelling, but this is a cinematic slap in the face.  At least in Eastern Promises you gave us Viggo’s balletic wedding tackle. I just don’t see how you are going to make this material your own. Maybe you’ll give Denzel a killer armpit penis, or put a giant  vagina in Tom Cruise’s chest. Maybe a parasitic leech will cause a massive sexual hysteria in the intelligence community. But I doubt it. This is a studio tent-pole with two huge stars and franchise potential. That’s right, franchise. Which means you’re gonna be locked in, buddy. Look at Sam Raimi. He’s been eating and shitting nothing but Spiderman for the last five years. That’s a good chunk of your life, and frankly, I don’t know how many years you’ve got left there, David. So do us all a favor- unless it is going to contain sex with scars, exploding heads, or Jeff Goldblum- don’t make this movie.

2 Responses to An Open Letter To David Cronenberg

  1. I haven’t seen all of Cronenberg’s stuff, but some of his films are brilliant. I thought he was going to have a Soderbergh-type career now where he makes a big studio movie then a small art film, but he seems to be making bigger movies now. I do love History of Violence though. It grew on me and now I am a big fan. Eastern Promises was good too. Maybe his Denzel/Cruise vehicle will be a great Hollywood movies like the Bourne movies. Think positive.

  2. I do not share your optimism, sir. Why should someone like Cronenberg waste their unique talents making a film as broad as Bourne?

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