You Are Not Gay If… (a guide for heterosexual men)

Just in case you’d thought we’d forgotten our roots…

Thanks to SG for the pic of his dick(s)

Inspired by an older post (Having Sex With Your Clone Does Not Make You Gay,) I got to thinking. The lines of sexuality have become so blurred these days you need bifocals just to make them out. What makes a person gay? A little bit of leather and some feather boas? Probably not. Your self-righteous religious types would argue that it is the pursuit of a sinful, deviant lifestyle and that AIDS is the cure, but any rational minded person knows that opinion went out of style with Sebastian Bach. I don’t think anything specific makes a person gay (except, ironically, god,) but I do know what doesn’t. So if you are at all unsure, I present to you this handy guide for what IS NOT GAY.

If you’re banging some chick and a buddy of your is watching- that’s not gay. It’s called voyeurism, and lots of straight people are into it.  If said friend decides to strip down and join in- that’s not gay. You’re just talking double-team. If you accidentally touch something you shouldn’t- you’re still not gay. Accidents happen. To quote Willem Defoe in Autofocus, “It’s a group grope. Everybody’s touching everybody.” So if some dudes fingers “accidentally” find their way into your hidey hole, you’re not gay. (He might be, but you’re not. Roll with it.) If you happen to cross swords or bump ball bags, don’t worry, you’re totally not gay. It’s hard to keep those things from meeting at the intersection of Anus Lane and Pussyhole Junction when they are flopping around like pigs in a burlap sack. If you accidentally get a smattering of jizz on you, YOU WILL NOT CATCH GAY. Ask Izzy and Slash. It comes with the territory and is actually quite good for the skin.

You see where I’m going with this? The lady is the main course. Anything else is just collateral damage.

At least one of these fabulous gentlemen is not gay.

I’ll take it one step further. If there is a female involved and things get all experimental, you’re still not gay. Hell, you’re not even bisexual. If the chick wants to take a breather while the two of you go at it, you guessed it- still not gay. As long as there’s a lady present, you could be rogering a dude like nobody’s business and IT’S STILL NOT GAY. If she’s got to take a phone call and steps out of the room for a minute, she’s still under the same roof, so technically- not gay. If she wants to go out and grab something to eat, as long as she brings some back for you, YOU’RE TOTALLY NOT GAY. If she goes home for the night to catch some sleep, as long as you think about her every once in a while, you’re still a red-blooded, heterosexual male.

And of course, if you click on the picture at the top of the post, I can assure you, YOU ARE NOT GAY. If you were previously, it might even make you straight.

I hope this guide has been helpful. Go forth and spread the word like ass cheeks.