Monthly Archives: August 2010

Gawker Loves Ignorant Religious Types Who Fight For Their Right To Say The Word “Nigger”

Posted on August 31, 2010 | 3 Comments

Brought to you by Gawker, in conjunction with the idjits behind International Burn A Quran Day.

Is it just me, or do these fanatical religious organizations act out for the same reason D-list celebrities do? Publicity. They are fame whores, addicted to the attention. So wag your tongue all you want, Gawker, you hypocrites, because you love it. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t call attention to it, and you wouldn’t be making money off of it. What you really should be saying is, “Thank god for ignorant racists that want to use the word nigger, because they are our bread and butter. We condem their actions, but we love them.” It is a clear cut case of hate the sin, love the sinner, that would make Florida’s Dove World Outreach Center proud. Because if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re just a craker-ass-cracker, helping spread the message of hate.

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Posted in Racism, Religion

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Buffalolz

Posted on August 31, 2010 | Leave a comment

Today the jabber rolls onto his back and displays his soft, pink underbelly, with a fun-filled post the whole family can enjoy. No bestiality or underage nudity here, just wholesome humor in the tradition of  everyone’s favorite internet meme (and my very own lol molerats.) Introducing- Buffalolz!!!

Fuck it, I can’t resist. As the bard says, to thine own self be true. Cover the kid’s eyes! I swear, it’s not my fault. These things practically write themselves. That tongue demands innuendo!

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Posted in Animal Hijinks, Bestiality, i can has cheezburger?, I can haz queen's teet?, Image Macro, Internet Meme

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Shake Weight For Men Is The Most (unintentionally?) Homoerotic Device Ever Invented

Posted on August 27, 2010 | 3 Comments

The first time I saw this commercial, it was playing in the background at a bar, and wasn’t even a gay bar!  Don’t find anything odd about it? Then you were probably raised in a convent. And I’m not talking about one of those sexy European convents, where everyone is possessed by the devil, running around with no clothes, and masturbating with crosses. I’m talking, “Jesus didn’t have a penis” type convent here. So if that’s the case, here are some conceptual drawings to give you a clue. Welcome to the real world, sister.

shake weight

Shake weight circle jerk

Great for parties!

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Posted in Masturbation, Sexuality, Television

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The Greatest Gift The Internet Ever Gave Humanity Was Pterodactyl Porn

Posted on August 26, 2010 | 1 Comment
Pterodactyl Porn

Thank you, Al Gore.

Here is a LINK to the video on eBaum’s World. You have to create a log in, but trust me, it’s worth it. (Or you can brave the depravity that is Pornotube.) The best part is that you can hear a plane flying overhead while they are filming. Oh, who am I kidding? The best part is the pterodactyl sex!

Unfortunately, this is only a short clip. There used to be a longer version available, but it seems to have gone the way of the dinosaur (rimshot!) The best part of that version was the baby pterodactyl in the foreground that looked right at the camera and cawed for its mother while the prehistoric fornication took place. It’s like he was peering into your perverted little soul, saying, “I want my mommy, you sick fuck.”

Think that’s the only Jurassic jerk off material out there? Think again. Check out this “highlight reel” from Pornosaurus, a video featuring a Tyrannosaurus fucking two  non-reptilian ladies. His arms may be short, but his reach is looooong, if you know what I mean.

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Posted in Animal Hijinks, Bestiality, Sexuality

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Devotion Vodka is Made of 100% Guido Jizz

Posted on August 25, 2010 | 1 Comment

Guido jizz vodka

Devotion vodka is purporting to be the first and only vodka to contain protein, and by protein, they mean delicious guido jizz.

Via Radar Online:

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is capitalizing on his hard-partying Jersey Shore image by endorsing Devotion Vodka.

“Mike loves it because he says you can keep your body in the best shape possible while being able to party at the same time.”

Devotion vodka is described on their website as “the first and only vodka using GUIDO JIZZ  to smooth out the vodka and give it its distinct chardonnay like finish.”

Mm… nothing goes down smoother than guido jizz- except maybe tripe like this. Anyone who believes a celebrity endorsed vodka will help keep them in shape because some greasy douche stirred it with his wang deserves AIDS. Lucky for them, it cums free in every bottle. Bottoms up, losers!

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Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Douchebaggery

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Platypi Have The Most Amazing Penis In All Of Creation

Posted on August 25, 2010 | 2 Comments
Platypus Love

Time to get my fuck on.

Take that, Sus scrofa and your corkscrew shaped member, Echidnas have you beat! These amazing creatures have a bifurcated  hemipenis with a total of four, count ‘em, four heads. The thing looks like David Cronenberg’s shower nozzle. (Click HERE if you hate your eyes. If that doesn’t faze you, click HERE for a video of a very similar penised animal.) Now that you are thoroughly repulsed, here’s the science behind the sex:

This resembles very much the way lizards and snakes ejaculate: they have a double penis (named hemipenis), but only one of the two penises is used during the copulation, while the other will effectuate the next copulation/ejaculation.

Basically, the platypus penis is like a double-barreled shotgun. It only pulls one trigger at a time, giving it twice the mating proficiency of a lowly single-penised organism. That way, if a ladypus asks the post-coital question, ” are you ready to go again,” the inevitable answer is “yes.” That kind of turnaround will get you a lot of platypussy!

Garden of Eden

Lost in the Garden of Eden

The platypus may be the weirdest creature in all of nature, but it doesn’t corner the market on the hemipenis. As stated above, certain reptiles have a bifurcated member as well. That means a snake has a forked tongue and a forked penis. No wonder he was able to so successfully manipulate Eve in the Garden of Eden. He was a smooth talker and had a freakishly pleasurable wang. Poor Adam couldn’t compete.

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Posted in Animal Hijinks, Bestiality

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Hot New Emma Watson Nude Pic Surfaces

Posted on August 24, 2010 | 3 Comments

Fat Emma Watson Nude

Yikers! Somebody’s gone all Brando now that the Harry Potter series has wrapped. Unless she’s carbo-loading for a role. Either way, there seems to be a renewed interest in the young starlet’s snickerpatch, as google searches involving the words “Emma Watson” and “nude” have spiked, bringing perverts to the jabber in droves. (You can find my previous Watson post, That Chick From Harry Potter Gets Skanky Russian Stripper Head Replacement Surgery, HERE.)

Anyways,  I’m pretty sure this pic is legit, so consider the internet rumor machine set in motion. She probably leaked it herself, what with the imminent release of Harry Potter and the I Can’t believe It’s Not Over Yet, Aren’t Those Kids Getting A Bit Old? Part I. You can never have too much publicity, especially when genitals are involved. I’ve been assured this is the first in a series of increasingly freaky pictures, so stay tuned. I hope she splurged for the warranty on that poor Quidditch broom. (Wait for this link to load, it is worth it.)

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Posted in Film

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Is The Belly Button Connected To The Penis?

Posted on August 23, 2010 | 4 Comments

Belly Button Penis Tickle

If not, then why does the tip of my dick hurt when I poke that shit? It feels like a bolt of lightning is going to shoot out of my cock-piece, like in that Grinderman video. It’s almost like having a funny bone in your penis hole.

I thought maybe I was a freak of nature, but according to google, I am not. Many (school-age) men are concerned with this. I’m just older and can spell better.

Belly Button Penis

Belly Button Penis

Belly Button Penis

The number one answer to this question? STD’s! In 7th graders? That can’t be right. Can a brother get a serious answer? No. But apparently, a sister can:

Belly Button Vagina

There you have it. The Urachus. A fibrous remnant of the allantois, a canal that drains the bladder of the fetus via the umbilical cord. I especially like the qualifier “females particularly.” She’s asking this question on behalf of women, NOT men with vaginas. Those guys are on their own. Knowledge is power, my friend.

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Posted in Health, Science, Sexuality

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James Ellroy Has Mommy Issues

Posted on August 20, 2010 | 1 Comment

Hilliker Curse

He also has a new memoir, which I have reviewed, over @ the Cult. 224 pages of scar-laced neuroses called The Hilliker Curse. The Demon Dog has no secrets (or shame.) It is very raw and very good.

Onanist. Pervert. Peeping tom. Glue huffer. Panty sniffer. Homeless drifter. John. By his own admission, James Ellroy has been each of these things; he wears it like a badge of honor. In his mind, as a child, he was a murderer. As an adult- a dedicated son and a devoted husband. But what a lot of people don’t realize, is that above all else, he always has, and always will be, a man whose life is ruled by women.

Click HERE for full review.

Also: Blood’s A Rover.

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Posted in Books, Opinions Are Like Assholes, Reviews

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Rooster Cogburn!!!

Posted on August 20, 2010 | 1 Comment
Rooster Cogburn

Tickle my cock for the awesomeness

Xmas day…

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Posted in Film

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