How To Eat Your Own Pussy

Artist's rendering

This one’s for the ladies.

I don’t know why this never occurred to me before. My How To Suck Your Own Dick post is still one of my most popular, so why not follow it up with one focusing on the feminine equivalent? There’s got to be plenty of ladies out there desperate for instruction on how to munch down on their own box, and I, for one, am desperate to provide it to them. Yet despite my enthusiasm for the subject, I remain a skeptic. Is the mythic self-slurp even physically possible? It was this question that prompted my quest, a quest comparable to that of the search for Bigfoot, a quest only slightly less hairy. My first stop was a reputable website called NationMaster.com (???) Let’s see what they had to say, shall we? My comments emboldened in bold:

While autofellatio is well-documented (by me, motherfucker!), autocunnilingus would be more difficult to perform since the female genitalia are a greater difference (I think they mean “distance”) from the mouth than the head of an erect penis. It is also similarly unaided by having larger than average genitalia (unless you are Chyna) which is common in autofellatio. The capability to perform what contortionists describe as an extreme frontbend would be necessary in order to achieve this. Women are naturally more flexible than men, so this may aid in counteracting the greater distance. While some may claim that a woman’s breast size would counteract her flexible advantages by impeding progress, this would only apply to very well endowed women (In other words, big titty bitches are shit out of luck.)

Click for more (ridiculous) uncensored illustrations

There is much dispute as to whether autocunnilingus is possible. Numerous sources say that it is, but only in rare cases, [citation needed] while others doubt that it can be done, noting a lack of citable evidence. (I love how the lack of citable evidence is backed up by the redundant “citation needed.”) The most extreme generally-available images of contortionists performing frontbends do not appear to depict the head and genitalia close enough to perform autocunnilingus, so a woman who was capable of autocunnilingus would also be capable of exceeding the generally-known feats of contortionists. (Whoever wrote this is not the greatest writer.)

The strongest evidence for the non-existence of autocunnilingus is the failure of the pornography industry to produce images of it en masse, as no images of the act have been documented that are clear depictions and do not appear to be photo manipulations.

What do we say, real or fake? (NSFW!!!)

World’s Oldest Autocunni Pic *    Over A Barrel *   Sexy Fake?

Sit on my (own) face to tell me that I love me

What do you think, Madonna?

Madonna at the "all you can eat" clam bake.

According to Nation Master, no images have been documented that do not appear to be photo manipulations, but what about the moving image?

(WARNING! FULL-ON XXX PORNO SITE)

This is the proof you are looking for right here!

Because you actually see this girl get into that position with complete and utter ease. Look at that smile. She is plenty pleased with herself. Wouldn’t you be?

So the next time you are all by your lonesome and feel like getting romantic with yourself, do yourself a flavor, ladies. Don’t just stare at it- eat it!