I know we just talked about the teaser trailer for Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence, but when it rains in Holland, it pours. Which is why you need to run, not shuffle on all fours, over to Twitch where they have just posted my interview with the film’s director, Tom Six. Ichi! Ni! Ichi! Ni!
What the fuck is this? Four young bucks showing the ladies how they do the do? The most homoerotic display of machismo ever filmed? A group of burgeoning furniture fetishists? Or a pack of future rapists being home schooled?
Either way, it seems like they wanted this out there. How are they not embarrassed? Do girls actually watch this video and think, I want to be that ottoman? I want “pipelayer” inside me? And would those moves even work on a woman who is not a piece of furniture? I know brothers are supposed to be hung, but are their dicks shaped like crazy straws too? Unfortunately, this misguided attempt at broadcasting sexual technique only serves to perpetuate the stereotype that black dudes will fuck anything.
Nothing screams “virgin” more than all male furniture fucking. In the interest of helping these desperate dudes get laid, please send this animated gif(t) to all your available lady friends. It is a guaranteed panty-dropper.
Totally NOT gay
Last time I wrote a post about Rooster Cogburn, I got negative hits, so SCREW YOU, readership! It can’t all be underage pussy jokes all the time. Sometimes we need to inject a little culture into our lives. Some Hollywood Jew culture. Plus, I wanted to keep up the tradition of posting Coen brothers trailers. Them boys is geniuses. So belly up to the table. I don’t care if it does look like a movie about The Dude with an eye-patch. You’ll be suppin’ come Oscar time.
Not a trailer, but…
The best laid plans...
From The Telegraph:
Jimi Heselden, 62, plunged into the River Wharfe at a spot close to his home in Boston Spa, near Wetherby, West Yorkshire.
It is thought he lost control of one of the all-terrain versions of the machine as he travelled along a rutted bridleway close to his estate on Sunday morning.
First off, the irony of a man’s death by his own much ridiculed product is too delicious to ignore. Secondly, rutted bridleway?
What The Telegraph doesn’t tell you is that it is a well-known secret that Heselden’s wife was involved in an ongoing affair with XJ-17, one of Segway’s very first prototypes and Jimi’s best friend. Sources close to the family who wish to remain anonymous have said XJ was pressuring Julie to divorce Heselden and ride away with him, but she was reluctant to give up the lavish lifestyle she had become accustomed to. It is suspected that XJ took matters into his own wheels and launched himself and Heselden off a cliff in a final defiant act of love. A young couple on a nature hike that morning claim they heard “if I can’t transport her, no one can…” reverberate across the woods.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Accidental Death, Jimi Heselden, Julie Heselden, Robot Sex, Segway, Star Crossed Lovers
Tom Six- 100% Medically AWESOME!
This brings a tear of joy to my eye, like seeing my little boy all grown up and off to college. The jabber was one of the first on the Human Centipede bandwagon (see post HERE) way back in July ’09 while all y’all suckas slept. Now HC is getting shoutouts on the Emmys and even cats are getting in on the action.
But the real reason we brought you all here is because we have a special announcement to make. Now that HC is leaving the nest on DVD and Blu-ray, it is time for a new bundle of joy to enter this world. Which is why we are proud to present the first official teaser trailer for The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence!!!!!!!!!!!! (That sentence gets twelve exclamation points, one for each person in the new human centipede!) Click on Six to check it out, where you’ll be treated to a glimpse of the new villain, accompanied by promises/threats of rampant medical inaccuracy. That’s right. We said INaccuracy.
From Rare Cult Films:
Seeding of a Ghost is a neat little film produced by the infamous Shaw Brothers Studio in their last few years of existence… It’s an interesting artifact from a time when the studio was trying to re-establish relevancy with the film-going public in Hong Kong in the face of stiff competition from the newer, hipper studios… So how does an old-fashioned Hong Kong film company make a movie that speaks to the audience of China circa 1983? Why, by making a sleazy exploitation movie about ghosts, sex, and voodoo, of course…
…Basically our hero’s girlfriend is raped and murdered by some thugs, and he goes about getting his revenge with the help of a crazy-looking voodoo priest. And that’s pretty much it. Violence, nudity, sex scenes, reanimated corpses, and general chaos ensue.
And don’t forget boners! This is a highly erotic piece of cinema whose title should be taken literally. That ghost gets filled with supernatural semen in this orgasm of ectoplasm. I’m not entirely sure, but what I’ve deduced from the clip is that the corpse of the hero’s wife is impregnated by the soul of some dude (who may also be dead) so that she may give birth to the vehicle of her own vengeance. Let’s see you come up with that, Hollywood! (This just in, Seeding of A Ghost to be remade by Robert Rodriguez, starring John Cho and Lindsay Lohan.)
That coke diet finally pays off.
Posted in Asian Interests, Film
Tagged Ghost Sex, John Cho, Lindsay Lohan, Necrophilia, Rape, Revenge, Robert Rodriguez, Seeding of A Ghost, Shaw Brothers, Voodoo
Blood River- Another belt of moonshine from the Mason jar. Just as tough to swallow and as poorly acted as the previous batch, but for some reason I keep drinkin’ it.
Lake Mungo- One of those pseudo-documentary style horror flicks that are all the rage these days. This one’s about a missing girl with a mysterious past. More interesting than Paranormal Activity and less annoying than The Blair Witch Project.
Mother- Tell your children not to walk my way. Especially if they are sexually frustrated and legally retarded. A bad combo that makes for a good movie about the complicity of family.
Never Let Me Go- Emotionally restrained adaptation of Ishiguro’s quasi science fiction novel. The only thing flatter than Keira Knightley’s performance is her chest.
RUSH: Beyond the Lighted Stage- A chronicle of the greatest drummer in the world, the ugliest woman in rock and roll, and that other guy. Kinda like a longer, better produced episode of Behind The Music. If you like Rush even a little, you’ll like this movie.
The Last Exorcism- Another one of those pseudo-documentary style horror flicks that are all the rage these days. Blair Witch meets The Exorcist meets Rosemary’s Baby. Better than at least one of those movies.
The God Who Wasn’t There- Sorry, Margaret, I’m not here to take your call. You’ll have to deal with your first period on your own. Those old school maxi-diapers are a bitch. Good thing it’s 2010 and people don’t use them anymore, although they still believe in me for some reason.
Galaxy of Terror- Galaxy of terrible. Except for the infamous giant worm rape scene, which is a bit of brilliance. It’s like the rape scene in Straw Dogs, on an intergalactic level.
Winter’s Bone- Ozarkian hillbilly noir about a young girl’s search for her deadbeat dad who might be dead. I don’t really have a joke for this one. It’s that good.
Restrepo- A year in the life of a platoon stationed in one of the most strategic (and dangerous) valleys in Afghanistan. Intense doc. Makes me thankful I’m middle class and white and didn’t have to join the army. Let Them Eat War.
Beast in Space XXX- Ridiculously bad euro-sleaze that makes Galaxy of Terror look like 2001. The XXX version features spliced in porno sex, where the genitals don’t match the action. In one such scene they intercut a blond white woman with almost no pubes and a black vagina with a giant, curly bush. That’s how bad this movie is. (Click HERE to be on the receiving end of some giant beast cock. NSFW)
Beautiful- Australian Blue Velvet ripoff that suffers from a lack of Dennis Hopper, Isabella Rossellini’s bush, the chicken walk, and David Lynch behind the camera.
PREVIOUSLY:
Another Exciting Installment of Encapsulated Movie Reviews: The Pirate Edition
Posted in Film, Opinions Are Like Assholes, Reviews
Tagged Adam Mason, Alex Lifeson, Are You There God It's Me Margaret, Beautiful, Beyond the Lighted Stage, Blood River, Blue Velvet, David Lynch, Galaxy of Terror, Geddy Lee, God Who Wasn't There, Ishiguro, Joon-ho Bong, Judy Blume, Keira Knightley, Lake Mungo, Last Exorcism, Mark Romanek, Mother, Neil Peart, Never Let Me Go, Restrepo, Rush, Winter's Bone, Worm Rape
A lazy Mexican. A dirty Jew. A red Chinese. These are the first, fleeting images of the new Bioshock Infinite gameplay trailer. Seen in a blur as the protagonist regains consciousness, the stereotypes congeal into one mammoth, racist work of art. It is our holy duty to guard against the foreign hordes. So begins what is surely to be one of the most racially delicious games of all time.
Is it allegory? Possibly. Is it funny? You betcha. Will the 13 year old in Mississippi get it? Probably not. It doesn’t matter. Video games are for smart people now, so get lost, Hillbilly. Click on the beauty that is the supreme whiteness of George Washington for the fantastic HD video. Foreign hordes aside, this game is gonna kick some serious ass, no matter what color it is.
Bioshock Infinite reinvents the franchise, addressing concerns over the lack of evolution in Bioshock 2. The underwater art deco environment has been replaced with a colonial city in the clouds, although poor Lando Calrissian would not be welcome. The vid showcases some new “plasmids”, such as the murder of crows, and an interesting new system of conveyance that looks extremely unsafe. And let’s not forget the giant flying “Big Daddy” that looks like it was raped by the Hawkman. Can’t wait? Unfortunately, Infinite is not due until sometime in 2012, so you’ll have to. Until then, enjoy the vid.
Posted in Racism, Video Games, White Power!
Tagged Art Deco, Big Daddy, Bioshock Infinite, Cloud City, Colonialism, Gameplay Trailer, Irrational Games, Lando Calrissian, Plasmids, Rapture
Thank you IO9, the most highbrow of science blogs.
What is a female lady ninja to do when confronted by a more qualified, higher paid male ninja? Even the playing field, by releasing the evil vagina bubble from hell! It’s like releasing the Kraken, only sexier. The unsuspecting dude ninja will be too busy thinking the subservient Asian woman is whipping up a frothy batch of salmon teriyaki and then BLAMMO! He’s trapped inside a pussy fart.
Posted in Asian Interests, Film, Science, Sociology, Vagina
Tagged Female Ninjas 3: The Magic Chronicles, Ninjas, Pussy Fart, Release the Kraken, Sexism, Vagina Bubble
That book cover is totally in itself! Whoa...
And how do you figure out how old an ass is? You count the rings!
I review Justin Cronin’s post apocalyptic doorstop over at ChuckPalahniuk.net
It’s already been referenced ad nauseum, so I will refrain from making any lazy Twilight comparisons in this review. Those sparkly bastards are too ingrained in the current zeitgeist as it is. Equally as unhelpful is flaccid hyperbole, ready-made blurbs along the lines of, “this ain’t your momma’s vampire novel.” Because The Passage barely qualifies as a vampire novel to begin with. This works in its favor, more often than not, helping set it apart from the rest of the haematophilic pack. Cronin hasn’t so much reinvented the genre as liberally borrowed from it, picking and choosing the perfect combination of fresh and familiar. The result? The successful synthesis of bound and jacketed mass appeal.
Posted in Books, Opinions Are Like Assholes
Tagged ChuckPalahniuk.net, Justin Cronin, Post Apocalyptic, Review, The Passage, Twilight, Vampires
