Monthly Archives: March 2011

Skeletor Has A Big Blue Dick- Or A Pair Of Luscious Breasts, If You Prefer That

Posted on March 30, 2011 | Leave a comment
Skeletor's Dick

Click for the dick

You’re seriously gonna want to click through for the full, uncensored image. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure there’s a tiny flame shooting out of ole Skull Face’s cock, a la Taxidermia.  That, combined with the velvet panthers and the bird flippage… brilliant. If Cockotor is not your cup of tea, might I suggest the topless Lady Skeletor? Note the big-breasted She-Man in the background (not to be confused with the much more feminine She-Ra.) Those two definitely have lesbian power-sex. Unless that fur diaper she’s wearing is hiding a little trans-gender surprise, which would only serve to sweeten the deal.

Topless Lady Skeletor

Or, if you are a classicist like me, you might prefer some good old-fashioned Masters of the Universe style slash. Orko and The Sorceress seem appalled (jealous?), but Battle Cat is obviously into it. As am I. It’s nothing I didn’t make my own action figures do in the bathtub. Last week.

He-Man fucks Skeletor

I’m not even gonna bother to offer up an explanation, because this amazing artwork speaks for itself. But if you feel so inclined, click on over to IO9 for the deets behind the treats. I have the poweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!

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Posted in Art, Cartoons, NSFW, Sexuality

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You Can’t Spell “Entity” Without “Tity”

Posted on March 30, 2011 | Leave a comment
Entity Grope

Click to make Casper go away

Otherwise, what’s he gonna hold onto while he’s banging you?

And I’m assuming it’s a “he” here, as Barbara Hershey is the object of said assailant’s invisible affection. Although I suppose the titular (!) entity could be a lady-ghost with a strap-on, if you want to rail against the use of so-called sexist pronouns. But being rape is involved, I’m sure the feminist contingent will be all, no thanks, a man probably did it. No need for gender-inclusive language here.

The Entity Poster

Have no idea what I’m talking about? Long before Hershey was molesting her daughter in Black Swan (HERE), she was being molested by a paranormal sex offender in 1982′s The Entity. The film is probably best known for its special effects (by none other than Stan Winston) which include Hershey’s kisses being magically “groped” by invisible hands. It was truly groundbreaking work at the time and is breathtaking to behold.

The bulk of The Entity holds up surprisingly well, insinuating the “attacks” might be some sort of psychological byproduct of Hershey’s incestuous relationship with her hot Puerto Rican son. But then the third act goes completely off the rails when a group of parapsychologists build a full-scale model of her house as a trap and attempt to freeze the entity in liquid helium.

What’s even crazier, is that the film is based on a novel that is purportedly based on a real life incident. Maybe it’s in the book, but I can’t possibly imagine the whole freezing-the-entity-like-Han-Solo escapade happened in real life. It’s too far-fetched. Demon rape is one thing. The rest sounds too much like Ghostbusters.

RELATED:

Worm rape scene from Galaxy of Terror is like the rape scene from Straw Dogs on an intergalactic level

Natalie Portman packs her own box lunch

Revenge of the Chinese paranormal ghost sex

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Posted in Film, Rape, Sexuality

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Average Penis Size World Map Confirms Stereotypes, China’s Biggest (smallest) Fears

Posted on March 28, 2011 | 6 Comments
Average Penis Size World Map

Click to enlarge (the jokes write themselves!)

Map via chinaSMACK.

No wonder American women are running for the border, going black and never coming back and emigrating to Canada (she told me it was strictly for the health care!) Not only does this map confirm stereotypes, it confirms why our women aren’t taking the small-dick-boat to China.

It’s funny- chinaSMACK finds and translates popular stories from Chinese language websites, and they have put their own unique slant (should I use a different word?) on the material in their title:

World penis length map published. Korean males capture the crown

And if you think that’s racist, check out this completely serious and scientific map that correlates IQ scores with average penis size. You can’t have it all, Asia!

Now all we need is a map comparing the distribution of pencil dicks vs. tuna cans.

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Posted in Health, Racism, Science, Sexuality, Uncategorized

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Runnin’ A Bieber: Or Why I Never Want Daughters Of My Own

Posted on March 23, 2011 | 3 Comments

Via those chucklebuckets over at thedanzatap:

Bieber on Chat Roulette

Bieber flash

Runnin A Bieber

A warning to all you fathers out there with slutty daughters who are dumber than dirt- the internet is a dangerous place. She may think she’s flashing her underage taters to K.D. Lang Justin Bieber, but it’s probably just a room full of Tri-Lams. The fact that the Bieb didn’t move or speak should have been their first clue. What, did he use telepathy to tell them he wanted to see their breasts?

I love the look of horror on the poor girl’s face in the last set. I don’t think she’d ever seen a black guy before.

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Posted in Music, Race Relations, Underage Pussy

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Worm Rape Scene From Galaxy of Terror is Like The Rape Scene From Straw Dogs on an Intergalactic Level

Posted on March 18, 2011 | 9 Comments

Skip to the 1:30 mark is you are so horny you can’t make it through the foreplay (cue Boston song.)

This was posted on IO9 a while back, but they weren’t able to put it into the greater context of filmic depictions of rape. Although not immediately apparent, this scene has a lot in common with the controversial rape scene in Sam Peckinpah’s  Straw Dogs. As in Peckinpah’s violent opus, the rape scene in Galaxy of Terror can be viewed as ambiguous. At first, the character of Dameia resists the advances of the mutant space worm, the way a woman would resist the “charms” of (IE: attempted rape by) Sean Connery in an early Bond film. But as she is covered in lubricating sex acid and her clothing disintegrates, a funny thing happens- she begins to enjoy it. She catches the rhythm and grinds along with the thrusts of the worm, accepting her erotic fate. In space, no one can hear you scream as you are worm-sexed to death.

galaxy of terror poster

As with Straw Dogs, the rape scene in Galaxy of Terror had to be trimmed to appease the MPAA. A grind here, a thrust there- anything to lessen the complicit nature of the act. Ironically, with Dogs, that only served to support the impression that the victim enjoyed the assault. With Terror, all it did was deprive the audience of a few extra seconds of worm rape. Sweet, sweet worm rape.

This is all documented with appropriate humor on the recent DVD release of the landmark B film. Unfortunately for you space-pervs out there, the offending material is long gone, so there won’t be any unrated director’s cut any time ever.

And if you think you can write a piece about Galaxy of Terror without using the term “worm rape” as many times as I did, you’re more than welcome to try.

Previously: Galaxy of Terror encapsulated review.

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Posted in Film, Rape, Sexuality, Uncategorized

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All this drinking, violence, destruction of property… are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish?

Posted on March 17, 2011 | 1 Comment

Simpsons Drunk Irish

Yes it is, Kent. Yes it is.

Also, Darby O’Gill and the Little People and Leprechaun in the Hood, two classics of Irish cinema.

I couldn’t find a clip with the quote I wanted, and I didn’t want to link to some sketchy streaming site, so you’ll have to settle for this. Same episode.

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Posted in Cartoons, Television

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Mexican Jew Terrorists Conduct Voodoo Ritual On Plane

Posted on March 16, 2011 | 9 Comments
Tefillin Bomb

Looks like a bomb to me

Via Reuters:

An orthodox Jewish prayer observance… aboard an Alaska Airlines flight on Sunday alarmed flight attendants unfamiliar with the ritual, prompting them to lock down the cockpit and issue a security alert…

The three men, all Mexican nationals, were escorted off the plane by police and questioned by the FBI before being released…

It turned out the passengers were engaged in the wearing of tefillin — small, black prayer boxes containing scripture that devout Jews bind to their foreheads and arms with black leather straps in a daily ritual accompanied by special prayers.

Naked lady tefillin

Tefillin done right

First off, why would any Mexican want to be Jewish? Were they not feeling discriminated against enough? Maybe they should have started making out with each other as well. Cover all their bases.

Secondly, ignorant hysteria aside, don’t you think a modicum of discretion is in order concerning when and where you perform your scary religious rituals? Are you completely unaware of the political climate in which we exist? You couldn’t have played with your S&M prayer straps before the flight? To me, the whole thing reeks of goy baiting.

Freedom of religion is a two-way street. It is there to ensure the rights of crazy kooks, but what many people forget is that it also serves to protect normal people from having their lives infringed upon by religion. So practice your voodoo in the shameful privacy of your own home. When you take it to the streets (skies), you are being selfish and intolerant of non-religious people. Public space is communal space. Show some fucking courtesy.

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Posted in Jews, Religion

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Tonetta Has A Small Cock, But A Very Big Heart

Posted on March 15, 2011 | 1 Comment

It’s time, my children. I think you are finally ready to be subjected to the nauseatingly erotic musical stylings of the one and only… TONETTA. What is a Tonetta, you ask? Well, if a picture speaks a thousand words then these videos are a dictionary fight during a U.N. trip to the Tower of Babel that turns into an all out orgy. All you need to know is in the videos, but Jason Dean over at
7 inches is the internet’s foremost Tonetta expert, and extols the man’s virtues with the precision a scholar HERE and HERE.

Not only is Tonetta a consummate performer, he is also a lyrical genius. Take, for example, the poetry that is G and B Showers:

Gonna be your drain tonight
You won’t last a week if you don’t release
so please release it all over me
I’ve got no complaints as long as it rains

Dump it on me all night
as warm as it is black
I won’t complain, I can handle your crap
Let me be your drain tonight

Don’t be afraid, my child. Those feelings you are experiencing are normal. It doesn’t matter if they are in your heart, your mind or in your crotch. Because Tonetta owns all three. You belong to him now. Go with the nice man.

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Posted in Music, Sexuality

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Cockhunt

Posted on March 15, 2011 | Leave a comment
Cock Hunt

So much easier when magic is involved

Before you can suck your own dick, you’ve got to find it first.

This amusing little web comic comes courtesy of  the 1979 Semi-finalist. I was debating whether to credit her or not and do so with no small amount of trepidation. I couldn’t decide what would enrage her more, NOT being credited for bringing this to my attention or having her blog sullied by associating it with my own. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, I guess. Either way, she knows what we like, so click the pic for the cartoon dick!

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Posted in Sexuality

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Angels and Assholes

Posted on March 14, 2011 | 17 Comments

Angels and Assholes

So a while back I wrote a review (…From The Future!) of the Angels and Airwaves vanity project LOVE. Anyone with half a brain could see that it was nothing more than facetious satire. Cut to a month and a half later (because these kids are a little on the SLOW side) and the A&A community are hopping pissed. Turns out, they’re not all about peace and love like Mr. Burns after his longevity treatment; they’re a bunch of intolerant homophobic cyber-bullies.

Check the comments section of my original review to see what makes Tom Delonge’s mascara run. Click the image below for the concurrent rabble-rousing on the AVA message board.

Angels and Assholes 2

It’s sad, really. They can talk the talk, but the second someone disagrees with them or pokes a little fun, they fly off the handle (AKA Tom Delonge’s dick) and start calling people faggot. Granted, no one over the age of 16 likes this band, but still. There’s no excuse for what happened over at the jabber Facebook page. Way to represent your message, guys!

Angels and Homophobes

Not that it matters. The only thing the “message” of Angels and Airwaves improves is Tom Delonge’s bank account. He’s like the leader of a religious cult, benefiting from the unquestioning devotion of his sheep-like acolytes. Guess what, guys- there’s no spaceship/comet waiting to fly you to heaven once you drink the poison Kool-Aid. And you’re certainly not making the world a better place. Just a funnier one.

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Posted in Film, Music, Opinions Are Like Assholes, Reviews

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