Monthly Archives: June 2011

Succumb To The Evil Aliens Sexy Female Ejacualtion Scene

Posted on June 26, 2011 | Leave a comment

Evil Aliens female ejaculation

Are you ready to see the most erotic video ever? Then click on the above pic to make the lightspeed jump to planet pleasure! Even though the resolution is tiny, the boner it will produce shall be LARGE and mighty!

I can’t believe this vid isn’t all over the internet. It comes from Jake West’s comedic splatter flick, Evil Aliens. I would have posted this years ago (it got a brief mention HERE,) but I could find nary a titillating trace until recently. This scene is a little bit of brilliance in an otherwise abominable movie.

So if you’re into gushers and have fantasies of being abducted by aliens (and then having the shit raped out of you by said aliens while someone seemingly photographs the event like a fashion shoot,) this video for you.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Aliens, Film, Horror, Sexuality

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

How Come No One Is Upset This Award Winning Canadian Poet Was Killed In A Car Crash?

Posted on June 23, 2011 | 5 Comments

Robert Kroetsch

Via some Canadian E-rag:

Robert Kroetsch, a renowned poet, novelist, editor and professor, was killed in a car collision Tuesday night while returning from the ArtsPeak Festival, a weekend poetry fest in Canmore.

I mean, I don’t think “millions of people are crying right now,” or getting tattoos emblazoned with the word “hero” or anything. He never shoved a toy car up his ass, so I certainly don’t know who the fuck he is. Is it too early to assume he was drunk off his rocker? He is a novelist, after all. Has Roger Ebert weighed in?

Can we at least assume he was waaaaaaay too old to be behind the wheel? At almost 84, it wouldn’t be an erroneous assumption. Plus, he was being treated for Parkinson’s disease, which, as we all know, affects the motor skills of motorists. Five other people were injured in the crash, one critically. Should the elderly author be blamed? Why are more people not talking about this?!?!

→ 5 Comments

Posted in Books, Poetry

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Award Winning Pedophilia Themed Car Ad

Posted on June 23, 2011 | 1 Comment

KIA-Pedo-Ad-1

Which side is the erotic side? I guess that all depends on what kind of person you are. Are you a benevolent educator who believes children are the future or do you see them as tantalizing little fuck-pieces? That’s the whole point of the ad, right? One situation, two different viewpoints? You say potato, I say po-TA-to? She’s a little bit country, I’m a little bit rock n’ roll? There’s no right or wrong answer here- just opinion.

And what fuckxactly does this have to do with multi-climate zoned cars? Instead of hot and cold, does the KIA temperature scale run from educator to child-rapist? And why is this post written almost entirely in the form of a question? I want answers, people!

KIA-Pedo-Ad-2

Leave it to the French to laud kid-touching. Gross May/December sex is their bread and butter. The only thing they like more than a good underage romp is some good ole fashion incest. If the teacher and child in this ad were related, it would have won the Grand Prix instead of the Silver Lion (which I believe is the runner-up prize.) I’m sure irate print nerds will correct me if I’m wrong.

I wonder what aspiring Donald Raper came up with this campaign. I’m surprised that KIA went for it. If they wanted to market their vehicle directly to child molesters, they should have emphasized the roominess of the trunk and the stain resistant carpeting. Nothing puts a damper on a good rapenapping like blood and semen stains.

KIA-Pedo-Ad-3

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Education, Sexuality, Underage Pussy

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Controversial Science Experiment A Front For Freaky Naked Beluga Sex Show

Posted on June 22, 2011 | 2 Comments

WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH AQUATIC MAMMALS SO BAD?!?! I’m tired of writing about it, but the public will not be sated. I feel like butch lesbian Mister Rogers in The Godfather Part III.

Naked Beluga Swim 2

Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry dated the nudist and she strains to open the pickle jar? Yup. Bad naked.

So apparently there is some lady scientist who swims naked with beluga whales because they “don’t like clothes.” At least that’s what the men tell her, as they watch her frolic in sub-zero water from the safety of their parkas. They claim it’s all done in the name of “science,” but we know the TRUTH. Scientists are perverts.

Naked Beluga Swim

What's beluga for "she touched my bathing suit area?"

Leave it to the Russians. 90% of all internet porn comes from that area of the world, yet they are still pushing boundaries and innovating. Government subsidized bestiality porn masquerading as science may just be their masterstroke.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Bestiality, Delphinic Zoophilia, Science, Sexuality

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Quit Pussyfooting Around And FUCK THAT FOOT!

Posted on June 18, 2011 | Leave a comment
Pussy foot

So tight...

When Jules said to Vincent, Don’t be tellin’ me about foot massages, I’m the foot fuckin’ master, I don’t think this is what he meant. Actually fucking a foot. With a pussy on the bottom. Maybe if he had emphasized the word foot you could draw that conclusion, but even then, you’d think he just meant between the toes or something. Instead of this Cronenberg inspired creepiness. I mean, don’t get me wrong- those are some nice lookin’ feet- but I’m not really a foot guy, and I don’t think I’d like to put my penis inside one. I might be inclined to rub my dick all over a woman’s tootsies, if they were attached to a hot-ass lady. But fucking a disembodied silicone foot? That’s serial killer territory.

demure pussyfoot

Don't play coy with me, I know what you've got under there.

Thanks to SG, who enthusiastically endorses this product.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Sexuality

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Tanukis: The Original Cutie Balls

Posted on June 14, 2011 | Leave a comment

Super Mario Bros 3

Little did I know, as a young man playing Super Mario Bros. 3, that there was a rich history of folklore associated with the Tanooki [sic] suit featured in the game. If only I could go back in time to inform twelve year old me that said folklore involved giant, shape-shifting testicles- I’m sure the information would  be put to good use.

(click the pictures for more pictures)

tanuki ball face

The idea of the Tanuki as a big-balled mischief maker is so old, it predates the King James Bible by hundreds of years. Take that, Jeebus! Because unlike the exploits of a certain purported messiah, the veracity of the Tanuki’s testicular endowment is based on real life. The raccoon dog has long been admired for having a comically disproportionate scrotum, and this has had a profound effect on Japan’s popular culture.

Tanuki balls beat fishIt is a full frontal sack attack- from 19th century woodblock prints to children’s cartoons to advertisements to breakfast cereals. There is even a nursery rhyme about them:

Tan-tan-tanuki’s testicles,
there isn’t even any wind
but they still go swing-swing-swing

No Mary Had A Little Lamb for Japanese school children, they’re straight singin’ about raccoon nuts!

Tanuki testicles

While primarily used in a humorous context, there have been several reported cases of the fetishising of these furry little creatures and their big, furry balls. It goes without saying that perverts should proceed with caution.  Because although they appear to be cute and cuddly, Tanukis are still wild animals. The woman in the illustration below may look to be on the brink of transcendental ecstasy,  but in actuality she is in for the tit-scratching of a lifetime. If those wounds were to get infected, they could lead to frothing at the teat and breast-rabies.

erotic tanuki balls

Someone has taken their love of Tanuki balls a little too far.

Tanuki lover may seem poised to succeed crazy cat lady as the lifestyle of choice for lonely spinsters, but best to keep that relationship platonic. That way, you won’t get your heart broken or your breast meat tore up. And if you’re a dude, you won’t get your dick bit.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Animal Hijinks, Art, Asian Interests, Bestiality, Comics, History, Sexuality, Testicles

Tagged , , , , , ,

Fuck Yeah, Cutey Balls!

Posted on June 7, 2011 | 5 Comments

fuck yeah cutey balls

Courtesy of Fuck Yeah Nouns, I present the most appropriate pairing of words and image known to man- the elusive cutey balls.

→ 5 Comments

Posted in Animal Hijinks, Testicles

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall That Flows From Chris Martin’s Vagina

Posted on June 7, 2011 | 6 Comments

What’s wrong with Brian Eno? Doesn’t he have any veto power? Or is he just a figurehead at this point, asleep at the wheel while the band walks all over some greenhorn engineer? Because a producer with integriballs would have told Martin, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls.”

“But Brian, Gwyneth needs these tears to lubricate the arid wasteland between her thighs.”

“That’s what Madonna’s tongue is for. Come back when you’ve got some lyrics that don’t sound like they were written by an adolescent girl.”

Dawson Teardrop Waterfall

WARNING: Listening to the new Coldplay song may result in a bad case of "Anus Face," AKA Renee Zellweger syndrome.

Instead, old man Eno wakes up at the end of each session and dumps a shit-ton of reverb on everything before calling it a day. Then hip soccer moms everywhere validate the whole farce, reaffirming Mrs. Paltrow’s reign as king of the middle-aged vagina rockers.

→ 6 Comments

Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Music

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Search Terms of Hilarious Note: On Stranger Tides

Posted on June 6, 2011 | 5 Comments

hilarious search terms

Like Pirates of the Caribbean, we probably didn’t need a fourth installment, but what’s good enough for the studio machine is good enough for us. A lot of these terms correspond to actual posts I’ve written, as weird as they are, but some of them are so ridiculous that I have no idea what these people were thinking.

angels are assholes- They sure are. Just because they are invisible doesn’t give them the right to push our grandmothers down the stairs or watch our teenage sisters lather up their breasts in the shower. Oh wait, that was me.

naked woman 5ft 8 inches- The specificity of people’s predilections are astounding.

22 inches of dick- Kind of like Bubble Tape, only shorter… and with dick. Comes in classic pink. And grape.

common butt cheek tattoos- I challenge this Googler to find me even one pair of matching ass tattoos. They are like snowflakes. No two are the same.

i wanna be the ass- You already are, buddy.

mentally challenged sexy- Um… no.

manimal love- Who doesn’t love this short-lived television series about a shape-shifting doctor who fights crime?

jizz and vodka- It’s called a bukkake shot. Delicious.

james cameron worm rape- Your sordid past is finally coming back to haunt you, Jim.

orang-utan slut- Orangutan sluts need not apply. Orang-utans only, please.

aliens fly like this- This sounds like the setup to an intergalactic Def Comedy Jam joke. “And white guys fly like this…”

http://www.nature rape scen- You’re in luck! I just checked Go Daddy, and this domain is still available. Get it while it’s hot!

girl self lick barrel- A barrel?!?!

i can haz sister- Incest has never been LOL-ier.

unicorn shitting cupcakes- Unfortunately, they are vegan, so they still taste like shit.

mike sorrentino ass penis and naked photos- Someone really wants to see this shithead’s ass-penis.

how to suck your own dick in one night/how to suck your own dick tricks/how to definitely suck own dick- A trifecta of desperation.

how to massage women breast for lust- Because I already know how to massage them for money and power.

black swan…did natalie really get ate out- No, but your grammar got fucked.

rape sean- What did poor Sean ever do to you?

why does belly button tickle genitals- Because belly button is a dirty pervert, that’s why.

tuna can dick google images- Believe it or not, Tuna Can Dick is a small town in the Midwest and is visible on Google Earth.

site:answers.yahoo.com netflix child nudity- Where to begin with this? The FBI is on their way to your home as we speak.

how fill ass water- Ass thirsty please tell.

fat waman pres tite to give milk- What I want to know is how to pres fat waman tite for lust.

nazi pterodactyl porn- When plain old nazi or pterodactyl porn just won’t suffice. Chocolate and peanut butter, baby.

shamed japanese beastiality- As opposed to proud Japanese bestiality?

martin luther king jr wants- Is this an actual list? Like Richard Nixon’s enemies list? What does he want? The suspense is killing me!!!

perverted 3d glasses- And you thought regular glasses were perverted.

shit all over her- Is that an order?

how far into galaxy of terror is the erotic caterpillar scene- You mean the intergalactic worm rape scene? You say potato…

justin bieber very very verybig dick penis on water- Seriously, what the fuck does this mean? Why is his penis on water? Why does it have to be very very verybig and not just very or very very? Who is searching for this shit? What do they expect to find? And why does this lead to my blog?!?!?!? It makes no sense!

More SEARCH TERMS

→ 5 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Trojan Presents: George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice Condoms

Posted on June 5, 2011 | 2 Comments
FIre and Ice Condoms

Recommended with impish glee by George R. R. Martin himself

Tired of your bastard sons usurping the inheritance of your true-born children? Well then rape and pillage responsibly by sheathing your flesh-sword in a Trojan brand Song of Fire and Ice condom. Why needlessly spill your seed into a serving wench or farmer’s daughter when you can just as easily spill it into an auroch skin? It takes less effort than raising the whelp and banishing him to The Wall (although The Wall is always looking for good men.) Avoid awkward family moments and the disdain of your lady wife with George R. R. Martin’s Song of Fire and Ice condoms! Lubricated with a special mixture of maiden’s thigh sweat and grease collected from the jowls of feasting sellswords, you won’t even know you’re cock-deep in animal innards. Don’t slide into that conquest bareback like a Dothraki savage, take up the battle cry of the responsible knight- no gauntlet, no love! Because when you play the Game of Bones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.

Also available with dragon scale ribbing, for her (dis)pleasure.

Game of Thrones review

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Books, Sexuality

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,