I got yer rules of the road right here, buddy!
Okay, I admit it. I’m an anti-veloist. I hate cyclists. They are a bunch of trendy, hypocritical douche-nuggets with an irrational sense of entitlement. They are rude, obnoxious, selfish and think they are above the law (even though it is there to protect them). They are waging a self-righteous war on motorists out of false ecological concern. It is elitism of the worst kind.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those guys who rejoices at the sight of cyclists being mowed down. As a licensed driver, I’m perfectly happy to share the road. But as a pedestrian, I’m all too aware of the double standard when it comes to our spandex-clad friends. They get all indignant and whine like bitches when a car happens too close to them (even when they are weaving in and out of traffic), but don’t give a second thought to whizzing down the bike lane on a one-way street IN THE WRONG DIRECTION! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve nearly been flattened by one of those assholes, only to have them get pissed at me. You’re supposed to follow the same rules as a motorist, shithead, and that includes driving in the right direction.
Your average NYC cyclist
It’s a fucking war zone out there. The battle for New York City streets is fast becoming the new Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Bike lanes are like the Gaza Strip and cyclists are like refugees armed with rocks. Plus, Jews hate them! Smelly orthodox Jews and equally smelly hipsters have been butting heads over bike lanes since forever (2009). Much like the ongoing culture clash in the Middle East, I don’t see this one being resolved any time soon.
thejamminjabber’s handy guide to New York City cyclists:
Bike Messenger- I’ve got a package, people! (Oh, and I will also steal your laptop while I’m in your office.)
Hipster Cyclist- The worst. Transportation as fashion statement. Just die.
Old Asian Cyclist- They’re just as bad on bikes as they are in cars. Grandma thinks she’s riding down a dirt road in the old country.
Gangsta Cyclist- Weed and bikes don’t mix, but at least these guys ride slow. Just don’t get caught in a drive-by.
Euro Trash Cyclist- He wants you to see his sponsors and his nuts. This ain’t the Tour de France, buddy!
Delivery Guy- I appreciate you bringing me my lunch, amigo, just try not to run me over, please.
Wall Street Cyclist- A rare breed, but they exist. Patrick Bateman with his pant leg rolled up and a helmet on.
Kevin Bacon in QuicksilverCyclist- The only good cyclist there is.