Clit Measuring Contest

Two whores compete for a prospective mate

What is the female equivalent of a dick measuring contest? You know, that special brand of alpha male chest thumping that prompts a snide, “Why don’t you just whip it out and measure it?” from the ladies. (To be fair, we know there is a part of you that likes it when men get aggro. It is ingrained in your biology.)

Should the term be breast related? Big titty bitches do tend to look down on women with smaller chests. But the jokes on them, because no matter how good they look reigned in with a titanium-laced push up bra, them shits become an unruly mess when unleashed. I know how to shop for fruit. Give me some nice, firm pears- you can keep your over-ripe melons.

Sure, they look good now, but what happens when you get her top off?

How about “clit measuring contest?” The clit is the female analog of the penis, after all. If a woman wants to deride another woman’s femininity, she could be all, “Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you, pencil clit!” That would be hysterical! Although, in this case, the likening of a sexual organ to a writing utensil might be a compliment as opposed to an insult. Ditto for the term “tuna can clit.”

Of course, that’s assuming size matters in this contest. Claiming you have the world’s largest clit might be counterproductive to asserting one’s femininity. I don’t think women are going to boast about having what is essentially a tiny penis. It didn’t help Chyna’s career (Not Safe For- BLAAAAAAARG! There goes my lunch. What is she, a hyena? It’s like staring Droopy Dog in the face.)

That ain't no penis. Chyna got nothin' on me!

I suppose if women don’t want it, the term could be useful in the prevention of cat fights.  Any time two angry females are about to throw down, you could interject, “What is this, a clit measuring contest?” At this point, one of two things will happen. A- it will diffuse the situation, leaving everyone involved feeling pretty awkward, or B- it will result in some hardcore competitive nub rubbin’! It’s hard to say which.

You know what? This post makes me mad.