Fuck Trek VI: The Undiscovered Cuntry
Congratulations, you’ve successfully sucked your own dick, but you have a voracious sexual appetite and are hungry for more. You’re low on cash and don’t have access to a consenting female. What’s the only uncharted masturbatory territory left for a sexual Lewis and Clark like yourself to explore? Grab some lube and your Sacagaweas, because it’s time to embark upon a literal execution of the metaphorical self fuck.
Last time I checked, cloning was still illegal, so you’ll have to cross fucking your doppleganger off your list. You could do like THIS GUY, and make a Plaster Caster mold of your cock so an ex-girlfriend can fuck you with it (let’s see you write a song about that, KISS!), but that’s not really fucking yourself. The dick needs to be flesh and blood, and it needs to be attached to YOU.
No, the only conceivable way of literally fucking yourself is to enlist the help of your friendly neighborhood Wishmaster. The Wishmaster is a benevolent djinn who rides around on a sleigh and grants wishes to all the good little boys and girls. Or something like that. He might also want to unleash his unholy minions so hell can reign on earth. I’m not good with details.
But if poking your own pooper-shooter is that important to you, and you don’t care about the fate of the rest of humanity, this is definitely the way to go. Don’t believe in Wishmasters? Check out the documentary footage below. (Embedding disabled! Fucking youtube can go fuck itself!)
The clip starts out with an hilarious quote-
Check it out, I’m getting it on with my sister, next thing I know, the bitch drops a fucking dime on me- attempted rape.
-but skip to the 2:30 mark to see Wishy make dreams come true.
Or, if you really hate your eyes, you could just click this horrifying, extremely NSFW link HERE, which totally takes the romanticism out of the idea of fucking yourself.