These fantasy females put the “titty” in “identity parade.”
Round up the usual suspects! It’s time for horny nerds everywhere to identify the object of their erotic obsession.
Don’t worry, sir, you can see them but they can’t see you. Which one of these lovely ladies has been robbing your spank bank? Was it the smooth, hairless* elf princess? Or was it hirsute hottie Khloe Kardashian, with her leg stubble and happy trail? (Did she take you by force? She has been known to rape before.) What about the firery gnome lady? They are considered the Latinas of Middle Earth, and you strike me as a bit of a taco shark. No? From the looks of things, she might already be pregnant with your child. Surely it wasn’t the human woman on the left- she’s just there for reference.
*I know what you’re thinking, but elves didn’t invent the Brazilian wax. It’s an evolutionary adaptation to contend with the fact that most male elves prefer their fannies** to look like a young boy’s ass.)
** Elves speak The Queen’s English, and adhere to the British definition of the word “fanny.”
Alright, miss, which one of these bastards pulled a B&E on your fantasy time? Try and concentrate on distinguishing features. Was he wearing a turtleneck? I’d like to point out that only the half-orc male is circumcised. Orcs are like the Jews of role playing games. The rest of the suspects are all uncut savages. Did he have a feminine touch? Were his locks silky soft and his ball bag completely smooth? Then maybe it was the elf dandy. Either that or it was one of the Nelson Twins. Let me ask you this- do you have an Electra complex or a Santa Claus fetish? Did you feel his beard scratching your breasts like a push broom when he kissed you? If so, then it was probably Gimli over there. Please, ma’am, we can only hold them for 24 hours. No, you can’t choose them all. What do you mean, you want them to join your “guild”?