Four men enter, one man leaves. Who will emerge victorious?
George Jefferson- Wait a minute, did the Jeffersons even have kids? I vaguely remember them adopting a little blond-haired, blue-eyed child in a later season, but I could be mistaken. I would hate to see George eliminated on a technicality, because he’s probably the most badass father of the bunch. He had an amazing ferocity to him that was fueled by his hatred of whitey.
Lionel Jefferson! That was the name of his son. George had such a hands-off approach to child-rearing, he hardly seemed a father at all. Plus, Lionel was played by like three different actors over the years, so it was hard to keep track of him.
Bill Cosby- Don’t be fooled by his senile old man act- this squirrely bastard is a formidable foe. He’ll confuse challengers with one of his multi-colored sweaters and then use his epileptic dance moves to evade their attacks. Bibbity bop! Then he’ll tell them what poor fathers they are and that they are failures as black men and Carl Winslow will probably cry.
Carl Winslow- He’s a cop, so he’s got corruption on his side. Plus, he’s packing heat. It’s too bad he was such a pussy, always kowtowing to his domineering wife and fucking around with that bitch, Urkel. He was a decent father though, so maybe he can team up with Bill against the tougher dads before The Cos lays the socially conscious smackdown on them all.
Uncle Phil- Yes, I know this is about dads, but that was his name- Uncle Phil. This mountain of a man is the most physically imposing of the group and could give George Jefferson a run for his surly. Plus, he’s a lawyer, so if by some chance they beat him in a fight, he can sue the shit out of them. Then Carlton will dance and everything will be okay.
And the winner is…
America, because for those of us who didn’t have our own, these black dads have been coming into our homes via the TV for as long as we can remember, enriching our lives with their wit and wisdom, helping us to become men. Happy Black Father’s Day, everyone!