Category Archives: African American

Battle of the Black Dads

Posted on May 27, 2011 | 3 Comments

Black Dads

Four men enter, one man leaves. Who will emerge victorious?

George Jefferson- Wait a minute, did the Jeffersons even have kids? I vaguely remember them adopting a little blond-haired, blue-eyed child in a later season, but I could be mistaken. I would hate to see George eliminated on a technicality, because he’s probably the most badass father of the bunch. He had an amazing ferocity to him that was fueled by his hatred of whitey.

Lionel Jefferson! That was the name of his son. George had such a hands-off approach to child-rearing, he hardly seemed a father at all. Plus, Lionel was played by like three different actors over the years, so it was hard to keep track of him.

Bill Cosby- Don’t be fooled by his senile old man act- this squirrely bastard is a formidable foe. He’ll confuse challengers with one of his multi-colored sweaters and then use his epileptic dance moves to evade their attacks. Bibbity bop! Then he’ll tell them what poor fathers they are and that they are failures as black men and Carl Winslow will probably cry.

Carl Winslow- He’s a cop, so he’s got corruption on his side. Plus, he’s packing heat. It’s too bad he was such a pussy, always kowtowing to his domineering wife and fucking around with that bitch, Urkel. He was a decent father though, so maybe he can team up with Bill against the tougher dads before The Cos lays the socially conscious smackdown on them all.

Uncle Phil- Yes, I know this is about dads, but that was his name- Uncle Phil. This mountain of a man is the most physically imposing of the group and could give George Jefferson a run for his surly. Plus, he’s a lawyer, so if by some chance they beat him in a fight, he can sue the shit out of them. Then Carlton will dance and everything will be okay.

And the winner is…

America, because for those of us who didn’t have our own, these black dads have been coming into our homes via the TV for as long as we can remember, enriching our lives with their wit and wisdom, helping us to become men. Happy Black Father’s Day, everyone!

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Posted in African American, Music, Television

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Will Smith Cast As Lead In Tarantino’s Django Unchained? Aw, Hell No!

Posted on May 7, 2011 | 3 Comments

Will Smith Mandingo

Now I know Big Willie and Rocky Dennis get a lot of shit around here (and here and here and here,) but this is just too much. I was all sorts of pumped for Tarantino’s upcoming Blaxploitation “southern,” Django Unchained, but now I’m all sorts of bummed. Multiple sources (but I’ll cite Twitchfilm, because while you’re over there you can check out some of my REVIEWS) are reporting that the Fresh Prince himself is at the top of Curly Q’s list to play a former slave out for revenge.

Mandingo cock feel

Sometimes I feel like Tarantino is a victim of his own hype. Yes, he writes great dialog, but that doesn’t mean he can make a wordy conversation about falling into a ditch interesting. Yes, he has an eye for casting, but fuck a duck, that doesn’t make Eli Roth’s cringe-inducing performance in Inglourious Basterds any better. And while Travolta’s performance in Pulp Fiction was fine, Tarantino still has to answer for everything the man has done since. That’s right, Tarantino, Wild Hogs was your fault!

Because as good as he supposedly is with actors, Tarantino has a tendency to let them run wild and play things broad. Is he gonna coax a great performance out of Smith, like he did with Robert Forster in Jackie Brown? Or is he gonna give us another Lieutenant Ham-bone Raine? The material doesn’t exactly scream “subtle,” which is why I have my doubts. Only time will tell, I guess.

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Posted in African American, Blaxploitation, Celebrity Shit Heads, Film

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Halle Berry To Star In Remake of “My Baby Is Black!”

Posted on February 8, 2011 | 2 Comments
My Baby Is Black

Best Tagline Ever

via TMZ:

Halle Berry says it point blank … her daughter is Black — a direct message to her ex Gabriel Aubry who, according to sources, “went nuts” anytime someone called Nahla Black.

This kid’s not gonna need therapy.

They say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice, but isn’t Halle Berry half white? Not only that, the child’s father is white, so technically that kid is only 1/4 black. That’s why Catwoman is breaking out the ole one drop race rule, which, if I’m not mistaken, was actually used as a form of social oppression back in the day. I guess she’s taking it back.

If that doesn’t work, there’s always the old Jewish way of thinking- that if your mother’s vagina was Jewish, you are automatically a Jew. That way the kid can spend its entire life trying to escape the gaping maw of its mother’s womb.

But why limit this poor child, forcing it to be either white or black? Everyone knows that half-breeds get all the attention. Look at Vin Diesel. There’s a completely untalented person with the best of both worlds. Who cares what the fuck he is? He’s making an ass-bucket of money. I’d worry less about this kid’s race and more about the fact that its father is named after a member of The Pussycat Dolls.

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Posted in African American, Celebrity Shit Heads, Film, Pregnancy, Race Relations, Sociology

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February Is Black Metal History Month

Posted on February 6, 2011 | 3 Comments

Black Metal History Month

Finally, something for white people to celebrate. Those headbangers over at Metal Injection have declared February Black Metal History Month, and will be posting related material throughout. To celebrate, I present my own musings on the art, posted way back in April ’07.

NONE MORE BLACK

Ghaal - crucified boy

What the fuck you say about me, jabber?

In said article, I insensitively refer to Slipknot as a bunch of “Kiss jocking homos,” which is a horrible thing to say, I know, because no one deserves to be compared to Corey Taylor. The irony of the whole thing is that Gaahl, the bad-ass motherfucker I was branding as the antithesis of all that, turned out to actually be gay. And we’re not talking fuck-a-burly-lumberjack-in-the-woods-cause-I’m-bored kind of gay. We’re talking my-boyfriend-is-a-clothing-designer-and-we-are-going-to-launch-a-clothing-line-for-women gay.

Gaahl is gay

Gaahl and his schnookumz

Still, it doesn’t diminish how downright terrifying the man is. This is a guy who tied up and tortured a trespasser for six hours, forcing the man to drink his own blood. So I guess what I’m trying to say here is, Gaahl, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Please don’t show up at my house in the middle of the night and pull my lungs out through my asshole and strangle me with them. It was all a big misunderstanding. Happy Black Metal History Month.

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Posted in African American, Black Metal, Fashion, Gaahl, Gay and Lesbian, Music, Sexuality

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Martin Luther King Jr. Wants To Know, “Where The White Women At?”

Posted on January 18, 2011 | 1 Comment

Where the white women at, MLK?

Martin Luther King Jr. was a whore-beating, speech plagiarizing sonofabitch with a secret identity and ties to the communist party- at least according to an anonymous email circulated back in 2003. Surprised? Don’t be. You know your racist white granny sent you that shit dozens of times before she moved on to the one about Barack Obama being the Antichrist.

According to the mythbusters over at Snopes, the info in that email runs the gamut from malicious half-truth to full-on fabrication. Personally, I’m a little disappointed MLK didn’t use church money to have drunken sex parties with white hookers. It would have made him so much more relatable. At least we know he liked to get his extra-marital bang on, as corroborated by the private audio tapes of J. Edgar Hoover. Listening to alleged communists have sex is what got that kinky audio voyeur OFF!

This may seem like a strange way to celebrate such a great man, but let’s remember, that’s exactly what he was- a man. And like most men, he probably craved strange like Ted Nugent on speed. I can see him now, frothing at the mouth, screaming “Wango Tango!” and shaking his dick at anything in a skirt. Ted Nugent, that is, not MLK. I suspect The King had more of a Barry White vibe. The point is, you’ve got to humanize your heroes, people, not deify them. They’re just like you and me. Unlike celebrities, who are better than us all.

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Posted in African American, History, Race Relations, Sexuality, Sociology

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