Little did I know, as a young man playing Super Mario Bros. 3, that there was a rich history of folklore associated with the Tanooki [sic] suit featured in the game. If only I could go back in time to inform twelve year old me that said folklore involved giant, shape-shifting testicles- I’m sure the information would be put to good use.
(click the pictures for more pictures)
The idea of the Tanuki as a big-balled mischief maker is so old, it predates the King James Bible by hundreds of years. Take that, Jeebus! Because unlike the exploits of a certain purported messiah, the veracity of the Tanuki’s testicular endowment is based on real life. The raccoon dog has long been admired for having a comically disproportionate scrotum, and this has had a profound effect on Japan’s popular culture.
It is a full frontal sack attack- from 19th century woodblock prints to children’s cartoons to advertisements to breakfast cereals. There is even a nursery rhyme about them:
Tan-tan-tanuki’s testicles,
there isn’t even any wind
but they still go swing-swing-swing
No Mary Had A Little Lamb for Japanese school children, they’re straight singin’ about raccoon nuts!
While primarily used in a humorous context, there have been several reported cases of the fetishising of these furry little creatures and their big, furry balls. It goes without saying that perverts should proceed with caution. Because although they appear to be cute and cuddly, Tanukis are still wild animals. The woman in the illustration below may look to be on the brink of transcendental ecstasy, but in actuality she is in for the tit-scratching of a lifetime. If those wounds were to get infected, they could lead to frothing at the teat and breast-rabies.
Someone has taken their love of Tanuki balls a little too far.
Tanuki lover may seem poised to succeed crazy cat lady as the lifestyle of choice for lonely spinsters, but best to keep that relationship platonic. That way, you won’t get your heart broken or your breast meat tore up. And if you’re a dude, you won’t get your dick bit.
