Category Archives: Books

Cum For Bigfoot

Cum For Bigfoot

I lay snuggled next to Bigfoot, whose name was Leonard.

That is the actual opening line from Cum For Bigfoot 2, an erotic eBook by Virginia Wade. According to the Amazon description, it is a story that contains: oral sex, anal sex, double penetration, rimming, spanking, penetration with a large object, threesomes, and an orgy. The fact that they all involve a Bigfoot or BigFeet is implied. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

About a month ago, I wrote a post about a post I wrote for LitReactor on The Wild West World of eBook Only Erotica. A year or so prior to that, I had written a post entitled Bigfoot: Super Rapist. Little did I know at the time that the two went hand in hairy hand.

Virginia-Wade-Medley

The versatility of Virginia Wade, author.

The fact that a sequel exists means that the first installment of Cum For Bigfoot must have been popular enough to warrant one. Hell, it must have been reeeeeally popular, because Virginia has also written a threequel, published February the 1st. Check out this amusing synopsis:

The Bigfoot saga continues with Porsche, Shelly, and Leslie’s abduction by a horny tribe of apes. In the third installment of the Monster Sex Series, Porsche and Shelly find themselves no closer to rescue, although relationships are forming between the apes and their captive fuck-bunnies. And, what’s not to love about an eight foot walking carpet with a huge penis? Could it be that Porsche is falling in love with her ape, Leonard? Will rescue finally cum for the girls or are they destined to have wild, hot, monster sex in the forest for all eternity?

So, I guess Bigfoot rape fantasies are a thing? Ladies, is this true? Couldn’t you just marry a Greek guy? In any event, it just proves the age-old adage: It isn’t rape if she enjoys it. Even if it’s by a hairy Neanderthal. Right, Greg Kelly?

Greg-Kelly-Bigfoot

Wild, hot, monster sex.

And if Big Foot rape isn’t your thing, don’t worry, Virginia’s got you covered. You can also be raped by Frankenstein or The Invisible Man. It’s all about options.

The Lactating Step Daughter And Other eRotic Tales

Lactating Step Daughter

Does a body good.

We all know the internet’s a strange place. Hell, I’m a major contributor. But it’s only strange because the world is strange- we just never had such unprecedented access before. In my day, you’d actually have to go to the library and dig around in these things called “books” to sate your curiosity for the curious. How do you think I learned about the Aves and the Apis? The encyclopedia and my mother’s romance novels, that’s how. Thanks, mom.

Speaking of books and the internet and romance, have you checked out the eBook eRotica scene lately? It’s like the wild west out there, if cacti and dirt were incest fantasies and Lolita fetishes. (Strangely enough, both the west and eRotica contain a plethora of steers and queers. Brokeback Borracho!)

Intrigued? Titilated? Looking to make a quick buck? Then check out my article on The Wild West World of eBook Only Erotica over at my writing day job, LitReactor:

We’re not talking Lady Chatterley’s Lover or The Story of O, here. Hell, we’re not even talking the bodice-ripping pirate rape of your mother’s Harlequin Romance. This is unabashed, down and dirty fuck fiction, made specifically to put money in pockets and a rocket in yours.

eBook eRotica Covers

I even try my hand at writing my own eRotic story, although what I wound up with was certainly less pornographic than Fresh Teen Sluts: Bath Time With Daddy or Little Virgin Sister’s Webcam Show. I went a little more… classical. I guess that’s the influence of my mother’s romance novels.  An excerpt, submitted for your one-handed approval:

The undergrowth of her undercarriage shimmered with the sheen of her musk. Glistening liquid orbs trickled down the shaft of her pubic fronds, breaking up into even smaller droplets, ejected in an arc like seed as they met the pliant flesh of her quivering pussy cheeks. These satellite droplets fell like tears, splashing off the porcelain cliffs of her inner thighs, and ran down in rivulets to fill the basin of her cleft like some geological formation at the dawn of time.

“Be gentle, Sir Knight. It is my first time.”

She didn’t say it- she breathed it. The plea tumbled out in a whisper, the word “time” barely avoiding being sucked back in on a sharp intake of air as a finger dipped into her honey-pot.

“That makes this a first for me as well,” The Knight cooed like an over-confident pigeon. “For I have only known the hospitality of a lady by force.”

Her body stiffened, eliciting a smile.

“But you are different, my lady. You are the first I have wanted to give of herself… willingly.”

He hovered over her body, the proof of his words bouncing like a diving board moments after its athlete has gracefully floated towards the watery depths.

“My warrior is yours to command.”

Click on over to LitReactor to find out what happens next. I’ll give you a hint: it involves blue balls and Spike Lee references.

Fantasy Author Piers Anthony Might Be A Pedophile

Piers-Anthony-Pedo

Either that or he desperately wants to be. Check out this article I wrote over at LitReactor for the evidence. It carries the Pedo Bear seal of approval.

When I was but a lad, I used to love me some Piers Anthony. The delicious puns of the Xanth series, the themes of science versus religion in The Apprentice Adept, the humorous take on humanity that was The Incarnations of Immortality- it was pure nerd heaven. I would eventually go on to outgrow his work, but not before I had devoured everything the man had written at the time. This included his lesser known efforts, not all of which were as kid-friendly as the Xanth novels. Which is how I came to read Firefly.

And if you ever come across Firefly, I suggest you run screaming in the opposite direction. And if you cum across Firefly, then you are a sick fuck. Seriously, this article is not for those with a sensitive constitution, or those teetering on the edge of sexual decency. Enjoy (but not too much).

Slutdate

LitReactor

Longtime, Sunshine/Sondheim/Sonatine.

I know, I know… I’ve been spending all my time with that time-burgling slut-mistress, LitReactor.  I think Mrs. Jabber is starting to get suspicious. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this business trip/golf tournament/hunting weekend ruse.

But I’ve been doing great things over at ye olde reactor of lit, and I gotta tell someone about all the hot, dirty sex I’ve been having with someone who isn’t my wife. You want details, you horndogs?

-I wrote a couple columns about the Top 10 Literary Jerks of all time. It contains enough racism, sex, and violence to sate most of my regular irregular blog readers.

-I interviewed cult provocateur Dennis Cooper, author of the George Miles Cycle. If that sounds too highbrow for you, bear in mind that he writes almost exclusively about gay sociopaths, gay cannibalistic serial killers, gay rape and incest, and gay necrophilia.

-I also wrote an update on/conducted a mini-interview with MIA sci-fi author Jeff Noon. If that sounds too highbrow for you, bear in mind that his debut novel, Vurt, contains its fair share of hallucinogenic drug use, brother/sister incest, and Dogman sex.

-I also oversaw some controversial news posts that saw us being accused of sexism, racism, and fostering a literary male hegemony.

So don’t be fooled by LitReactor’s academic trappings, dear minions, we’re having a lot of fun over there. It allows me to indulge my love of all things literary, and still manage to flex my patented brand of flippant verbosity. So just like Bartles and Jaymes, I thank you for your support.

And just in case this post isn’t dirty enough to attract the usual amount of search engine traffic, I’ll be tagging it: UNDERAGE NUDITY, TEENAGE PUSSY, BESTIALITY, NAMBLA, HOT GAY SEX, and HOW TO SUCK YOUR OWN DICK.

Stay tuned, because the wife is expecting me and I’ve got a lot of horrific posts planned for thejabber. I’ll be covering such hot-button topics as homosexual African American astronauts, alien sex toys, underage teen bestiality porn, and much much more.

Cavalcade of Literary Jerks: The Top 10 Jerk Authors of All Time

jerk-shakespeare

Yes, I know it’s been a bit quiet around here. Between Fantastic Fest and the LitReactor launch I’ve been muy busioso. But this isn’t a blog about my personal life, so enough about me! Let’s talk about me! I’ve written a fabulous post over at LitReactor about the top 10 jerk authors of all time. I know most of the people who read this blog are barely literate, but chances are your favorite author is on the list. Go check it out.

Via LitReactor:

Hero worship is a dangerous proposition, especially in literature. Writers are a notoriously temperamental bunch, and few are suited to a Brad Pitt level of public scrutiny. By putting your favorite author on a pedestal, you are setting yourself up for disappointment should you ever choose to peer behind the curtain. This is especially true in our futuristic computer world. The majority of my research for Cavalcade consisted of me Googling “[author's name] is a jerk.” The zeroes and ones did the rest. Used to be in the old days you had to have an altercation with a celebrity on the street to get a bad impression of them. Now it’s as easy as tapping a few keys.

Procrastination = Death

LitReactor

Check out this nifty little video we shot to promote the upcoming LitReactor launch. It’s called Procrastination, and deals with a subject I’m sure most writers are familiar with. Procrastination. It features a winning performance by veteran thespian Brian James, as well as a healthy dose of the internet’s favorite thing- cat antics! It used to contain an hilarious masturbation scene (it’s no secret that masturbation is the greatest time burglar of all), but we trimmed it in the interest of mass appeal. Still, it’s worthy of your attention. You watch now!

And while you’re over there, don’t forget to sign our mailing list to receive your free PDF of exclusive writing advice from authors such as Chuck Palahniuk, Steve Erickson, Bret Easton Ellis, Craig Clevenger, Neil Gaiman, and Jack Ketchum. The internet is already abuzz with its praise.

Angelina Jolie Has Taken Her Love of Sarah Jessica Parker A Little Too Far

Jolie-Horse-4

Wilb-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bur!

Move over Bo Derek, there’s a new queen of equine eros in town- is what I’d be saying if this were the year 2001. Unfortunately, I’m a little late to the Godiva game on this, so we’ll have to play with the space-time continuum a bit. Just like 1984 came and went without fulfilling Orwell’s dystopian predictions to a tee, there was no way Kubrick and Clarke could have foresaw this aberrant agape in their futuristic vision. 9 cinematic years later, in 2010, the crew of the Leonov and Peter Hyman spoiled the mystery of the first film by revealing the nonsensical hippie message of the imposing monolith- peace and love (a message that would later be recycled in Jim Cameron’s abysmal The Abyss). If we knew back then (2001) what we know right now (2010), we wouldn’t be the King of the Ladies, we’d extend that message of love beyond the Ruskies to the animal kingdom and start fucking horses.

Because what the monolith knew that we earthlings did not, is that the physical act of love between humans and horsemanity is as old as time itself. Hence all the centaur fossils found by Indiana Jones and Sean Connery over the years. Creationists believe centaurs were created by God and coexisted with Adam and Eve and the dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden, but science knows the sexy truth. It is high time we got back to our rutting roots, when “taking a trip to the glue factory” meant something entirely different than it does now.

Angelina Jolie Horse

Sex and the Country

There’s A New Literary Sheriff In Town

LitReactorI know most of the freaky weirdos that visit this blog don’t come here for my witty brand of irreverent humor. Don’t lie, I’ve seen the search engine stats. You’re into bizarre shit, I write about bizarre shit. Google does the rest. Chances are you discovered thejabber while searching some horrible combination of fetishes that by all rights should have the FBI beating down your door.

But maybe- just maybe- some of  you are more than the sum of your kink. Maybe some of you are writers. Writers looking to hone their craft. Or maybe you’re a book nerd, looking for a place to geek out. If so, allow me to present my latest writing venture- it’s called LitReactor.

LitReactor is a new website from the team behind ChuckPalahniuk.net, and will be devoted to the craft of writing and all things literary. We will be hosting a groundbreaking writer’s workshop; monthly classes taught by published authors and industry professionals; as well as an online magazine devoted to news, reviews, interviews, and articles.

The site goes live October 1st, but if you sign up for our mailing list now, you will receive a free compendium of exclusive writing advice from authors such as Chuck Palahniuk, Steve Erickson, Bret Easton Ellis, Craig Clevenger, Neil Gaiman, and Jack Ketchum. So head on over, and while you’re there, like and follow all the requisite social networking affiliates, which will feature supplementary material, not just content recycled from the website.

We’ve got a ton of great things planned, and look forward to sharing it with you all. And for those of you addicted to the flippancy of thejabber, don’t worry, we’ll still be churning out offensive material to clog the tubes of the internet like so many toilets.

Bunny Cunni

Bunny Cunni

Or, 19th Century Women Have Taken Their Love of Rabbits A Little Too Far.

Or, Films I Haven’t Seen That Contain Rabbit On Woman Sex That A Malaysian With Bad Grammar Is More Qualified To Review Than I.

So I’ll let him take it away. Via L2 Movies Talk, your new favorite movie review site:

From the ever erotica director, Walerian Borowczyk, a very good film of showing the immoral women behaviour in 3 parts of different short stories. Kinda love it except the 3rd story Marie. I preferred the 1st one which show how bad a woman can be when they wanted to. Wow, i m gonna find Borowczyk’s production :)

Immoral-Women-Cover

2nd woman – Marceline
Marceline is young and slut, she has a rabbit name Pinky. She always play with her rabbit and let it tickle her pussy. She ignore her parents and her parents get angry and cook her rabbit and force her to eat it. Marceline get angry and ran away, she ran to Petrus the black butcher and seduce him. Petrus rape Marceline in the barn and discovered she’s a virgin. He thought Marceline was dead and hang himself in the barn, but later on discover Marceline was not dead and ask for help. Marceline did not help and left him hang to dead, she then take away Petrus’ knife and slash her parents throat while they are sleeping.

water-dancer-rabbit-vibrator

Wow, never come between a girl and her rabbit. We here in the future have learned that lesson well and now encourage Lepine lovin’ (see above pic of bunny and “water dancer”). I guess young Marceline didn’t believe in reciprocating, because although she enjoyed when her bunny ate her, she didn’t enjoy eating her bunny.

On a tenuously related note, you know who else was a water dancer?

Arya Water Dancer

You’re all going to hell.

How Come No One Is Upset This Award Winning Canadian Poet Was Killed In A Car Crash?

Robert Kroetsch

Via some Canadian E-rag:

Robert Kroetsch, a renowned poet, novelist, editor and professor, was killed in a car collision Tuesday night while returning from the ArtsPeak Festival, a weekend poetry fest in Canmore.

I mean, I don’t think “millions of people are crying right now,” or getting tattoos emblazoned with the word “hero” or anything. He never shoved a toy car up his ass, so I certainly don’t know who the fuck he is. Is it too early to assume he was drunk off his rocker? He is a novelist, after all. Has Roger Ebert weighed in?

Can we at least assume he was waaaaaaay too old to be behind the wheel? At almost 84, it wouldn’t be an erroneous assumption. Plus, he was being treated for Parkinson’s disease, which, as we all know, affects the motor skills of motorists. Five other people were injured in the crash, one critically. Should the elderly author be blamed? Why are more people not talking about this?!?!