Brett and Brandi Favre were tighter than your average brother and sister. In fact, you could say that they were tighter than Heidi the cross-eyed opossum’s ah-noose. This was something that always worried their poor mother, but Papa Favre was of the opinion that it was better to keep it in the family.
Whilst perusing their horoscopes one day, they were shocked to find the inclusion of a new astrological sign called Ophiuchus. “That’s bullshit,” said Brett. He immediately called his friend Skeet Ulrich, who was having a hard time getting work and spent most of his day on the internet. He told Brett that not since he was a young pledge at Delta Sigma Theta and was made to dress up like Trudy Styler and read The Catcher in the Rye out loud while a frat brother violated him dressed as Peter Fonda from Easy Rider had he been so disturbed.
Meanwhile, across town, Michelle Bombshell McGee was engaged in a threesome with Rooney Mara and Ted Williams. President Obama’s Tuscon speech was on in the background, which spooked Williams. He made the excuse that he was late for rehab and got the hell out of there. The mood was killed so the ladies decided to pick up Pat Shurmur and catch the NAMM show instead. But because of all the WPXI school closings the kids were out in full force and show attendance was already at capacity. The End.
Oh, yeah- Sparkfun, Mount Etna and Gucci Mane ice cream tattoo, too. Andrew Garfield Spiderman costume. Suckers.
Posted in Current Events, In The News
Tagged Bombshell McGee, Brandi Favre, Brett Favre, Catcher in the Rye, Delta Sigma Theta, Gucci Mane, Heidi the Cross Eyed Opossum, Mount Etna, NAMM, Ophiuchus, Pat Shurmur, Peter Fonda, President Obama, Rooney Mara, School Closing, Skeet Ulrich, Sparkfun, Tattoos, Ted Williams, Tuscon, WPXI
And we’re not talking indirectly responsible because she featured a map using gun sights to “target” incumbent democratic congressional seats up for re-election (including one occupied by Giffords.) We’re talking Taxi Driver watching, Catcher in the Rye reading, ordered by the demon possessed dog next door, Manson gang meets Manchurian Candidate style responsible.
Check her house, she’s probably got pictures of Jodie Foster plastered all over the walls, covered in hearts smeared out of her own feces. She’s probably got a gang of hippie Republicans living out in the Alaskan tundra, having orgies and taking LSD while they wait to do the master’s bidding. It’s only a matter of time before a cadre of camouflaged hillbillies descend upon the Capitol armed with elephant guns, dripping Skoal juice.
You see what happens, Larry? This is what happens when you foolishly combine militaristic rhetoric with impressionable, uneducated simpletons. Politically motivated murder-spree. The end.
Posted in Current Events, Politics
Tagged Charles Manson, David Berkowitz, Gabrielle Giffords, J.D. Salinger, John Hinckley Jr., Manchurian Candidate, PAC, Sarah Palin, Shooting, Son of Sam, Taxi Driver
All the world’s a stage, but Hollywood, specifically, is some bizarre mutation of The Truman Show where the players are aware they are putting on a show while the observers are not. I postulate this- Hollywood life is entertainment. And I’m not just talking about reality TV. It should be obvious to any idiot with half a monkey-brain that that shit is a put-on. No, I’m talking about the day-to-day lives of so-called “celebrities” and socialites. Why make a movie when your life is a movie?
Take, for instance, the recent exploits of Lindsay Blohan and Mel “raped by a pack of n*ggers” Gibson. You can’t make that shit up. People can’t be that stupid. (Can they?) Hasn’t it ever occurred to anyone that this might be one gigantic stage play? They’re all in on it. The celebs, TMZ, the courts, the police- every one of them a professional actor. Hollywood is a postmodernist construct, providing vicarious next-level thrills in a world of cinematic decline. The only way to deliver pseudo-realism on such a grand scale is to substitute life as medium. It’s basically the real life version of Synecdoche, New York.
Not to get too topical, but the current Lohan court drama is so histrionic it borders on satire. She tweets about U.N. policy on torture, compares herself to an Iranian woman stoned for adultery, writes fuck U on her fingernail then displays it in court, calls the judge a fucking bitch, cries to her friends about how she’s not going to jail, drives her lawyer to quit- how could it not be scripted?
Then there’s good ole’ Mel, AKA SuperRacist. I won’t run down the list of quotes (you can find them HERE), but suffice to say a line as brilliant as, I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first, had to be written by a talent the caliber of a Mamet or a Tarantino. It’s misogyny as pure poetry.
No Foot Big Enough
If Hollywood is Truman, who is the Christof character in this situation? It can’t be Harvey Levin, that’s too obvious. There is probably some god-like executive in the sky who only communicates through a sightless intercessor pulling the strings. Like The Architect in The Matrix Reloaded, only less annoying, or The Great and Powerful Oz. It’s the only explanation. Otherwise, existence is just a dream within a dream inside a retarded dog’s head.
Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Current Events, Entertainment, Film, Racism
Tagged Hollywood, Jim Carrey, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Peter Weir, Postmodernism, Super Racist, Synecdoche New York, The Matrix, The Truman Show, TMZ, Wizard of Oz
Not to be outdone by Michael Jackson, DJ AM’s death has been ruled a homicide. The culprit? Look closely, the killer is right in front of your eyes:
That’s right, it’s YOU- the womens of the world. (I had to put a wig and tits on the mirror, because the joke doesn’t really work if you’re a dude.) You take and you take and when you are through you discard us like a used tissue. AM’s ex, Hayley Wood, callously dumped his ass, prompting a downward spiral of hookers and blow, but now she’s all “DJ was the greatest person that ever lived, I will miss him dearly.” I guess the greatest person in the world wasn’t good enough for you, bitch, because YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH HIM!
Same goes for Mandy Moore. Expect a tearful eulogy from Nicole Richie any minute as well.
Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Current Events, Drugs, Topical
Tagged DJ AM, DJ AM's Murderer, Hayley Wood, Homicide, Mandy Moore, Michael Jackson, Mirror with Breasts, Nicole Richie, Soul Murderers