And she is about her father’s business. Following in the footsteps of her parents, Willow Smith pops a squat and unleashes this steaming turd on the chest of humanity. Devo are rolling in their graves, although I wouldn’t be surprised if those graves are filled with Will Smith’s money, as he continues to buy his talentless offspring fame. “What do you want for your Birthday this year, honey? A singing career? Done. I haven’t donated all our money to Scientology yet.”
It’s nice to see black people co-opting white people’s shit for a change, but haven’t we been down this road? Remember Wicked Wisdom, Jada Pinkett’s short lived metal band? I know we all tried to forget, but let’s take a walk down memory lane, shall we?
DISCLAIMER: Thejamminjabber is not responsible for death by douche chills.
And speaking of buying careers, I know you’re all wondering what’s going on with little Karate Kid Jaden Smith. Turns out, M. Night Shyamalan still had a vestige of a soul, because he just sold it to Will Smith. This is what happens when turds collide: Night will be developing One Thousand AE as a starring vehicle for the young set of ears. Lovers of train wrecks everywhere just got disaster boners.
I'm the money, he's the puppet
Posted in Entertainment, Film, Music
Tagged Jada Pnkett, Jaden Smith, M. Night Shyamalan, One Thousand AE, Overbrook Entertainment, Scientology, The Fresh Prince, The Karate Kid, Whip My Hair, Wicked Wisdom, Will Smith, Willow Smith
All the world’s a stage, but Hollywood, specifically, is some bizarre mutation of The Truman Show where the players are aware they are putting on a show while the observers are not. I postulate this- Hollywood life is entertainment. And I’m not just talking about reality TV. It should be obvious to any idiot with half a monkey-brain that that shit is a put-on. No, I’m talking about the day-to-day lives of so-called “celebrities” and socialites. Why make a movie when your life is a movie?
Take, for instance, the recent exploits of Lindsay Blohan and Mel “raped by a pack of n*ggers” Gibson. You can’t make that shit up. People can’t be that stupid. (Can they?) Hasn’t it ever occurred to anyone that this might be one gigantic stage play? They’re all in on it. The celebs, TMZ, the courts, the police- every one of them a professional actor. Hollywood is a postmodernist construct, providing vicarious next-level thrills in a world of cinematic decline. The only way to deliver pseudo-realism on such a grand scale is to substitute life as medium. It’s basically the real life version of Synecdoche, New York.
Not to get too topical, but the current Lohan court drama is so histrionic it borders on satire. She tweets about U.N. policy on torture, compares herself to an Iranian woman stoned for adultery, writes fuck U on her fingernail then displays it in court, calls the judge a fucking bitch, cries to her friends about how she’s not going to jail, drives her lawyer to quit- how could it not be scripted?
Then there’s good ole’ Mel, AKA SuperRacist. I won’t run down the list of quotes (you can find them HERE), but suffice to say a line as brilliant as, I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first, had to be written by a talent the caliber of a Mamet or a Tarantino. It’s misogyny as pure poetry.
No Foot Big Enough
If Hollywood is Truman, who is the Christof character in this situation? It can’t be Harvey Levin, that’s too obvious. There is probably some god-like executive in the sky who only communicates through a sightless intercessor pulling the strings. Like The Architect in The Matrix Reloaded, only less annoying, or The Great and Powerful Oz. It’s the only explanation. Otherwise, existence is just a dream within a dream inside a retarded dog’s head.
Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Current Events, Entertainment, Film, Racism
Tagged Hollywood, Jim Carrey, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Peter Weir, Postmodernism, Super Racist, Synecdoche New York, The Matrix, The Truman Show, TMZ, Wizard of Oz
Excuse me while I scratch my chin...
Courtesy of Rick Mills, the man who brought us Naked Spiderman- whose website is a rabbit hole of stunted Freudian sexuality begging to be analyzed- we proudly present… Captain America’s dick!
That’s right- it’s big and it’s black, and it’s turning the American dream on it’s head and tickling it’s chin. Now that we have a black president, it is an even more appropriate representation of what it means to be a member of this proud nation. Kudos to Tracy Morgan for having the courage to bare it all in these patriotic pics. Click away for the glorious uncensored versions.
But that’s not all! Order now and we’ll throw in Naked Daredevil slow-dancing with a butch lesbian! Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, eat your collective heart out!
Click on me, and you'll wish YOU were blind.
Posted in Comics, Entertainment, Sexuality
Tagged Barack Obama, Ben Affleck, Body Painting, Butch Dykes, Captain America's Dick, Daredevil, Jennifer Garner, Naked Spiderman, Naked Superheroes, Nerd Spank Material, Rick Mills, Ruth Mills, Tracy Morgan, Transvestites
The more active your blog, the more search engine traffic Google sends your way. And here I thought the ranks of delphinics had thinned in my absence, but no, I just hadn’t been writing enough. Since my triumphant return to blogging the inbound search traffic has resumed, and guess what people are searching for? I’ll give you a hint. It begins with a D- and ends with an -olphin sex.
This was the closest thing I could find to a picture of Jesus with a dolphin.
So I was perusing what links people were clicking (with my pants on, I swear) when I came across something interesting. In fact, I can’t believe I missed this the first time around. The now infamous Sex With Dolphins how to, written by Dragon-wolfe Dolphinn (!!!), is hosted on a page maintained by Dave in Phoenix, co-founder of a group called Liberated Christians. Who are these Liberated Christians, you ask? Only the foremost promoters of positive intimacy and sexuality including responsible nonmonogamy or polyamory as a legitimate choice for Christians and others. Not only that, but they are committed to exposing false traditions of sexual repression that have no biblical basis; promoting intimacy and other-centered, loving sexuality (both noble causes) and promoting, it seems, Sybian for maximum G-spot orgasms for women’s pleasure and therapy. Not necessarily in that order. Among many other meaningful articles and a web design circa 1996, you will find links to video of Carmen Electra riding a Sybian on the Howard Stern Show. Praise the Lord!
Posted in Entertainment, Music, Religion, Sexuality
Tagged Axl Rose, Bestiality, Carmen Electra, Delphinic Zoophilia, dolphin sex, Estranged, Guns n' Roses, Howard Stern, Liberated Christians, Sybian
Time to get all postmodern on dat azz. I’ve got a new review of Pynchon’s hippie genre goolash, Inherent Vice, over @ The Cult. Read it and weep. For the sixties.
I’d like to think Pynchon would enjoy this blog, if he ever read it. We’ve got a similar vulgar, borderline juvenile sense of humor. You know dude would totally be intrigued by dolphin sex.
Posted in Books, Criticism, Entertainment, Television
Tagged Chuck Palahniuk, Dirty Hippies, Inherent Vice, Opi, Opinions Are Like Assholes, the 60's, The Cult, The Simpson's, Thomas Pynchon
Young Ralph Macchio shows off his first mustache
I don’t know who the shit Araceli Gonzalez is, but she’s got me pretty conflicted. I was checking out some hot ass pictures of her over at Thighs Wide Shut when BLAMMO! I was assaulted with this hirsute hideousness. I know Latin ladies tend to be a bit on the furry side, but come on. You could at least wax before a photo shoot.
Click the above picture for the full mustachioed mammary mayhem. Chicks dressing as dudes can be hot (mailmen, football players, priests) but I draw the line at facial hair. I think. Let me look at those pictures some more and I’ll get back to you on that.
Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Entertainment, Sexuality
Tagged Araceli Gonzalez Topless, Celebrity Nudes, Chicks with Mustaches, Cross Dressing, Facial Hair, Hairy Chicks, Latin Ladies, Naked Tits, Ralph Macchio, Women Dressed As Men
Photo via The Superficial
Modern trends in technology and fashion have always informed our vision of the future, especially in film. Whether it’s the 60′s inspired psuedo-modernity of 2001 or the dystopian 80′s punk of Bladerunner, the future reflects the present. The same holds true for the upcoming Tron reboot, which forsakes the neon-cyclist look of the original for more of a transsexual trucker theme.
Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Entertainment, Fashion, Film
Tagged Douchebaggery, Mickey Rourke, Plastic Surgery, The Future, the Superficial, The Wrestler, Trannys, Tron 2, Tron Legacy