Is it weird that my mother used to rock out to this song when I was a kid? I came from a strict christian family where I wasn’t allowed to watch anything but Disney movies until I was 16, yet crankin’ this song in the car was no problem. Same goes for “Relax” by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Did she not know the songs were about cutting through the vaginal underbrush with a throbbing flesh machete and some poor jizzlobber’s attempt to hold back while he’s balls deep in a mustachioed leather daddy’s hairy asshole, respectively? Or did she think I was so naive that I wouldn’t make a connection between the undulating rhythms and unsubtle euphemisms (although, Relax, don’t do it, when you want to cum isn’t really a euphemism, now is it?)?
Seeing ones sacred mother sing along to “In The Bush” is even more embarrassing than seeing Nicolas Cage as Donald Kaufman do it in Adaptation, which brought back all sorts of suppressed feelings from my childhood. Thanks, buddy. I had only just gotten past the trauma.
MS Paint Holocaust: Why does this naked chick have a belt on and why does she have a belly button where her vagina should be?
This week I was invited to make a guest appearance on the awesome fun-time homosexual podchat program know as KISSING CONTEST. Yeah, I’d never heard of it either. But it’s not often I’m offered speaking engagements, so I begrudgingly humbly accepted the offer. The popular cast is billed as being about movies, television, and sweet boys, and I was assured its rabid fanbase numbered in the tens. It’s hosted by a couple of sleazy white dudes and their young Asian cohort, and is broadcast at 1.21 gigawatts of power from Sawyer’s love den in the heart of the Brooklyn ghetto.
We mainly talked about horror movies and cracked a bunch of racially insensitive jokes. I was a little concerned about my annoying “on air” voice, but was assured I sounded like a regular TBD (tough black dude), which soothed my ego. Unfortunately, that was filthy a lie. When I actually got a chance to listen the cast, I sounded exactly like the whiny Jew that I am. C’est la vie.
La vie.
Check out Ghoul Chat: Kissing Contest #63 right HERE. Seriously, support these guys. They live in a crack house.
Damn dirty hippies! This is not how you effect political change! It’s bad enough you think bongo circles can heal the world, now you’re literally shitting on authority? Way to make ‘em take you seriously.
I agree with a lot of what they are fighting for, but 99% of the protesting 99% are idiots. Of course, they do not represent the cultural and social diversity that is 100% of the 99% (of which I am a part), but the math gets kind of tricky. I think it would look something like: (X of 99%) of (99% of Y) = Z where Y represents 100%. Or not. Math was never my strong suit. All I know is, the cops got 99 problems and a shit is one. That, and you never saw Martin Luther King Jr. take a shit in public. It’s like Woodstock ’99 down there, just without the rape (thus far.)
Or maybe this guy just really had to take a dump. Hey, politics aside- when you gotta go, you gotta go. Just check out the video below.
WARNING: Video not safe for work, most straight people, and coprophobes.On the other hand, it’s highly recommended for those who thought Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence wasn’t graphic enough.
Move over Bo Derek, there’s a new queen of equine eros in town- is what I’d be saying if this were the year 2001. Unfortunately, I’m a little late to the Godiva game on this, so we’ll have to play with the space-time continuum a bit. Just like 1984 came and went without fulfilling Orwell’s dystopian predictions to a tee, there was no way Kubrick and Clarke could have foresaw this aberrant agape in their futuristic vision. 9 cinematic years later, in 2010, the crew of the Leonov and Peter Hyman spoiled the mystery of the first film by revealing the nonsensical hippie message of the imposing monolith- peace and love (a message that would later be recycled in Jim Cameron’s abysmal The Abyss). If we knew back then (2001) what we know right now (2010), we wouldn’t be the King of the Ladies, we’d extend that message of love beyond the Ruskies to the animal kingdom and start fucking horses.
Because what the monolith knew that we earthlings did not, is that the physical act of love between humans and horsemanity is as old as time itself. Hence all the centaur fossils found by Indiana Jones and Sean Connery over the years. Creationists believe centaurs were created by God and coexisted with Adam and Eve and the dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden, but science knows the sexy truth. It is high time we got back to our rutting roots, when “taking a trip to the glue factory” meant something entirely different than it does now.
First things first: head over to Fleshbot (site NSFW) and watch the scene in its entirety (even if you have to pry your eyes open with clamps, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange). The good news is the scene contains numerous tasty shots of spicy Spaniard Leonor Watling’s birdy num nums. The bad news is, you are watching a sex scene with Frodo that doesn’t feature Samwise The Brave.
Whence came this abomination, you ask? A little known/seen/liked film called The Oxford Murders, from the otherwise reliable mind-cooch of director Alex de la Iglesia. He of the church previously gave us such enjoyable motion pictures as Day of the Beast, 800 Bullets, and Perdita Durango; but with this monstrosity has chosen to spit libido sapping poison into the collective mind’s eye of his faithful fans. It would have been better for everyone involved if he had put John Hurt in the scene instead.
But awkward sex isn’t Oxford‘s only flaw (even if it is the only one that rapes you in the ocular cavity.) The film is also a bland, poorly scripted Davinci Code clone. In fact, I don’t know what’s worse- watching Frodo slurp second breakfast off that poor girl’s chest meat or seeing Iglesia demean himself with this second rate material.
And why cast Frodo in the first place? Capitalizing on some of that Lord of the Rings heat? Five years after the fact? Because his acting here is as stilted as his lovemaking.
When asked about filming the stomach churning love scenes, Frodo had this to say:
They were good – made all the more easy by working with Leonor.
Of course they were good! For YOU! Look at this FACE. It is the visage of a demented spaghetti fucker! You don’t see the media asking poor Leonor if she enjoyed having to suckle a halfling at her never ending pasta bowl. That’s because she’s locked away in an institution somewhere, a shell of her former self. She will never be able to experience the simple pleasures of normal sex or fine Italian cuisine ever again.
Why do we love the Nazis so much? And when did they become an object of erotic obsession in popular culture?
As far as I can tell, the Third Reich’s had our little soldiers sieg heiling ever since the Paris Peace Conference. From the art house to the grindhouse, those sadistic bastards are responsible for encouraging more instances of the five finger goose step than Linda Lovelace and Marilyn Chambers combined. In doing so, they’ve actually perpetrated a second, even larger Holocaust than the first- a sperm Holocaust. And for those who think this is a disgusting male only fetish, i assure you, the Nazis have made their share of meat curtains weep lugubrious stink tears.
The question still remains- why? I could give you some psychoanalytical mumbo-jumbo about facing our fears, but that doesn’t explain the arousal factor. A film like 1974′s The Night Porter attempts to rise above mere titillation and explain this morbid connection, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen it that all I can remember are the pert teats of Ms. Charlotte Rampling (and also that it was kind of boring for a sadomasochistic Nazi sex movie).
The complete opposite of boring, however, is the legion of Nazi themed exploitation films made in the 1970′s. Most of them were of Italian origin, even though you’d think the Itais would want to steer clear of associating themselves with anything Axis. Oddly enough, one of the most popular and profitable of the genre, Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS, was a Canadian production (Go Canada! I didn’t know you had it in you!) that was shot on the abandoned set of Hogan’s Heroes. It spawned a host of inferior imitators, which should only be of concern to the discriminating connoisseur of Naziploitation. For an exhaustive list, check out this site HERE, if only for the naked dancing Nazi pop-up and the Freudian mistyping of “cute-rate Goebbels.” Sounds like somebody has a crush!
If we had to, I suppose we could trace the whole thing all the way back to Uncle Adolf himself. It is a little know fact that The Fuhrer was a major league cooze hound in his day. He loved pussy so much, he didn’t even want to leave it to be born. (NSFW) He took on all comers, from the barely legal (Eva) to the very related (Geli)- just as long as they were white as a glass of milk. (Obviously, he didn’t subscribe to the idea that they’re all pink on the inside.) For those of you clamoring for actual proof, these recently surfaced photographs should suffice. They further corroborate the fact that The H Man liked him some strange.
Seig Heine!
Yah, das goot.
So you see, sexuality and Nazism go hand in hand. If Hitler were alive today, I’d like to think he’d be a more politically motivated version of Hugh Hefner. In fact, I think the girl pictured below would be the perfect match for this theoretical geriatric anti-Semite. She’s young, white, well-read and- I may be going out on a limb here- but she probably hates the Jews. She seems a tad overdressed, but we don’t want the FBI beating down our door. The two love birds could have a reality show, like The Girls Next Door, wherein the young lass attends to the needs of Grandpa Hitler, from the practical to the sexual. She could strain his peas, change his diaper and milk his prostate. Yummers! I know I’d watch it.
Or, 19th Century Women Have Taken Their Love of Rabbits A Little Too Far.
Or, Films I Haven’t Seen That Contain Rabbit On Woman Sex That A Malaysian With Bad Grammar Is More Qualified To Review Than I.
So I’ll let him take it away. Via L2 Movies Talk, your new favorite movie review site:
From the ever erotica director, Walerian Borowczyk, a very good film of showing the immoral women behaviour in 3 parts of different short stories. Kinda love it except the 3rd story Marie. I preferred the 1st one which show how bad a woman can be when they wanted to. Wow, i m gonna find Borowczyk’s production
2nd woman – Marceline
Marceline is young and slut, she has a rabbit name Pinky. She always play with her rabbit and let it tickle her pussy. She ignore her parents and her parents get angry and cook her rabbit and force her to eat it. Marceline get angry and ran away, she ran to Petrus the black butcher and seduce him. Petrus rape Marceline in the barn and discovered she’s a virgin. He thought Marceline was dead and hang himself in the barn, but later on discover Marceline was not dead and ask for help. Marceline did not help and left him hang to dead, she then take away Petrus’ knife and slash her parents throat while they are sleeping.
Wow, never come between a girl and her rabbit. We here in the future have learned that lesson well and now encourage Lepine lovin’ (see above pic of bunny and “water dancer”). I guess young Marceline didn’t believe in reciprocating, because although she enjoyed when her bunny ate her, she didn’t enjoy eating her bunny.
On a tenuously related note, you know who else was a water dancer?
Following in the footsteps of Back to the Future, Star Wars, and other like-minded pieces of Spielbergian entertainment, Super 8 is a film with a dirty little secret at its core- INCEST. But unlike those other films, in which the secret ain’t so secret, Super 8 plays it subtle, choosing to shroud its aberrant sexuality in an air of mystery.
And it’s a better film for it. Long after the disappointment of the recycled Cloverfield monster is gone, you’ll be all, “Wait a minute…” and suddenly you’re in love with Super 8 all over again. Forbidden love, that is, AKA the greatest love of all. (Take it away, Whitney!)
Embedding is disabled, but it’s worth clicking the link. Trust me.
Let me spell it out for the oblivious. When Louis Dainard crashes the funeral of Jackson Lamb’s wife, it isn’t solely because he feels responsible for her death- it’s because HE LOVED HER. They were having an affair, and, as you can imagine, that shit burned Jackson’s ass.
Not only that, the lovely Alice Dainard, who is the object of young Joe Lamb’s affection, is obviously a byproduct of their monkey-coupling. So you can see why Dad A and Dad B would want to keep those crazy kids as far away from each other as humanly possible. The two men hate each other as it is; neither of them wants to assume joint custody of an inbred retard baby and be forced to live out their lives like some sort of comically mismatched sitcom duo.
Need more proof? You know the scene where Alice cries while watching the filmstrip of Joe’s dead mom? That’s because IT’S HER MOTHER TOO. But she isn’t crying tears of sadness. No, those are tears of frustration. Because in that moment she begins to understand that the world will never accept the unholy love she has for her brother.
But all is not lost, for this perverted tale ends on a glimmer of hope. During the final scene, in which Joe lets go of his mother’s locket, he is really letting go of his shared lineage with Alice. They no longer have a mother, because her memory was needed to fuel a space alien’s rocket ship. The two lovebirds are flanked by their fathers, who have come to terms with being a non-gay couple raising a pair of incestuous siblings. It signifies a new era of the American family, and is a great victory for love.
At least that’s my interpretation, which is a hell of a lot more interesting than what actually happens in Man-eating E.T. Vs. The Goonies.
Are you ready to see the most erotic video ever? Then click on the above pic to make the lightspeed jump to planet pleasure! Even though the resolution is tiny, the boner it will produce shall be LARGE and mighty!
I can’t believe this vid isn’t all over the internet. It comes from Jake West’s comedic splatter flick, Evil Aliens. I would have posted this years ago (it got a brief mention HERE,) but I could find nary a titillating trace until recently. This scene is a little bit of brilliance in an otherwise abominable movie.
So if you’re into gushers and have fantasies of being abducted by aliens (and then having the shit raped out of you by said aliens while someone seemingly photographs the event like a fashion shoot,) this video for you.
