Consider yourself accepting? Tolerant? Inclusive? Do you hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal and are endowed with certain inalienable rights to fuck what they will? Then you’ll want to get in on the ground floor of the latest rights movement- the sexual rights of zoophiles!
That’s right! Gay is passe. Bestiality is the new civil rights movement. You know how you made fun of your great grandparents for owning black people? Well, you don’t want your ancestors to think you were a square because you turned up your nose at a bit of dog fucking, do you? You want to be the Abraham Lincoln to the zoophiles slaves. You want to be Moses. Go forth and shout it from the mountain tops- Let my people go, America, LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!
The movement goes at least as far back as 2009, when THIS article was published by The Palm Beach New Times, but longtime readers know that the jabber has been documenting the zoophile’s struggle since 2007. In the interest of journalistic integrity, we haven’t taken sides, but it should be pretty obvious what our intentions are- making fun of anything and everything! Equality For All!!!
Lesbians are totally cool. Even gross old lady ones who like to rub raisins, as portrayed by Annette Bening. Hell, lesbians who eat their own box are cool. They win major awards. But if you’ve got a dick, you’d better like sticking it in a lady. And if you don’t, you’d better keep it to yourself. And if you do have a dick and like sticking it in a lady but decide to share a platonic man kiss during prime time, you’ll be censored. Because dudes kissing is icky.
To be fair, this was probably more ABC’s doing than the Academy’s. The Academy has been awarding on-screen man love as far back as Jonathan Demme’s Philadelphia. They would go on to nominate Brokeback Mountain for best picture in 2005 (although they couldn’t bring themselves to give it the award) and gave best actor to Sean Penn for Milk in 2008. So progress is being made. Network television is just the backwoods of the entertainment industry. They can subject us to four excruciating hours of the James and Anne show, but feel the need to protect us from a little lip brush.
I hope this gets out and next year Fred Phelps and his cronies picket the Oscars for being “fag enablers.” It would make for a much more interesting show.
Posted in Film, Gay and Lesbian
Tagged Academy Awards, Anne Hathaway, Autocunnilingus, Brokeback Mountain, Fred Phelps, Gay Kiss, God Hates Fags, James Franco, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, Natalie Portman, Oscars
Hungry Eyes... I feel the magic between MY thighs!
I’ll have what she’s having.
Some Black Swan spoilers here, folks, albeit sexy ones.
Add Natalie Portman to the list of women who can eat their own pussy, even though she’s taken a slightly different approach. What starts out as a “lezzie wet dream” wherein Mila munches down on Natalie’s Kunis turns into a bizarre meta-masturbatory fantasy. All aboard the tuna train to chow town!
She bop, he bop, a we bop...
She also goes knuckle deep while her mother is in the room sleeping. Thank you, Darren Arronofsky, for using your powers for good. You have given hope to nebbish men everywhere that one day they too might wield such power over beautiful women under the pretext of “art.”
See both, bootleg quality videos over at Egotastic.
Posted in Film, Gay and Lesbian, Sexuality
Tagged Autocunnilingus, Black Swan, Cunnilingus, Cyndi Lauper, Darren Arronofsky, Dirty Dancing, Eric Carmen, Grumpy Old Men, Hungry Eyes, Masturbation, Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, She Bop
When the facade of the manly mustache just isn't enough...
I can’t believe I missed this tasty little morsel when I wrote about Focus on the Family trying to cure homosexuality. This and more egregious ignorance via Daily Kos:
Meanwhile, the boy’s father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son’s maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.
The younger, the better
Let me see if I’ve got this straight (no punis intended.) First, you get all Greco-Roman with the boy, introducing him to the world of rough trade. Then, you simulate the sexy, teaching him how to pound a phallic object into a surrogate anus. Finally, you take him into the shower and show him your hairy fuck-stick. Check, check and check. You’ve just saved your son from a lifetime of psychological scarring and set him on the path to becoming a well-adjusted heterosexual man. That’s some good parenting.
For the record, I wouldn’t trust Dobson to raise the roof, let alone children. Further down the page on that Daily Kos link you will find an anecdote about how he beat the fuck out of his dog to make it obey, illustrating that the same measures should be taken with wayward offspring. Brilliant. You beat them, then you take them in the shower where they can be eye-level with your dick and you wash away the tears.
At least according to this guy. If he’s right, the Pope is either of the self-hating variety, or he just wants all that sweet, sweet dick for himself. Here’s a quote:
The Pope’s a fucking gay-ass jew-fag, a fucking homo-ass ganster jew, and a motherfucking queer. He’s probably also a n*gger.
And there you have it. That’s straight from the Newswire to your brain. Not much else to add, I just wanted an excuse to post that picture. You’d think ole’ Hutton would like Herr Benedict, what with his nazi background and all.
Who do you think would win in a fight? Gay Pope or Nazi Pope? I can’t decide. It’s like having to choose which of your children to save first in a fire.
And this goes beyond the aesthetic similarities. I was lucky enough to attend one of the recent Faith No More reunion shows at The Williamsburg Waterfront in Brooklyn and I have to say, braving the heat and the hipsters was worth it. Despite being a long-time fan, I had never seen the band live, and the performance exceeded expectations- as did the antics of Mr. Bottum. He is the Shaffer to Patton’s surly Letterman, cracking jokes between songs and providing commentary while Mikey plays it cool. He is the guy in the band everyone else regrets giving a mike to. He also seems like he is having the most fun, probably because the reunion is a welcomed break from his current day job, fronting Imperial Teen (yikes!) Just kidding, Rod, we love you.
Now if only Paul Shaffer would come out of the closet, you guys would practically be the same person. That dude is on some serious denial trip. Maybe he should sleep with Courtney Love. That shit is scary enough to turn any man gay, if he doesn’t put a gun in his mouth first. Rock on, sweet prince!
Posted in Gay and Lesbian, Music, Television
Tagged Courtney Love, David Letterman, Faith No More, Glaven, Jerry Lewis, Keyboards, Kurt Cobain, Mike Patton, Paul Shaffer, Roddy Bottum, The Late Show
A public service announcement brought to you by Dr. James C. Dobson, your friendly neighborhood homophobe.
Remember, sexuality is NOT a choice. Counseling is readily available to help combat that pesky same-sex attraction.
Bowing to the forces of political correctness, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) in 1998 issued a position statement “rebuking” practices that are broadly referred to as “reparative therapy” for homosexuality.
Contrary to the “findings” of the APA and other mental health “professionals”, homosexual rehabilitation does work. Just ask this former gay. He is so straight, it makes my dick hurt.
Not convinced? Well tough titty. The Bible clearly states that homosexuality is an abomination, in Leviticus chapter 20:
If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.
Leviticus also states that shellfish are an abomination, but we’ll just ignore that part, because lobster are fucking delicious. And as for the verses concerning the right to make other races your slaves… THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!!
You now have all the facts. Go forth and be straight! God bless.