Category Archives: Gay and Lesbian

Bestiality is the New Civil Rights Movement

Equality for Everyone

Consider yourself accepting? Tolerant? Inclusive? Do you hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal and are endowed with certain inalienable rights to fuck what they will? Then you’ll want to get in on the ground floor of the latest rights movement- the sexual rights of zoophiles!

That’s right! Gay is passe. Bestiality is the new civil rights movement. You know how you made fun of your great grandparents for owning black people? Well, you don’t want your ancestors to think you were a square because you turned up your nose at a bit of dog fucking, do you? You want to be the Abraham Lincoln to the zoophiles slaves. You want to be Moses. Go forth and shout it from the mountain tops- Let my people go, America, LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!

The movement goes at least as far back as 2009, when THIS article was published by The Palm Beach New Times, but longtime readers know that the jabber has been documenting the zoophile’s struggle since 2007. In the interest of journalistic integrity, we haven’t taken sides, but it should be pretty obvious what our intentions are- making fun of anything and everything! Equality For All!!!

The Oscars Hates Fags

Brolin Bardem Oscar Kiss

Lesbians are totally cool. Even gross old lady ones who like to rub raisins, as portrayed by Annette Bening.  Hell, lesbians who eat their own box are cool. They win major awards. But if you’ve got a dick, you’d better like sticking it in a lady. And if you don’t, you’d better keep it to yourself. And if you do have a dick and like sticking it in a lady but decide to share a platonic man kiss during prime time, you’ll be censored. Because dudes kissing is icky.

To be fair, this was probably more ABC’s doing than the Academy’s. The Academy has been awarding on-screen man love as far back as Jonathan Demme’s Philadelphia.  They would go on to nominate Brokeback Mountain for best picture in 2005 (although they couldn’t bring themselves to give it the award) and gave best actor to Sean Penn for Milk in 2008. So progress is being made. Network television is just the backwoods of the entertainment industry. They can subject us to four excruciating hours of the James and Anne show, but feel the need to protect us from a little lip brush.

I hope this gets out and next year Fred Phelps and his cronies picket the Oscars for being “fag enablers.” It would make for a much more interesting show.

February Is Black Metal History Month

Black Metal History Month

Finally, something for white people to celebrate. Those headbangers over at Metal Injection have declared February Black Metal History Month, and will be posting related material throughout. To celebrate, I present my own musings on the art, posted way back in April ’07.

NONE MORE BLACK

Ghaal - crucified boy

What the fuck you say about me, jabber?

In said article, I insensitively refer to Slipknot as a bunch of “Kiss jocking homos,” which is a horrible thing to say, I know, because no one deserves to be compared to Corey Taylor. The irony of the whole thing is that Gaahl, the bad-ass motherfucker I was branding as the antithesis of all that, turned out to actually be gay. And we’re not talking fuck-a-burly-lumberjack-in-the-woods-cause-I’m-bored kind of gay. We’re talking my-boyfriend-is-a-clothing-designer-and-we-are-going-to-launch-a-clothing-line-for-women gay.

Gaahl is gay

Gaahl and his schnookumz

Still, it doesn’t diminish how downright terrifying the man is. This is a guy who tied up and tortured a trespasser for six hours, forcing the man to drink his own blood. So I guess what I’m trying to say here is, Gaahl, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Please don’t show up at my house in the middle of the night and pull my lungs out through my asshole and strangle me with them. It was all a big misunderstanding. Happy Black Metal History Month.

Natalie Portman Packs Her Own Box Lunch

Black Swan Box Munch

Hungry Eyes... I feel the magic between MY thighs!

I’ll have what she’s having.

Some Black Swan spoilers here, folks, albeit sexy ones.

Add Natalie Portman to the list of women who can eat their own pussy, even though she’s taken a slightly different approach. What starts out as a “lezzie wet dream” wherein Mila munches down on Natalie’s Kunis  turns into a bizarre meta-masturbatory fantasy. All aboard the tuna train to chow town!

Black Swan Masturbation

She bop, he bop, a we bop...

She also goes knuckle deep while her mother is in the room sleeping.  Thank you, Darren Arronofsky, for using your powers for good. You have given hope to nebbish men everywhere that one day they too might wield such power over beautiful women under the pretext of “art.”

See both, bootleg quality videos over at Egotastic.

J.K. Rowling To Write New Harry Potter Novel

Closet Conundrum

When the facade of the manly mustache just isn't enough...

Naked Showers With Daddy Will Cure Gay Sons

Focus on the Faggotry

I can’t believe I missed this tasty little morsel when I wrote about Focus on the Family trying to cure homosexuality. This and more egregious ignorance via Daily Kos:

Meanwhile, the boy’s father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son’s maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.

-James Dobson

shower with dad

The younger, the better

Let me see if I’ve got this straight (no punis intended.) First, you get all Greco-Roman with the boy, introducing him to the world of rough trade. Then, you simulate the sexy, teaching him how to pound a phallic object into a surrogate anus. Finally, you take him into the shower and show him your hairy fuck-stick. Check, check and check. You’ve just saved your son from a lifetime of psychological scarring and set him on the path to becoming a well-adjusted heterosexual man. That’s some good parenting.

For the record, I wouldn’t trust Dobson to raise the roof, let alone children. Further down the page on that Daily Kos link you will find an anecdote about how he beat the fuck out of his dog to make it obey, illustrating that the same measures should be taken with wayward offspring. Brilliant. You beat them, then you take them in the shower where they can be eye-level with your dick and you wash away the tears.

Top Gun is STILL Totally Gay: Now with more flying dildo rockets

A scene from the digitally remastered Top Gun: Special Edition, with updated special effects by Industrial Light and Magic that reflect Tony Scott’s original vision.

Top Gun dildo rocket

I, too, have been inspired by George Lucas, needlessly updating and repackaging one of my CLASSIC POSTS in an effort to cash in. This was actually my very first post, not counting a brief introductory piece, and advances in CGI dildo rockets demanded it be revisited.

*****

300 is gay

Take me...

In light of the sweaty man-epic that is 300, a movie who’s amazing violence is eclipsed only by its homoeroticism, I have decided to revisit another milestone of the “so macho it’s gay” cinema. I am, of course, referring to Tony Scott’s Top Gun.

Now the homoerotic subtext of Top Gun has been well documented, most notably in a monologue written by director Roger Avary, which was co-opted by Quentin Tarantino for the film Sleep With Me. A quick search online produced THIS (link no longer valid, try THIS) more serious expansion on the theory, which includes a handy list o’ quotes.  My personal favorite is, “I want somebody’s butt, I want it now, I’ve had it! God dammit! I want some BUTTS!!!”

Top Gun Hard On

Twink Gun

Naysayers are in denial. In fact, the film crosses the line from subtext into full-on punch-you-in-the-face-text. The amount of man-love on display in this film is legion, and was enough to put Kelly Mcgillis off men permanently. (Ironically, it has the opposite effect on dudes.) And if that isn’t enough to convince you Top Gun is dancing half-naked on a float during Pride covered in rainbow peacock feathers…

The Pope is a Gay Ass Homo

Gay PopeAt least according to this guy. If he’s right, the Pope is either of the self-hating variety, or he just wants all that sweet, sweet dick for himself. Here’s a quote:

The Pope’s a fucking gay-ass jew-fag, a fucking homo-ass ganster jew, and a motherfucking queer. He’s probably also a n*gger.

And there you have it. That’s straight from the Newswire to your brain. Not much else to add, I just wanted an excuse to post that picture. You’d think ole’ Hutton would like Herr Benedict, what with his nazi background and all.

Nazi Pope

Who do you think would win in a fight? Gay Pope or Nazi Pope? I can’t decide. It’s like having to choose which of your children to save first in a fire.

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Roddy Bottum is the Paul Shaffer of Rock n’ Roll

Paul Shaffer

Glaven?

Roddy Bottum

Glaven!

And this goes beyond the aesthetic similarities. I was lucky enough to attend one of the recent Faith No More reunion shows at The Williamsburg Waterfront in Brooklyn and I have to say, braving the heat and the hipsters was worth it. Despite being a long-time fan, I had never seen the band live, and the performance exceeded expectations- as did the antics of Mr. Bottum. He is the Shaffer to Patton’s surly Letterman, cracking jokes between songs and providing commentary while Mikey plays it cool. He is the guy in the band everyone else regrets giving a mike to. He also seems like he is having the most fun, probably because the reunion is a welcomed break from his current day job, fronting Imperial Teen (yikes!) Just kidding, Rod, we love you.

Now if only Paul Shaffer would come out of the closet, you guys would practically be the same person. That dude is on some serious denial trip. Maybe he should sleep with Courtney Love. That shit is scary enough to turn any man gay, if he doesn’t put a gun in his mouth first. Rock on, sweet prince!

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Homosexuality is a Mental Disorder That Can Be Cured

A public service announcement brought to you by Dr. James C. Dobson, your friendly neighborhood homophobe.
Focus on the Faggotry
Remember, sexuality is NOT a choice. Counseling is readily available to help combat that pesky same-sex attraction.

Bowing to the forces of political correctness, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) in 1998 issued a position statement “rebuking” practices that are broadly referred to as “reparative therapy” for homosexuality.

Contrary to the “findings” of the APA and other mental health “professionals”, homosexual rehabilitation does work. Just ask this former gay. He is so straight, it makes my dick hurt.

Not convinced? Well tough titty. The Bible clearly states that homosexuality is an abomination, in Leviticus chapter 20:

If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.

Leviticus also states that shellfish are an abomination, but we’ll just ignore that part, because lobster are fucking delicious. And as for the verses concerning the right to make other races your slaves… THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!!

You now have all the facts. Go forth and be straight! God bless.

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