Category Archives: Health

Average Penis Size World Map Confirms Stereotypes, China’s Biggest (smallest) Fears

Posted on March 28, 2011 | 7 Comments
Average Penis Size World Map

Click to enlarge (the jokes write themselves!)

Map via chinaSMACK.

No wonder American women are running for the border, going black and never coming back and emigrating to Canada (she told me it was strictly for the health care!) Not only does this map confirm stereotypes, it confirms why our women aren’t taking the small-dick-boat to China.

It’s funny- chinaSMACK finds and translates popular stories from Chinese language websites, and they have put their own unique slant (should I use a different word?) on the material in their title:

World penis length map published. Korean males capture the crown

And if you think that’s racist, check out this completely serious and scientific map that correlates IQ scores with average penis size. You can’t have it all, Asia!

Now all we need is a map comparing the distribution of pencil dicks vs. tuna cans.

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Posted in Health, Racism, Science, Sexuality, Uncategorized

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EX(is)TENZ(e)

Posted on December 8, 2010 | Leave a comment

Existenz Extenze

And I thought I was the only one who made THIS connection. Sartre is rolling in his grave.  Is sexuality a contingent accident bound to our physiological nature, or is it a necessary structure of being-for-itself-for-others? I don’t fucking know. Scooby Doo can doo-doo, but Jimmy Carter is smarter. Just give me some pills to turn my penis into an organic bone-gun and I’ll shoot a Chinese waiter in the face. Cronenberg gives us a bizarre entendre more insightful than any existentialist gobbledy-gook ever was. Have penis, will travel. Whether it is into an Asian’s cheek or James Woods’ chest vagina, the destination is the same. Jimmy Johnson is laughing all the way to the spank-bank.

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Posted in Film, Health, Sexuality, Sports

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Don’t Let That Stanky Pussy Ruin Your Marriage- Douche With Lysol

Posted on October 27, 2010 | 8 Comments

Lysol Douche Ad

That’s right, ladies, it’s your own fault if your husband refuses to take the downtown train like Rod Stewart. Confused as to why? Most likely because you’re not shooting harsh antiseptic chemicals up your vadge to kill the cooties that incubate there.

Allow me to simplify for the uneducated housewife. “Cooties” is a scientific term for lady-germs. It comes from the same Latin origin as the word “cooter,” which literally means “flesh sauna.” If a man is frequenting a public sauna, he will naturally want to wear protective footwear. But just because you are lucky enough to have a private sauna installed in your own home does not mean scheduled maintenance should be neglected. Said maintenance falls under the jurisdiction of the lady of the house. If a feminine sauna is not properly seen to, it’s off to the local YMCA, where it’s fun for a frigid husband to stay!

Lysol Douche Ad 2

If Lysol is not your twat sanitizer of choice, you might prefer their competitor- Zonite! When you absolutely need to eliminate that natural feminine odor and wreak havoc on the PH of your body, Zonite is the douche for you! Zonite is also good for paint stripping and de-greasing kitchen appliances. Now available in both lemon and “new car” scents. Try some today!

Retro Douche Ad

Retro Douche Ad 2

Womanly odor is offensive to dick. Subtle.

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Posted in Health, Science, Sexuality, Sociology, Vagina, Women's Issues, Women's Studies

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Proctalgia Fugax is not that kid from Almost Famous

Posted on October 13, 2010 | 3 Comments
Patrick Fugit - Butt Hole

Look, he's got a "groupie" on his prober finger.

…although they both make my butt hole hurt. But as awful as that movie was, actual proctalgia fugax is no laughing matter. What is proctalgia fugax, you ask? In layman’s terms- an anal charlie horse. It is an uncontrolled spasm of the muscles in the rectal area. Causes are unknown, but we are not prepared to rule out the hungry gerbil hypothesis. But before we jump to conclusions, let’s consult a professional asshole. What does noted TV shill, Dr. Oz, have to say about this?

Dr Oz says rectal pain is not normal. An anal charlie horse is so pleasurable painful it can bring you to your knees, where anal pain is best experienced. Oz says the cure is to relax the muscles, as if you were being penetrated against your will by a well endowed prison inmate. He also recommends the anal massage videos of Dr. Joseph Kramer, world renowned Ass Doctor.

According to Dr. Oz, one method of quickly alleviating the pain is to stretch the area by touching one’s toes or apply any other pressure/dilatation to the area by any means.

Anal Intruder

Any Means Necessary- The Malcolm X approved cure for Proctalgia Fugax

Ass Gore

For severe cases only.

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Posted in Film, Health, Sexuality

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Unlock The Erotic Potential of Your Anus with Joseph Kramer, PHD

Posted on October 11, 2010 | 4 Comments

Self Anal Massage

He may be a doctor, but he ain’t no scientist. Otherwise he’d know it’s pronounced YOOR-uh-nuhs, to prevent any unnecessary tittering amongst astronomers. Pronunciation aside, Joseph Kramer, who got his PHD in Sexological Bodywork from the San Francisco University of Assplay, knows a thing or two about your anus. So does, apparently, some random old man, who scored the cryptic cover blurb. The anus is the fast path to profound wisdom? Tell me something I don’t know, Mr. Homeless Man.

anal massage on a man

I came across this treasure trove of comedic gold whilst searching “anal charlie horse”, which will be the subject of a future post. It made me realize, the anus is like any other muscle. It needs to be properly stretched before a workout, as well as massaged and hot-tubbed like a pro ball player afterward.

And let’s not forget the main attraction of erotic massage- the cock and balls. Joseph Kramer, PHD, presents, like he was David O’Fucking Selznick, Fire On The Mountain: Male Genital Massage. The Mozart quote at the bottom is priceless. Brings new meaning to the already suggestive, The Magic Flute.

Male genital massage

I know he has a mustache and is from San Francisco, but Dr. Kramer hasn’t forgotten about you ladies. He knows the vulva is just a smaller, fishier version of the male ass, even though he’s probably never seen one. So turn that vertical smile 90 degrees clockwise, because a gay man is about to tell you how to whip up a delicious batch of panty pudding.

Vulva massage

This is The Best Of, Volume Two. That means he “cherry” picked only the best material for the first volume and still had enough left over for a second helping. That’s a lot of vulva massage.

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Posted in Health, Sexuality

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Is The Belly Button Connected To The Penis?

Posted on August 23, 2010 | 4 Comments

Belly Button Penis Tickle

If not, then why does the tip of my dick hurt when I poke that shit? It feels like a bolt of lightning is going to shoot out of my cock-piece, like in that Grinderman video. It’s almost like having a funny bone in your penis hole.

I thought maybe I was a freak of nature, but according to google, I am not. Many (school-age) men are concerned with this. I’m just older and can spell better.

Belly Button Penis

Belly Button Penis

Belly Button Penis

The number one answer to this question? STD’s! In 7th graders? That can’t be right. Can a brother get a serious answer? No. But apparently, a sister can:

Belly Button Vagina

There you have it. The Urachus. A fibrous remnant of the allantois, a canal that drains the bladder of the fetus via the umbilical cord. I especially like the qualifier “females particularly.” She’s asking this question on behalf of women, NOT men with vaginas. Those guys are on their own. Knowledge is power, my friend.

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Posted in Health, Science, Sexuality

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Homosexuality is a Mental Disorder That Can Be Cured

Posted on July 30, 2010 | 4 Comments

A public service announcement brought to you by Dr. James C. Dobson, your friendly neighborhood homophobe.
Focus on the Faggotry
Remember, sexuality is NOT a choice. Counseling is readily available to help combat that pesky same-sex attraction.

Bowing to the forces of political correctness, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) in 1998 issued a position statement “rebuking” practices that are broadly referred to as “reparative therapy” for homosexuality.

Contrary to the “findings” of the APA and other mental health “professionals”, homosexual rehabilitation does work. Just ask this former gay. He is so straight, it makes my dick hurt.

Not convinced? Well tough titty. The Bible clearly states that homosexuality is an abomination, in Leviticus chapter 20:

If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.

Leviticus also states that shellfish are an abomination, but we’ll just ignore that part, because lobster are fucking delicious. And as for the verses concerning the right to make other races your slaves… THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!!

You now have all the facts. Go forth and be straight! God bless.

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Posted in Gay and Lesbian, Health, Religion, Sexuality

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Revenge of the Gangrenous KKK Tittays

Posted on July 14, 2010 | 3 Comments

World's Largest Breasts

Looks like one of our big-titted alums is back in the news. Via Gawker:

Houston’s Sheyla Hershey broke the world record with her size 38KKK breasts. The Brazillian “model” has had 30 breast augmentations, and the most recent one might be the one that kills her or causes her to lose her prized possessions.

That means she may have to relinquish the record for having the world’s largest rack.

Poor girl. I have taken the liberty (with myself, which I do often) of reproducing the original post below:

ORIGINAL POST

38KKK. Those are some racist tittays. It’s ironic that she had to go all the way to Brazil to have some unscrupulous wetback surgeon install them. (I know, wetback is a derogatory term for Mexicans, not Brazilians, but I’m just quoting the original article, which comes from an extremely credible source. Besides, everybody knows Brazil is the Mexico of South America.) Upon closer inspection, she doesn’t even look white, so there is no way the Klan will endorse those self-hating mounds. This is my favorite part of the article:

Hershey dumped her boyfriend after he begged her not to get yet another surgery, but she told him she had to follow her dream.

That’s right, you follow your dream, girl. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t be the nastiest big-titted slut in the whole world.

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Posted in Health, Topical, White Power!, Women's Issues

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Remember, Ladies… Terrence Howard Wants You To Wash That Pussay!

Posted on September 23, 2009 | 2 Comments

So fresh and so clean... (clean...)

From Elle magazine, by way of Jezebel:

On his deal-breaker:

“Toilet paper – and no baby wipes – in the bathroom. If they’re using dry paper, they aren’t washing all of themselves. It’s just unclean. So if I go in a woman’s house and see the toilet paper there, I’ll explain this. And if she doesn’t make the adjustment to baby wipes, I’ll know she’s not completely clean.”

Hahaha. You tell that to a women’s magazine? Dude is seriously out of touch. I’m surprised he didn’t demand women on their period be sequestered from society due to uncleanliness, Bible style.

Thou Shalt Not!

Thou Shalt Not!

Leviticus 15:19-30

And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.

I bet when Terrence is alone and life is making him lonely, he’s shit out of luck. I find it hard to believe he would “listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova,” if you know what I mean.

Terrence demonstrates the proper way to clean the female vadge-niner

Terrence demonstrates the proper way to clean the female vadge-niner

The consequence of not using Terrence Howard brand vag wipes

The consequence of not using Terrence Howard brand vag wipes

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Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Film, Health, Religion, Sexuality, Women's Issues

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He Had The Time Of His Life: RIP Patrick Swayze

Posted on September 14, 2009 | Leave a comment

Sad news via the Associated Press:

LOS ANGELES – Patrick Swayze, the hunky actor who danced his way into viewers’ hearts with “Dirty Dancing” and then broke them with “Ghost,” died Monday after a battle with pancreatic cancer. He was 57.

I would find this quote maudlin and humorous, except one of those hearts was mine. He lived like a loner, fought like a professional, and loved like there was no tomorrow. Patrick, you will be missed.

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Posted in Film, Health, Music, Television, Topical

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