Category Archives: Masturbation

How To (Literally) Fuck Yourself

Posted on August 14, 2011 | Leave a comment

go-fuck-yourself

Fuck Trek VI: The Undiscovered Cuntry

Congratulations, you’ve successfully sucked your own dick, but you have a voracious sexual appetite and are hungry for more. You’re low on cash and don’t have access to a consenting female. What’s the only uncharted masturbatory territory left for a sexual Lewis and Clark like yourself to explore? Grab some lube and your Sacagaweas, because it’s time to embark upon a literal execution of the metaphorical self fuck.

Last time I checked, cloning was still illegal, so you’ll have to cross fucking your doppleganger off your list. You could do like THIS GUY, and make a Plaster Caster mold of your cock so an ex-girlfriend can fuck you with it (let’s see you write a song about that, KISS!), but that’s not really fucking yourself. The dick needs to be flesh and blood, and it needs to be attached to YOU.

Wishmaster likes to watch

I like to watch

No, the only conceivable way of literally fucking yourself is to enlist the help of your friendly neighborhood Wishmaster. The Wishmaster is a benevolent djinn who rides around on a sleigh and grants wishes to all the good little boys and girls. Or something like that. He might also want to unleash his unholy minions so hell can reign on earth. I’m not good with details.

But if poking your own pooper-shooter is that important to you, and you don’t care about the fate of the rest of humanity, this is definitely the way to go. Don’t believe in Wishmasters? Check out the documentary footage below. (Embedding disabled! Fucking youtube can go fuck itself!)

The clip starts out with an hilarious quote-

Check it out, I’m getting it on with my sister, next thing I know, the bitch drops a fucking dime on me- attempted rape.

-but skip to the 2:30 mark to see Wishy make dreams come true.


Or, if you really hate your eyes, you could just click this horrifying, extremely NSFW link HERE, which totally takes the romanticism out of the idea of fucking yourself.

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Posted in Masturbation, Sexuality

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Aquaman Wants To Masturbate Farm Animals Into The Faces Of Innocent Children

Posted on March 9, 2011 | 1 Comment

Aquaman underage bestiality facial

This is why they’ll never make an Aquaman movie. Not only is he completely lame (his superpower is talking to fish,) but he’s a certified sex-pervert as well. You’d think he’d be all about some sort of Ariel/Little Mermaid fetish, but no- he wants to blast your kids in the face with goat semen. He swims around, goat under arm, waiting for some unsuspecting  child to wander close enough to the water then BLAMMO! Consider yourself goat-jizzed, Aquaman style.

Or maybe this is just his misguided way of trying to be more like Spiderman. Because everyone knows Spiderman is the best- especially his grandma.

Spider Jizz

More unintentionally funny comic book panels HERE. Apparently all superhero comics are metaphors for the awkwardness of teenage sexuality.

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Posted in Bestiality, Comics, Masturbation, Sexuality

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I don’t know why, every time Tommy Lee tries to fly (and by “fly” I mean complain about SeaWorld masturbating killer whales with cow vaginas) they try to hold him doooooooooooooown!

Posted on December 10, 2010 | 3 Comments

Tommy-Lee-and-the-Whale

This is too good not to re-post. From Metal Sucks:

From Lee’s semi-coherent letter to SeaWorld president Terry Prather:

After learning about the bizarre way you breed killer whales, my friends at PETA and I are stumped about SeaWorld’s announcement that no people will ever again have direct contact with Tilikum, the orca who has killed three people including his trainer this year [sic]. We understand that you refuse to release this frustrated whale because he is your chief sperm bank, and we know from SeaWorld’s own director of safety … that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water. Even during my wildest days with Motley Crue, I never could’ve imagined something so sick and twisted. Simply put, how can SeaWorld claim that trainers no longer have direct contact with this whale when they are jacking him off? That is about as ‘direct’ as it gets.

First of all, shut the fuck up, Tommy Lee. How many underage girls have you had sex with? While their mother’s watched? While playing a drum solo? You don’t see me writing letters to RAINN to complain about you, do you? No, I just close my eyes, put on Dr. Feelgood, and pretend like it never happened.

Secondly, no one cares about unfulfilled celebrities and their pet social projects. Celebs should be seen and not heard (especially in the case of your post-Crue output.) So get the fuck back on your levitating drum set and fly off into the sunset, Tommy Lee, before you destroy what’s left of your already tenuous legacy.

Lastly, we as humans have to attend to the sexual needs of large aquatic mammals, otherwise they will RAPE OUR WOMEN!!! A few severed cow vaginas is a small price to pay.

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Posted in Animal Hijinks, Celebrity Shit Heads, Masturbation, Metal, Music

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Shake Weight For Men Is The Most (unintentionally?) Homoerotic Device Ever Invented

Posted on August 27, 2010 | 3 Comments

The first time I saw this commercial, it was playing in the background at a bar, and wasn’t even a gay bar!  Don’t find anything odd about it? Then you were probably raised in a convent. And I’m not talking about one of those sexy European convents, where everyone is possessed by the devil, running around with no clothes, and masturbating with crosses. I’m talking, “Jesus didn’t have a penis” type convent here. So if that’s the case, here are some conceptual drawings to give you a clue. Welcome to the real world, sister.

shake weight

Shake weight circle jerk

Great for parties!

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Posted in Masturbation, Sexuality, Television

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Bill Cosby Wants To Come On People

Posted on March 25, 2008 | 2 Comments

Thanks to Kevin for bringing this to my attention.

Legendary comedian cum humorless dick, Bill “Dr. Huxtable” Cosby is at it again, this time in book form. All puns intentional.

From Publishers Weekly:

With his at-times controversial social commentary fresh in the public mind, comedian Bill Cosby teams up with some psychiatrist named Alvin Poussaint to take a hard look at the state of black America, bearer of “more than their share of poverty,” and present ways to overcome the “deep-rooted” challenges of the poor-including crime, lack of education and broken families.

Basically, Cosby serves up a typewritten tongue-lashing, lambasting black America, placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of Hip Hop and the N word.

But is there something going on below the surface? And by surface, I mean right on the front cover? For all his talk of education, you think Cosby would have at least had someone proofread the title. Either that, or he’s trying to tell us that he’s a huge proponent of sticky faces. From the suggestive lack of punctuation to the peter-track footprints, I think all signs point to the later.

That’s right, the title of the book is Come On People. Not- Come On, People- Come On People. You see the difference? It’s amazing what a comma can do.

And you know what? Maybe he’s right. Maybe that’s the answer to all our problems. We should all just whip it out and spray liquid love all over each other. Cook up a tasty batch of Jello brand pudding peace. The world would be a better place.

White power!!!!!

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Posted in Blaxploitation, Books, Celebrity Shit Heads, Comedy, Education, Hip Hop, Masturbation, Sociology, Television, White Power!

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How To Suck Your Own Dick

Posted on February 13, 2008 | 75 Comments

Check out our new sequel/sister post: How To Eat Your Own Pussy

self suck

A typical Friday night

I was compelled to write this entry after the search term “How to suck your own dick” kept repeatedly showing up in my stats (I briefly touched upon the topic here.) I also recently got a hit off of “I can put my penis in my ass,” but I don’t know where that one came from. Autofellatio is obviously a topic people (men) are interested in, so I decided to see what came up when I searched it on Google. Here are the top results:

From If You Could You Would:

A big dick and an limber body don’t belong to everyone, but if you can already get pretty close there are a few tricks you can do to improve and hopefully, get that incredible rush that comes when you finally make contact between your tongue and your own dick.

…practice *definitely* pays off. Before, I could only lick the tip with real strain, legs thrown over my head. Now I am getting the whole juicy head in my mouth plus some shaft, and I can lick halfway down my dick and taste my balls.

Oh, man, that last line is priceless. Sounds like someone describing a particularly good meal. Juicy head. Tasty balls. Sounds scrumptious. I can’t tell if this is a joke, or this guy really loves the taste of his own dick. The handy list of tips included suggests the latter. Some real thought went into this.

suck your own dick

You know you're a man! A manny manny man!

College Sex Advice takes what seems to be a more serious approach to the subject, plus it has some sweet hand-drawings. Why is that dude wearing a baseball hat and sneakers? Because he knows he’s a man, that’s why! (Careful with that link, Eugene!)

Even Wikipedia has an entry on the art of autofellatio (NSFW!) Want to know more? Amazon sells a book by the same title. It’s called, The Art of Auto-Fellatio: Oral Sex For One. It is now on my wish list. And then there’s the myriad of self-suck websites that come up, if you want to go the less scholastic route.

I know some of you (women) are probably a little put off by the subject, but I assure you, wanting to suck your own dick is perfectly natural. You don’t have to be ashamed anymore, people! Anyway, I hope this has been both informative and enlightening. I’ve got a lot of stretching to do. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Self Suck

Siphoning from the ass tank

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Posted in Autofellatio, Health, How To, Masturbation, NSFW, Self-Suck, Sexuality, You Know You're A Man!

Having Sex With Your Clone Does Not Make You Gay

Posted on August 24, 2007 | 15 Comments

It’s the age old question: Does having sex with your clone make you gay? I would say to thee, nay! Does touching your own dick? Just because you jerk yourself off doesn’t mean you are going to run out and start giving sailors handjobs in dark alleys. What about a blowjob? Long considered the holy grail of masturbation to many men, the self suck-off doesn’t make you queer, it makes you a man! And on top of that, you KNOW you’re a man! A man, man, man… (NSFW) You’re not gonna run out and start gobbling cock like it’s going out of style, you’re gonna lock yourself in your room like you were 14 again!

So why not clone sex? We’re talking your exact double. Genetically, it IS you. It was grown in a test tube to sate your every carnal desire. You’re not going to date it or have a meaningful relationship, you’re gonna lock it in the basement like a gimp when you’re not pleasuring yourself. That’s right, pleasuring yourself. Because clone sex is the highest form of masturbation.

And let’s be real. We’re talking about dude on dude, here. Because you know no one has a problem with identical lady sex, incestuous or otherwise. That’s totally hot. But if you were to bend your man-double over and give yourself a good rogering, that would be considered deviant. What this really comes down to is people don’t have a problem with clone sex, they have a problem with man on man ass sex. It is a complete double standard, which is why we need to Brokeback to the future and establish that clone sex does not equal gay sex, before it is too late.


Doesn’t it, Yoda? There’s only one way to find out…

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Posted in Cloning, Gay and Lesbian, Masturbation, Science, Sexuality