Note: This blog post should be used for entertainment purposes only and is not to be taken seriously because A) I am a huge fan of The Dillinger Escape Plan, and B) Greg Puciato is a badass and could probably beat me up through the internet.
So… back in January we learned that Dillinger Escape Plan vocalist Greg Puciato was totally dating porn star Jenna Haze. This just weeks after he went shitzoid on mushrooms, an incident which required the dispatch of 6 police officers, several EMTs and an entire fire truck (your tax dollars hard at work there, people).
Now I know rock stars will be rock stars, but neither of these things sat well with me. Particularly because I don’t view Puciato as a quote unquote “rock star.” (Is it redundant to put “rock star” in quotes after prefacing it with quote unquote?) No, I don’t have anything against porn stars- they have kept me company many a lonely night- but this seemed like a slide towards the douchey behavior normally reserved for people like Dave Navarro and Tommy Lee.
Don’t get me wrong, I can see the allure of fucking a porn star, but taking one home to Mama Kin? Everyone wants a freak in the sheets, but I’ll take a nun on the streets, thank you very much. This just goes to show that men can be as emotionally motivated as women, and what starts out as the fulfillment of a fuck fantasy can quickly morph into a co-dependency nightmare.
Because after you’ve had your fill of acrobatic mushroom sex, what reason is there to stay in this type of relationship? I mean, Greg comes off as a pretty intelligent dude, so what can he possibly find intellectually stimulating about THIS?
But what the fuck do I know? Love makes you do crazy shit. Like play chair wrangler for Taylor Momsen, she of the previously underage chest meat. This, more than the porn star dating and recreational drug use, has me concerned. I don’t want to be that guy, going on about “keeping it real,” but how do you go from THIS, to this:
I guess we’ll have to chalk it up to artistic growth. It just goes to show, the less you know about your heroes’ personal lives, the better. As long as Ben Weinman doesn’t kick him out of the band for doing drugs and Dillinger continue to make ball-blistering music, I’ll be happy.
As for Greg and Jenna’s relationship, I truly hope they’re happy. Turns out, Haze recently retired from performing; maybe she did it for him? She’s taken similar dick sabbaticals in the past. From Wikipedia:
During most of her time at [Jill Kelly Productions], she performed exclusively with women, out of loyalty to her then boyfriend, an industry cameraman.
I can’t hate on that. And the pair make a cute couple, even though Greg is looking a little too Jersey in some of these pics.
Maybe she is a cougar from the future, whose cryogenically frozen head was thawed and grafted onto the body of a much younger woman. Or maybe she was mauled by a dog and needed face replacement surgery, and the only available donor was a 40 year old transvestite prostitute. Maybe this is a brilliant piece of post-modernist performance art commenting on the sexualization of children in the media. Or maybe she’s just some old-ass gold digger who works out a lot, pulling a fast one on a creepy horndog.
