Goddammit! Somebody stole my idea! I was totally gonna sell it to T-shirt Hell and make a killing. I was so excited when I first thought of this, I jumped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around my dripping nethers, and did a Google search in the Shia Le Buff.
Dirty minds must think alike, because I found the subject on the tip of many an online tongue, like so much twattle (HERE and HERE). Loose lips sink ships, so consider my cunt currency ship sunk. (I also would have accepted: Yonic Yen Yacht, Slit Salary Schooner, Pussy Peso Pinnace, Beaver Bankroll Boat, Financial Furburger Fleet, and Marine Money Minge.)
Hm… how about a phallic Man-orah? Goddammit! That’s been taken too. Looks like its back to the drawing board for me. Happy Hanukkah, everyone! I know it may be a bit premature, but if Starbucks can sell Santa Jizz Machiatos before it is even Thanksgiving, then I can give a preemptive Sephardic shout out.
Oh, internet. Just when I think I’ve seen it all, you show me something wonderful and new.
Diary of An Unborn Child was conceived anonymously (just like me!) and published by some Jehovah’s Witness rag in the year of our lord 1980. It is the first person narrative of a developing fetus who can’t wait to be born, but, unbeknownst to him, is actually headed for that great uterus vacuum in the sky.
No one wanted to claim responsibility for the bastard, until a creepy-ass troubadour came along and adopted it as his own. He set it to music, punched himself in the nuts, and took it on the road. His name was Mark Fox, AKA Lil’ Markie, a repressed child molester locked in a perpetual state of arrested development.
Is it rape if she enjoys it?
This grown man would travel from church to church, performing for adults in his prepubescent falsetto, singing songs about aborted fetuses and alcoholic fathers who still get to go to heaven because they accept Jesus in the end. (The alcoholic fathers, not the fetuses. Everyone knows aborted babies go straight to HELL because they haven’t been baptized.)
The whole spiel is meant to tug on the ole’ heartstrings of you pro-choice heathens, but has (ironically) taken on a LIFE of its own on the internet. It is unintentionally hilarious and extraordinarily creepy. It makes me wonder- what happened to Mark Fox as a child that he chose to regress to that stage of his emotional development? Was that when the bad man touched you, Mark? Was it someone you trusted? Did you cry out in that high-pitched voice, the same one you use when committing your own acts of molestation? Because it’s not you that’s raping those kids. No, it’s Lil’ Markie. He makes you do it. It’s the only way to shut him up, isn’t it?
This is the future, people. Science has finally solved the age old problem of the blown out O-ring… in mice.
Why mice? Because no one rump wrangles or power shats harder than the murine, that’s why. But don’t worry, the hierarchy of creatures in need of anus replacement goes 1. Mice, 2. Elton John, so humans should be next in line.
Especially since they are using a combination of human muscle cells and mouse nerve cells to achieve this scientific wonderment. Sound ungodly to you? That’s because you don’t have an asshole like a deflated inner tube. You know what it’s like when your socks lose elasticity and continually slouch down around your ankles? Picture that. Only in your butt.
This is why scientists science first and tell later. Thankfully the result wasn’t some sort of sentient, disembodied half human/half mouse/half anus that got loose (get it?) and wreaked havoc on a major metropolitan area. That would have been terrible. It would make for a good movie, though. I’m writing “Frankenanus” as we speak, so no one steal my idea.
Chalk another one up for science. How many anuses has Jesus replaced? None, I should think. Otherwise it would have been in the Bible, right there next to turning water into wine. Viva la science!
Kirk Cameron does his best Stephen Hawking impersonation
Step roll aside, Stephen Hawking, there’s a new sheriff in genius town, and his name is Kirk Cameron! He was appointed by God (IE: self-appointed) and carries a banana on his hip, just in case you decide to get ornery. It is perfectly formed to fit his hand, and contains three shots of potassium infused righteousness for anyone foolish enough to practice their scientific witchcraft out in the open.
Cameron tells us, “Professor Hawking is heralded as ‘the genius of Britain,’ yet he believes in the scientific impossibility that nothing created everything and that life sprang from non-life.”
You know, instead of believing in the scientific impossibility that life is the product of an all-powerful creator that itself had no beginning. That’s much more plausible (and provable!)
He adds, “Why should anyone believe Mr. Hawking’s writings if he cannot provide evidence for his unscientific belief that out of nothing, everything came?”
I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure there was a little something called “The Big Bang,” which there is plenty of scientific evidence for (as opposed to the complete lack of empirical evidence provided for intelligent design. Sorry, bananas.) As for “something” springing from “nothing,” science has been pretty upfront about not knowing what preceded The Big Bang, yet you don’t see them making up fairy stories to fill in the blanks.
And then there’s this, the most homoerotic proof of God’s existence ever:
By that rationale, according to the top comment:
Bananas are perfectly shaped to fit in your ass, god must had meant for us to sodomize each other with them
Out of the mouths of babes!
Then that capricious little imp called FACTS has the audacity to piss in Kirk’s holy eye. It’s not as good as the anus argument, but it works:
These morons don’t even realize that the modern banana has been genetically engineered and came from a mutant or evolved strain of the plantain. The original plantain does not fit so well into your hand and wasn’t even easily edible.
21 weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List, 3.4 million books in print- Heaven Is For Real is the touching preposterous true story (!) of an anesthetized four-year-old boy with a burst appendix who visits heaven, where he plays Parcheesi with angelic hosts and the miscarried fetuses of his parents. We’re talkin’ white christian heaven, full of clouds and rainbows and winged Abe Lincolns. A place where everyone is younger, except aborted babies, who are magically rounded up to toddler, so they can sit on Jesus’ roomy lap and cuddle.
Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? The book was written by the boy’s father, who is an evangelical pastor, and Lynn Vincent, co-writer of the kick ass Sarah Palin fantasy novel, Going Rogue (soon to be a sex-filled mini-series from HBO.) Together they manage to pad out the post-op ravings of a delirious child to a sellable 192 pages. Considering the kid only spent 3 minutes “in heaven,” that is an impressive feat indeed. And you, the ignorant American public, have validated their efforts with your wallets. Well done.
Why is this a cause for concern? Look at the picture on the cover. Are we sure the kid didn’t come out of this ordeal with significantly fewer brain cells? He looks borderline retarded, with his cheese-eating grin and Johnny Unitas haircut. That right there should be a wake-up call to anyone who reads this book. This is your prophet. Remember David goes to the dentist? Times that by 1000. That’s what you’re basing your belief in the afterlife on. You continue to ignore the empirical evidence supporting evolution, but a drugged up child says he hung out with Jesus and you’re all in.
An orthodox Jewish prayer observance… aboard an Alaska Airlines flight on Sunday alarmed flight attendants unfamiliar with the ritual, prompting them to lock down the cockpit and issue a security alert…
The three men, all Mexican nationals, were escorted off the plane by police and questioned by the FBI before being released…
It turned out the passengers were engaged in the wearing of tefillin — small, black prayer boxes containing scripture that devout Jews bind to their foreheads and arms with black leather straps in a daily ritual accompanied by special prayers.
Tefillin done right
First off, why would any Mexican want to be Jewish? Were they not feeling discriminated against enough? Maybe they should have started making out with each other as well. Cover all their bases.
Secondly, ignorant hysteria aside, don’t you think a modicum of discretion is in order concerning when and where you perform your scary religious rituals? Are you completely unaware of the political climate in which we exist? You couldn’t have played with your S&M prayer straps before the flight? To me, the whole thing reeks of goy baiting.
Freedom of religion is a two-way street. It is there to ensure the rights of crazy kooks, but what many people forget is that it also serves to protect normal people from having their lives infringed upon by religion. So practice your voodoo in the shameful privacy of your own home. When you take it to the streets (skies), you are being selfish and intolerant of non-religious people. Public space is communal space. Show some fucking courtesy.
You got your science in my religion! You got your religion in my science! Wait a minute… this is delicious!!! Stephen Jay Gould had it all wrong. The idea that science and religion are two monarchs presiding over completely different kingdoms is preposterous. They are more like conjoined twins, separated at birth, who are incomplete without each other.
Because not only is The Bible a handy book of rules by which to live your life and tell your neighbor how he should live his, it is a scientific text that rivals the whole of modern academic knowledge!
Not convinced? Have you read a little pamphlet called, Dinosaurs and The Bible? It sheds some serious light on the historical context of giant reptiles and exposes the errors in evolutionary thinking.
To all evolutionists out there I say, were you there? No, but God was, and he dictated the events of The Book of Genesis to that Moses guy, so we can infer from vague, later passages in The Bible that a pair of T Rex were on that giant boat Noah built. (I don’t think Phil Collins had anything to do with it, but I could be mistaken.) Feeble attempts such as THIS, which utilize basic common sense and rudimentary scientific knowledge to prove their point shall be summarily dismissed.
Because let’s be honest- the inclusion of a bad-ass dino-riding savior would make church way more interesting. I think it also opens the door for the possibility of dinosaurs interacting with other famous historical figures, like Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.
I know most of you don’t give a hoot about my “serious” journalistic work, but this is a big one. Anne Rice has sold so many books it’s intimidating. In fact, she could say the number while holding her pinky in front of her lips a la Dr. Evil- that’s how many books she’s sold. Nearly 100 million worldwide, to be precise, which makes her one of the most widely read authors in modern history (all this according to Wikipedia.) Let’s have a slice of excerpt pie, shall we?
Anne O’brien Rice has a bit of a history here at The Cult. Since lost in the great Drupal transfer of the aughts, the incident in question exists solely as hearsay and conjecture, bandied about the hallowed halls of the forum like some sort of literary urban legend. As the story goes, Ms. Rice didn’t take too kindly to comments made about her work by some keyboard critic and decided to open up a can of whup ass. Since there is no record of the event, it begs the question- if a bestselling author raises a stink and nothing exists to prove it, did it ever actually happen?
Check out the full interview over at ChuckPalahniuk.net, where Ms. Rice and I discuss everything from religion and God to calling out detractors on the internets.
He’s also the Antichrist, so hide yo kids, hide yo wife. Lars Von Trier and Republicans tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen. The only way to defeat him is to drill a hole in his leg and make him ejaculate blood with the help of a mystical talking fox. Watch yourself! Cuz this is one insatiable pussy crook who won’t be stopped. He wants to take away your guns and give your money to lazy minorities. He wants to create an Islamic socialist paradise where chaos reigns.
It’s amazing people are still afraid of this when Obama has proven ineffectual on most of his grandiose liberal promises.
I finally understand Christianity. From the New International Version, what is considered by many to be the dirtiest passage in the whole Bible:
Ezekiel 23:19-21
19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt.
20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.
So what we have here is a horny slut fantasizing about big black dicks (it takes place in Egypt) and hot, steamy loads. I’d have to check with an erotic historian, but this also might be the first documented record of bukkake. I don’t know why the dicks are specifically likened to a donkey’s while the loads are those of horses, though. I guess that was just her preference. You’d think horse and donkey dick and their respective quantity of ejaculate would be similar enough.
