This is the future, people. Science has finally solved the age old problem of the blown out O-ring… in mice.
Why mice? Because no one rump wrangles or power shats harder than the murine, that’s why. But don’t worry, the hierarchy of creatures in need of anus replacement goes 1. Mice, 2. Elton John, so humans should be next in line.
Especially since they are using a combination of human muscle cells and mouse nerve cells to achieve this scientific wonderment. Sound ungodly to you? That’s because you don’t have an asshole like a deflated inner tube. You know what it’s like when your socks lose elasticity and continually slouch down around your ankles? Picture that. Only in your butt.
This is why scientists science first and tell later. Thankfully the result wasn’t some sort of sentient, disembodied half human/half mouse/half anus that got loose (get it?) and wreaked havoc on a major metropolitan area. That would have been terrible. It would make for a good movie, though. I’m writing “Frankenanus” as we speak, so no one steal my idea.
Chalk another one up for science. How many anuses has Jesus replaced? None, I should think. Otherwise it would have been in the Bible, right there next to turning water into wine. Viva la science!
WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH AQUATIC MAMMALS SO BAD?!?! I’m tired of writing about it, but the public will not be sated. I feel like butch lesbian Mister Rogers in The Godfather Part III.
Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry dated the nudist and she strains to open the pickle jar? Yup. Bad naked.
So apparently there is some lady scientist who swims naked with beluga whales because they “don’t like clothes.” At least that’s what the men tell her, as they watch her frolic in sub-zero water from the safety of their parkas. They claim it’s all done in the name of “science,” but we know the TRUTH. Scientists are perverts.
What's beluga for "she touched my bathing suit area?"
Leave it to the Russians. 90% of all internet porn comes from that area of the world, yet they are still pushing boundaries and innovating. Government subsidized bestiality porn masquerading as science may just be their masterstroke.
Kirk Cameron does his best Stephen Hawking impersonation
Step roll aside, Stephen Hawking, there’s a new sheriff in genius town, and his name is Kirk Cameron! He was appointed by God (IE: self-appointed) and carries a banana on his hip, just in case you decide to get ornery. It is perfectly formed to fit his hand, and contains three shots of potassium infused righteousness for anyone foolish enough to practice their scientific witchcraft out in the open.
Cameron tells us, “Professor Hawking is heralded as ‘the genius of Britain,’ yet he believes in the scientific impossibility that nothing created everything and that life sprang from non-life.”
You know, instead of believing in the scientific impossibility that life is the product of an all-powerful creator that itself had no beginning. That’s much more plausible (and provable!)
He adds, “Why should anyone believe Mr. Hawking’s writings if he cannot provide evidence for his unscientific belief that out of nothing, everything came?”
I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure there was a little something called “The Big Bang,” which there is plenty of scientific evidence for (as opposed to the complete lack of empirical evidence provided for intelligent design. Sorry, bananas.) As for “something” springing from “nothing,” science has been pretty upfront about not knowing what preceded The Big Bang, yet you don’t see them making up fairy stories to fill in the blanks.
And then there’s this, the most homoerotic proof of God’s existence ever:
By that rationale, according to the top comment:
Bananas are perfectly shaped to fit in your ass, god must had meant for us to sodomize each other with them
Out of the mouths of babes!
Then that capricious little imp called FACTS has the audacity to piss in Kirk’s holy eye. It’s not as good as the anus argument, but it works:
These morons don’t even realize that the modern banana has been genetically engineered and came from a mutant or evolved strain of the plantain. The original plantain does not fit so well into your hand and wasn’t even easily edible.
Little known fact: before he was shredding balls like wheat, Mastodon guitarist Brent Hinds was best known for yucking it up Hillbilly style in James Cameron’s underwater epic The Abyss. Hinds was a natural as Appalachian oil-rigger Sonny Dawson, and masterfully imbued the character with every ounce of his proud Alabamian upbringing. The film would go on to win the Academy Award for best visual effects, due in part to the CGI technology required to cover up the actor’s extensive face tats.
Also in The Abyss, a young Jamie Hyneman as Lieutenant Hiram “Hot” Coffey, the psychotic SEAL with HPNS. (Get it? Cameron named the jittery, high-strung guy COFFEY. He so subtle.) As you can see, the future Mythbuster had already perfected his patented scowl and taken to wearing brimless hats. His mustache, however, had yet to come into its own.
Oh yeah- and if those aliens were so smart, why didn’t they know their technology would fuck with the subs electronics? The whole incident could easily have been avoided. Jerks.
No wonder American women are running for the border, going black and never coming back and emigrating to Canada (she told me it was strictly for the health care!) Not only does this map confirm stereotypes, it confirms why our women aren’t taking the small-dick-boat to China.
It’s funny- chinaSMACK finds and translates popular stories from Chinese language websites, and they have put their own unique slant (should I use a different word?) on the material in their title:
World penis length map published. Korean males capture the crown
And if you think that’s racist, check out this completely serious and scientific map that correlates IQ scores with average penis size. You can’t have it all, Asia!
You got your science in my religion! You got your religion in my science! Wait a minute… this is delicious!!! Stephen Jay Gould had it all wrong. The idea that science and religion are two monarchs presiding over completely different kingdoms is preposterous. They are more like conjoined twins, separated at birth, who are incomplete without each other.
Because not only is The Bible a handy book of rules by which to live your life and tell your neighbor how he should live his, it is a scientific text that rivals the whole of modern academic knowledge!
Not convinced? Have you read a little pamphlet called, Dinosaurs and The Bible? It sheds some serious light on the historical context of giant reptiles and exposes the errors in evolutionary thinking.
To all evolutionists out there I say, were you there? No, but God was, and he dictated the events of The Book of Genesis to that Moses guy, so we can infer from vague, later passages in The Bible that a pair of T Rex were on that giant boat Noah built. (I don’t think Phil Collins had anything to do with it, but I could be mistaken.) Feeble attempts such as THIS, which utilize basic common sense and rudimentary scientific knowledge to prove their point shall be summarily dismissed.
Because let’s be honest- the inclusion of a bad-ass dino-riding savior would make church way more interesting. I think it also opens the door for the possibility of dinosaurs interacting with other famous historical figures, like Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.
That’s right, ladies, it’s your own fault if your husband refuses to take the downtown train like Rod Stewart. Confused as to why? Most likely because you’re not shooting harsh antiseptic chemicals up your vadge to kill the cooties that incubate there.
Allow me to simplify for the uneducated housewife. “Cooties” is a scientific term for lady-germs. It comes from the same Latin origin as the word “cooter,” which literally means “flesh sauna.” If a man is frequenting a public sauna, he will naturally want to wear protective footwear. But just because you are lucky enough to have a private sauna installed in your own home does not mean scheduled maintenance should be neglected. Said maintenance falls under the jurisdiction of the lady of the house. If a feminine sauna is not properly seen to, it’s off to the local YMCA, where it’s fun for a frigid husband to stay!
If Lysol is not your twat sanitizer of choice, you might prefer their competitor- Zonite! When you absolutely need to eliminate that natural feminine odor and wreak havoc on the PH of your body, Zonite is the douche for you! Zonite is also good for paint stripping and de-greasing kitchen appliances. Now available in both lemon and “new car” scents. Try some today!
This year marks the 30th anniversary of seminal punk rock act Bad Religion. Seminal as in highly influential, but also metaphorically, as in “pertaining to or consisting of semen”, because from an evolutionary standpoint they are the seed that spawned countless bastard musical progeny. That would make co-founder and lead singer, Greg Graffin, the patriarch of modern melodic punk rock, but please, let’s not punish him for the sins of the son. Stubborn children need to learn from their own mistakes.
This brings a tear of joy to my eye, like seeing my little boy all grown up and off to college. The jabber was one of the first on the Human Centipede bandwagon (see post HERE) way back in July ’09 while all y’all suckas slept. Now HC is getting shoutouts on the Emmys and even cats are getting in on the action.
But the real reason we brought you all here is because we have a special announcement to make. Now that HC is leaving the nest on DVD and Blu-ray, it is time for a new bundle of joy to enter this world. Which is why we are proud to present the first official teaser trailer for The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence!!!!!!!!!!!! (That sentence gets twelve exclamation points, one for each person in the new human centipede!) Click on Six to check it out, where you’ll be treated to a glimpse of the new villain, accompanied by promises/threats of rampant medical inaccuracy. That’s right. We said INaccuracy.
