Category Archives: Television

Ghoul Chat: Four Dudes Engage In A Kissing Contest

Posted on November 18, 2011 | 3 Comments
Kissing Contest

MS Paint Holocaust: Why does this naked chick have a belt on and why does she have a belly button where her vagina should be?

This week I was invited to make a guest appearance on the awesome fun-time homosexual podchat program know as KISSING CONTEST. Yeah, I’d never heard of it either. But it’s not often I’m offered speaking engagements, so I begrudgingly humbly accepted the offer. The popular cast is billed as being about movies, television, and sweet boys, and I was assured its rabid fanbase numbered in the tens. It’s hosted by a couple of sleazy white dudes and their young Asian cohort, and is broadcast at 1.21 gigawatts of power from Sawyer’s love den in the heart of the Brooklyn ghetto.

We mainly talked about horror movies and cracked a bunch of racially insensitive jokes. I was a little concerned about my annoying “on air” voice, but was assured I sounded like a regular TBD (tough black dude), which soothed my ego.  Unfortunately, that was filthy a lie. When I actually got a chance to listen the cast, I sounded exactly like the whiny Jew that I am.  C’est la vie.

La vie.

Check out Ghoul Chat: Kissing Contest #63 right HERE. Seriously, support these guys. They live in a crack house.

→ 3 Comments

Posted in Film, Racism, Television

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Mess With The Hitler and You Get The Girl

Posted on August 15, 2011 | Leave a comment
Girl Hitler Sieg Heil!

You mess with the girl, YOU GET THE HITLER!

Who knew the character of Girl Hitler from The Venture Bros was based on historical fact? This is almost as insane as the time the military spent over 7 million dollars developing a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. (HERE)

via The Daily Mail:

With no end to the Second World War in sight, British spies came up with a plan to lace Adolf Hitler’s food with female sex hormones to curb his aggressive impulses.

Agents planned to smuggle doses of oestrogen into his food to make him less aggressive and more like his docile younger sister Paula.

Uh, I believe it’s spelled estrogen? Silly Brits.

Hitler Tits

I am as happy as a little girl

While pretty ingenious, this would have been a bad idea for a number of reasons:

Everybody loves tits. Put a pair of torso nads on the most evil man who ever lived and you run the risk of making him more popular than he already is. The hormones might have mellowed him out, but the development of secondary female sex characteristics would have inspired even more devotion in his followers. The sexier a world leader is, the more powerful they are. Just ask Margaret Thatcher.

Secondly- I can’t really think of a second reason. Maybe this would have worked. Maybe Auntie Adolf would have moved to New York City and gotten involved in the club scene, becoming a wealthy socialite and world renown fashion icon. You never know…

Amanda-Lepore-Hitler

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Cartoons, History, Sexuality, Television

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Courtney Stodden Is A Forty Year Old Transvestite Prostitute

Posted on August 7, 2011 | 1 Comment

Hutchison Stodden

For those of you feigning outrage over the marriage of Courtney Stodden to that aging lesbian who was on Lost for like five seconds:

Whoever the fuck she is, wherever the fuck she came from- she is not 16. Look at her face.

Stodden BodMaybe she is a cougar from the future, whose cryogenically  frozen head was thawed and grafted onto the body of a much younger woman. Or maybe she was mauled by a dog and needed face replacement surgery, and the only available donor was a 40 year old transvestite prostitute. Maybe this is a brilliant piece of post-modernist performance art commenting on the sexualization of children in the media. Or maybe she’s just some old-ass gold digger who works out a lot, pulling a fast one on a creepy horndog.

Or maybe, this whole thing is a fucking publicity stunt perpetrated by a second rate TV actor and a wannabe celebucunt.

You can’t tell me this video is serious. Are people that deluded about their creative capabilities? It literally sounds like the inside of an asshole. For those lucky enough to have missed it, but masochistic enough to press play, I present Courtney Stodden performing her debut single, Don’t Put Your Old Man Jizz On Me (Because The Ending of Lost Sucked).


Alright, maybe it is serious. This bitch is dumb as a bag of retarded hammers. Are you ready to cringe? Get ready to cringe. Here she is talking to some cable access priest with a speech impediment whose only sexual experience involved a notary embosser and the underside of an altar boy’s bean bag. Makes me want to stab humanity in the uterus.

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Music, Sexuality, Television, Underage Pussy

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Bunny Cunni

Posted on July 21, 2011 | 1 Comment

Bunny Cunni

Or, 19th Century Women Have Taken Their Love of Rabbits A Little Too Far.

Or, Films I Haven’t Seen That Contain Rabbit On Woman Sex That A Malaysian With Bad Grammar Is More Qualified To Review Than I.

So I’ll let him take it away. Via L2 Movies Talk, your new favorite movie review site:

From the ever erotica director, Walerian Borowczyk, a very good film of showing the immoral women behaviour in 3 parts of different short stories. Kinda love it except the 3rd story Marie. I preferred the 1st one which show how bad a woman can be when they wanted to. Wow, i m gonna find Borowczyk’s production :)

Immoral-Women-Cover

2nd woman – Marceline
Marceline is young and slut, she has a rabbit name Pinky. She always play with her rabbit and let it tickle her pussy. She ignore her parents and her parents get angry and cook her rabbit and force her to eat it. Marceline get angry and ran away, she ran to Petrus the black butcher and seduce him. Petrus rape Marceline in the barn and discovered she’s a virgin. He thought Marceline was dead and hang himself in the barn, but later on discover Marceline was not dead and ask for help. Marceline did not help and left him hang to dead, she then take away Petrus’ knife and slash her parents throat while they are sleeping.

water-dancer-rabbit-vibrator

Wow, never come between a girl and her rabbit. We here in the future have learned that lesson well and now encourage Lepine lovin’ (see above pic of bunny and “water dancer”). I guess young Marceline didn’t believe in reciprocating, because although she enjoyed when her bunny ate her, she didn’t enjoy eating her bunny.

On a tenuously related note, you know who else was a water dancer?

Arya Water Dancer

You’re all going to hell.

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Bestiality, Books, Film, Sexuality, Television

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Battle of the Black Dads

Posted on May 27, 2011 | 3 Comments

Black Dads

Four men enter, one man leaves. Who will emerge victorious?

George Jefferson- Wait a minute, did the Jeffersons even have kids? I vaguely remember them adopting a little blond-haired, blue-eyed child in a later season, but I could be mistaken. I would hate to see George eliminated on a technicality, because he’s probably the most badass father of the bunch. He had an amazing ferocity to him that was fueled by his hatred of whitey.

Lionel Jefferson! That was the name of his son. George had such a hands-off approach to child-rearing, he hardly seemed a father at all. Plus, Lionel was played by like three different actors over the years, so it was hard to keep track of him.

Bill Cosby- Don’t be fooled by his senile old man act- this squirrely bastard is a formidable foe. He’ll confuse challengers with one of his multi-colored sweaters and then use his epileptic dance moves to evade their attacks. Bibbity bop! Then he’ll tell them what poor fathers they are and that they are failures as black men and Carl Winslow will probably cry.

Carl Winslow- He’s a cop, so he’s got corruption on his side. Plus, he’s packing heat. It’s too bad he was such a pussy, always kowtowing to his domineering wife and fucking around with that bitch, Urkel. He was a decent father though, so maybe he can team up with Bill against the tougher dads before The Cos lays the socially conscious smackdown on them all.

Uncle Phil- Yes, I know this is about dads, but that was his name- Uncle Phil. This mountain of a man is the most physically imposing of the group and could give George Jefferson a run for his surly. Plus, he’s a lawyer, so if by some chance they beat him in a fight, he can sue the shit out of them. Then Carlton will dance and everything will be okay.

And the winner is…

America, because for those of us who didn’t have our own, these black dads have been coming into our homes via the TV for as long as we can remember, enriching our lives with their wit and wisdom, helping us to become men. Happy Black Father’s Day, everyone!

→ 3 Comments

Posted in African American, Music, Television

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Kirk Cameron Is Smarter Than Stephen Hawking

Posted on May 25, 2011 | Leave a comment
Kirk Cameron mocks Stephen Hawking

Kirk Cameron does his best Stephen Hawking impersonation

Step roll aside, Stephen Hawking, there’s a new sheriff in genius town, and his name is Kirk Cameron! He was appointed by God (IE: self-appointed) and carries a banana on his hip, just in case you decide to get ornery. It is perfectly formed to fit his hand, and contains three shots of potassium infused righteousness for anyone foolish enough to practice their scientific witchcraft out in the open.

From The Guardian UK:

A belief that heaven or an afterlife awaits us is a “fairy story” for people afraid of death, Stephen Hawking has said.

“I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers…”

Oh no he didn’t!

Stephen Hawking with Strippers

Hey Kirk, let me introduce you to MY friend Boner...

Enter Mike Seaver, super christian, because the almighty God needs washed-up actors to protect him from crippled bullies.

Via TMZ:

Cameron tells us, “Professor Hawking is heralded as ‘the genius of Britain,’ yet he believes in the scientific impossibility that nothing created everything and that life sprang from non-life.”

You know, instead of believing in the scientific impossibility that life is the product of an all-powerful creator that itself had no beginning. That’s much more plausible (and provable!)

He adds, “Why should anyone believe Mr. Hawking’s writings if he cannot provide evidence for his unscientific belief that out of nothing, everything came?”

I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure there was a little something called “The Big Bang,” which there is plenty of scientific evidence for (as opposed to the complete lack of empirical evidence provided for intelligent design. Sorry, bananas.) As for “something” springing from “nothing,” science has been pretty upfront about not knowing what preceded The Big Bang, yet you don’t see them making up fairy stories to fill in the blanks.

And then there’s this, the most homoerotic proof of God’s existence ever:

By that rationale, according to the top comment:

Bananas are perfectly shaped to fit in your ass, god must had meant for us to sodomize each other with them

Out of the mouths of babes!

Then that capricious little imp called FACTS has the audacity to piss in Kirk’s holy eye. It’s not as good as the anus argument, but it works:

These morons don’t even realize that the modern banana has been genetically engineered and came from a mutant or evolved strain of the plantain. The original plantain does not fit so well into your hand and wasn’t even easily edible.

Your move, Kirk. Your move.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Religion, Science, Television

Tagged , , , , , , ,

The Olsen Twins Are Adorably Racist

Posted on April 14, 2011 | 2 Comments

Aw… This is even cuter than a Prussian Blue video! Makes you long for the days when people still wanted to have sex with the Olsen twins. You know, before they turned 18.

Said clip comes from a little cinematic gem know as Birth of a Nation II To Grandmother’s House We Go. What I want to know is, who’s their grandmother? Gertrud Scholtz-Klink? And how is it nobody at Warner Bros. objected to this? I know this was released in the early 90′s, which is practically pre-civil rights, but still. Studios pay someone to measure the cubic volume of an actor’s crotch bulge; how does throwing chicken at a black guy fly under the radar?

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Film, Racism, Television

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Before They Were Famous: Mastodon’s Brent Hinds in “The Abyss”

Posted on April 12, 2011 | 10 Comments

Brent Hinds - The Abyss

Little known fact: before he was shredding balls like wheat, Mastodon guitarist Brent Hinds was best known for yucking it up Hillbilly style in James Cameron’s underwater epic The Abyss. Hinds was a natural as Appalachian oil-rigger Sonny Dawson, and masterfully imbued the character with every ounce of his proud Alabamian upbringing. The film would go on to win the Academy Award for best visual effects, due in part to the CGI technology required to cover up the actor’s  extensive face tats.

Jamie Hyneman - The Abyss

Also in The Abyss, a young Jamie Hyneman as Lieutenant Hiram “Hot” Coffey, the psychotic SEAL with HPNS. (Get it? Cameron named the jittery, high-strung guy COFFEY. He so subtle.) As you can see, the future Mythbuster had already perfected his patented scowl and taken to wearing brimless hats. His mustache, however, had yet to come into its own.

Oh yeah- and if those aliens were so smart, why didn’t they know their technology would fuck with the subs electronics? The whole incident could easily have been avoided. Jerks.

→ 10 Comments

Posted in Film, Metal, Music, Science, Television

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Sleeveless Pedophiles From The 90′s Want To Molest Our Children

Posted on April 5, 2011 | Leave a comment

Remember how scary the internet was in the 90′s? Parents wouldn’t even leave their kids alone in the same room as a computer for fear it would suck them into the screen a la Poltergeist (cue creepy little girl voice saying, “You’ve got maaaaaaaaaaail.”) It was like the satanic panic of the 80′s, only with anonymous dudes wearing sleeveless shirts, pretending to be little girls while eating pork rinds in the dark.

creepy computer mystery

Lookin for love in all the wrong places

But kids these days are so computer savvy, it’s hard to imagine they’d fall for the ole I’m-a-twelve-year-old-girl-let’s-meet-at-the-mall schtick. If anything, in this day and age of Chris Hansen and To Catch A Predator, it is the pedophile that needs to be more cautious while trolling the web (trolling as in fishing, not as in being a cyber-jerk.) Where are the PSA videos for them? It’s only fair that they are made aware of the dangers of meeting people on the internet, too.

Big ups to Tha Big Gunz for this throwback of pedophilic panic.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Sexuality, Television, Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , ,

All this drinking, violence, destruction of property… are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish?

Posted on March 17, 2011 | 1 Comment

Simpsons Drunk Irish

Yes it is, Kent. Yes it is.

Also, Darby O’Gill and the Little People and Leprechaun in the Hood, two classics of Irish cinema.

I couldn’t find a clip with the quote I wanted, and I didn’t want to link to some sketchy streaming site, so you’ll have to settle for this. Same episode.

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Cartoons, Television

Tagged , , , , ,