Category Archives: Uncategorized

Search Terms of Hilarious Note: On Stranger Tides

hilarious search terms

Like Pirates of the Caribbean, we probably didn’t need a fourth installment, but what’s good enough for the studio machine is good enough for us. A lot of these terms correspond to actual posts I’ve written, as weird as they are, but some of them are so ridiculous that I have no idea what these people were thinking.

angels are assholes- They sure are. Just because they are invisible doesn’t give them the right to push our grandmothers down the stairs or watch our teenage sisters lather up their breasts in the shower. Oh wait, that was me.

naked woman 5ft 8 inches- The specificity of people’s predilections are astounding.

22 inches of dick- Kind of like Bubble Tape, only shorter… and with dick. Comes in classic pink. And grape.

common butt cheek tattoos- I challenge this Googler to find me even one pair of matching ass tattoos. They are like snowflakes. No two are the same.

i wanna be the ass- You already are, buddy.

mentally challenged sexy- Um… no.

manimal love- Who doesn’t love this short-lived television series about a shape-shifting doctor who fights crime?

jizz and vodka- It’s called a bukkake shot. Delicious.

james cameron worm rape- Your sordid past is finally coming back to haunt you, Jim.

orang-utan slut- Orangutan sluts need not apply. Orang-utans only, please.

aliens fly like this- This sounds like the setup to an intergalactic Def Comedy Jam joke. “And white guys fly like this…”

http://www.nature rape scen- You’re in luck! I just checked Go Daddy, and this domain is still available. Get it while it’s hot!

girl self lick barrel- A barrel?!?!

i can haz sister- Incest has never been LOL-ier.

unicorn shitting cupcakes- Unfortunately, they are vegan, so they still taste like shit.

mike sorrentino ass penis and naked photos- Someone really wants to see this shithead’s ass-penis.

how to suck your own dick in one night/how to suck your own dick tricks/how to definitely suck own dick- A trifecta of desperation.

how to massage women breast for lust- Because I already know how to massage them for money and power.

black swan…did natalie really get ate out- No, but your grammar got fucked.

rape sean- What did poor Sean ever do to you?

why does belly button tickle genitals- Because belly button is a dirty pervert, that’s why.

tuna can dick google images- Believe it or not, Tuna Can Dick is a small town in the Midwest and is visible on Google Earth.

site:answers.yahoo.com netflix child nudity- Where to begin with this? The FBI is on their way to your home as we speak.

how fill ass water- Ass thirsty please tell.

fat waman pres tite to give milk- What I want to know is how to pres fat waman tite for lust.

nazi pterodactyl porn- When plain old nazi or pterodactyl porn just won’t suffice. Chocolate and peanut butter, baby.

shamed japanese beastiality- As opposed to proud Japanese bestiality?

martin luther king jr wants- Is this an actual list? Like Richard Nixon’s enemies list? What does he want? The suspense is killing me!!!

perverted 3d glasses- And you thought regular glasses were perverted.

shit all over her- Is that an order?

how far into galaxy of terror is the erotic caterpillar scene- You mean the intergalactic worm rape scene? You say potato…

justin bieber very very verybig dick penis on water- Seriously, what the fuck does this mean? Why is his penis on water? Why does it have to be very very verybig and not just very or very very? Who is searching for this shit? What do they expect to find? And why does this lead to my blog?!?!?!? It makes no sense!

More SEARCH TERMS

Sleeveless Pedophiles From The 90′s Want To Molest Our Children

Remember how scary the internet was in the 90′s? Parents wouldn’t even leave their kids alone in the same room as a computer for fear it would suck them into the screen a la Poltergeist (cue creepy little girl voice saying, “You’ve got maaaaaaaaaaail.”) It was like the satanic panic of the 80′s, only with anonymous dudes wearing sleeveless shirts, pretending to be little girls while eating pork rinds in the dark.

creepy computer mystery

Lookin for love in all the wrong places

But kids these days are so computer savvy, it’s hard to imagine they’d fall for the ole I’m-a-twelve-year-old-girl-let’s-meet-at-the-mall schtick. If anything, in this day and age of Chris Hansen and To Catch A Predator, it is the pedophile that needs to be more cautious while trolling the web (trolling as in fishing, not as in being a cyber-jerk.) Where are the PSA videos for them? It’s only fair that they are made aware of the dangers of meeting people on the internet, too.

Big ups to Tha Big Gunz for this throwback of pedophilic panic.

Average Penis Size World Map Confirms Stereotypes, China’s Biggest (smallest) Fears

Average Penis Size World Map

Click to enlarge (the jokes write themselves!)

Map via chinaSMACK.

No wonder American women are running for the border, going black and never coming back and emigrating to Canada (she told me it was strictly for the health care!) Not only does this map confirm stereotypes, it confirms why our women aren’t taking the small-dick-boat to China.

It’s funny- chinaSMACK finds and translates popular stories from Chinese language websites, and they have put their own unique slant (should I use a different word?) on the material in their title:

World penis length map published. Korean males capture the crown

And if you think that’s racist, check out this completely serious and scientific map that correlates IQ scores with average penis size. You can’t have it all, Asia!

Now all we need is a map comparing the distribution of pencil dicks vs. tuna cans.

Worm Rape Scene From Galaxy of Terror is Like The Rape Scene From Straw Dogs on an Intergalactic Level

Skip to the 1:30 mark is you are so horny you can’t make it through the foreplay (cue Boston song.)

This was posted on IO9 a while back, but they weren’t able to put it into the greater context of filmic depictions of rape. Although not immediately apparent, this scene has a lot in common with the controversial rape scene in Sam Peckinpah’s  Straw Dogs. As in Peckinpah’s violent opus, the rape scene in Galaxy of Terror can be viewed as ambiguous. At first, the character of Dameia resists the advances of the mutant space worm, the way a woman would resist the “charms” of (IE: attempted rape by) Sean Connery in an early Bond film. But as she is covered in lubricating sex acid and her clothing disintegrates, a funny thing happens- she begins to enjoy it. She catches the rhythm and grinds along with the thrusts of the worm, accepting her erotic fate. In space, no one can hear you scream as you are worm-sexed to death.

galaxy of terror poster

As with Straw Dogs, the rape scene in Galaxy of Terror had to be trimmed to appease the MPAA. A grind here, a thrust there- anything to lessen the complicit nature of the act. Ironically, with Dogs, that only served to support the impression that the victim enjoyed the assault. With Terror, all it did was deprive the audience of a few extra seconds of worm rape. Sweet, sweet worm rape.

This is all documented with appropriate humor on the recent DVD release of the landmark B film. Unfortunately for you space-pervs out there, the offending material is long gone, so there won’t be any unrated director’s cut any time ever.

And if you think you can write a piece about Galaxy of Terror without using the term “worm rape” as many times as I did, you’re more than welcome to try.

Previously: Galaxy of Terror encapsulated review.

You Guys Heard Of This Thing Called Facebook, Right?

And Twitter? Cuz we’re on all the hip social networking sites. It would totally stroke our collective ego if you guys liked/followed us where appropriate and encouraged your friends to do the same. This is what they call a “pledge drive” in public broadcasting. We will only return to regularly scheduled programming when our demands goals are met.

thejamminjabber

Like thejamminjabber on Facebook!!!

Follow thejamminjabber on Twitter.

Another Tasty Helping Of Search Terms Of Hilarious Note

hilarious search terms

Yet another batch of terms that have brought people to my blog. At this point the FBI have got to be monitoring me. May God have mercy on our souls…

jamie lynn spears spears her pussy cheeks- This sounds like a tropical fishing trip gone awry. Or maybe someone has a celebrity labial piercing fetish. Or maybe it’s just a really weird typo.

tiffany 80 naked- Somebody likes old ladies and thinks Google can look into the future. Probably the same guy who was disappointed in THIS.

consebt showel art- I couldn’t figure this one out, so I tried it myself. Not one hit came up. So I let Google correct and search for consent shovel art, which resulted in pages and pages of returns. I skimmed through about five and found nothing jabber related.

why is it sore when u lick your pipit- That’s a good question, son. Sit on Daddy’s lap and I’ll tell you all about it.

susan sarandon in the fucking department- I can’t believe someone actually thought this would return a detailed description of Suzie Q’s skillz in the sack. It sounds more like an erotic municipal job description.

never go full homo- Uh, you can’t type warnings into Google. No one is going to learn from your mistakes that way, Mr. Anti-gay religious zealot caught being gay.

water in ass- It’s called an enema, genius. Unless you are Coco, then it is called my dream come true.

splice are we interested alien sex- Why are you asking the movie? You are pretty much answering your own question just by watching.

harry potter facefuck- This just sounds angry and violent to me. I picture a brutish, overweight nerd sitting in front of his computer dressed as Hermione, stroking his cock with one hand as he types.

highly controversial: sexy underage sucks finger like its natural to get- I have no idea what this means, but it is by far the best of the bunch. The specificity is what makes it so funny. I am also slightly aroused.

More SEARCH TERMS

Ten in 2010: The Top 10 Top 10 Lists of 2010

Top Ten of 2010

Top Ten Sex Offender Registry Reviews

This isn’t a list of which state has the best sex offenders, merely a list of which state is most aware of its sex offenders. I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but yeah Florida! Way to be the place where creepy, old pedophiles who aren’t very discreet go to die.

Pet Groomer Forums Top Ten Anal Gland Requests

After reading the authors description of what this list is about… I’m still not sure what this list is about:

This is my list of the top 10 things people have asked for when they wanted to ask me to express their dogs anal glands.

Top Ten Anti Gay Activists Caught Being Gay

I’m totally gay for this list. I love the fact that 9 out of 10 hypocritical religious homophobes turn out to be closet ass pirates. Shiver me timbers!

Top Ten Quotes From Early Marvel Comics Covers That Would Be Awkward To Yell During Sex

Personally, I would have called this list: Top Ten Quotes From Marvel Comics That I Will Absolutely Start Yelling During Sex. It’s clobberin’ time!

Top Ten Monkey Attack Videos

The awesomeness is self explanatory.

wayne's world top 10

Top Ten Rap Songs White People Love

I’m white, and I’ve been known to perform The Humpty Dance during Karaoke a time or seven.

Top Ten “Ouuu Shit Moments”

These pictures are pretty awesome, but it was the spelling in the title that secured its place on the list. Try saying it out loud like a surprised Asian dude. Trust me.

Top Ten Genital Demons In Shin Megami Tensei

I don’t know what Shin Megami Tensei is, but if there is one thing repressed Japanese people know, it is freaky anime demon sex.

Top Ten Creepiest Sex Scenes In Superhero Movies

This list should just really be called The Top Ten Shitty Superhero Movies.

The Top 10 Youngest Most Retarded Ass, Need A Mouth Bustin, Wish One of These Mofos Would Talk Like This To Me, Heffas On Maury Povich

Which is not actually a list, but contains a vid entitled Top Ten Sluttiest Girls On Maury for your viewing pleasure.

Get To Second Base With Microsoft’s Kinect

Regurgitated from the press release, via Gamernode (which is a dirty joke in and of itself):

FIRST WORKING DEMO OF KINECT CONTROLLER FOR SEX GAMES INTERFACE!

thriXXX software gmbh, the world’s leading provider of 3D role playing game sex simulation videogames, is adding support for Microsoft’s xBox Kinect device to its line of 3DSexGames titles available at http://www.3dsexgames.com.

Booooooooring. But if you go to http://www.3dsexgames.com, holy shit is that a glory hole of comedy gold, including drilldos, footjobs, and full V-Stroker support!

Virtual Sex

Not only that, there is a whole community of people out there, waiting to participate in a myriad of simulated sexual activities that don’t involve actual human interaction. We’re talking golden showers, pleasuring freakishly large-breasted women, zero G space sex, whatever the hell that last one is… You can even live out your fantasy of being a stud Lambo mechanic who gets under the hoods of cars by day and under the hoods of racer sluts by night.

Video Game Sex

Lambo-Sex

We’ve come a long way since the days of Custer’s Revenge for Atari 2600, although none of the current gen of sex games can even come close to the subversive joy of having pixelated revenge-sex with a bound and gagged squaw. Air-groping some cartoon boobs seems tame by comparison. And sucks for you, Microsoft has already vowed to block such applications of their hardware. So you’re stuck making like The Lawnmower Man and sticking your dick in your USB Fleshlight.

Millionaire Owner of Segway Company Dies in Freak Segway Accident: Foul Play Suspected

Jimi Heselden Death

The best laid plans...

From The Telegraph:

Jimi Heselden, 62, plunged into the River Wharfe at a spot close to his home in Boston Spa, near Wetherby, West Yorkshire.

It is thought he lost control of one of the all-terrain versions of the machine as he travelled along a rutted bridleway close to his estate on Sunday morning.

First off, the irony of a man’s death by his own much ridiculed product is too delicious to ignore. Secondly, rutted bridleway?

What The Telegraph doesn’t tell you is that it is a well-known secret that Heselden’s wife was involved in an ongoing affair with XJ-17, one of Segway’s very first prototypes and Jimi’s best friend. Sources close to the family who wish to remain anonymous have said XJ was pressuring Julie to divorce Heselden and ride away with him, but she was reluctant to give up the lavish lifestyle she had become accustomed to. It is suspected that XJ took matters into his own wheels and launched himself and Heselden off a cliff in a final defiant act of love. A young couple on a nature hike that morning claim they heard “if I can’t transport her, no one can…” reverberate across the woods.

I Want To Fill Coco’s Ass With Water and Take A Bath In It

Via The Superficial:

Coco's Ass

Tickle the donkey's chin for the asstacular NSFW version

…and then I’m gonna drink that shit. Coco beware!

Gigantic Ass

Coco ain't got nothin' on me!

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