As if fathers didn’t have enough to worry about, there is a disturbing new trend sweeping the nation. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you have a virginal young daughter on the precipice of womanhood, chances are she’s already filmed herself in an inappropriate romp with the family pet and uploaded it to youtube.
I don’t remember exactly how I stumbled upon this particular perverted Wonderland, but it is entirely possible I was chasing a white rabbit at the time. Needless to say, if I wasn’t on some sort of FBI watch list before, I most certainly am now.
But they won’t catch me; I’m fucking innocent. And these vids are totally street legal (even though most of the participants aren’t, canines included).
Now there are two ways I can roll with this. One, shine a light on how masturbating miscreants are getting their legal fix of illegal kicks right under our noses; or two, address the deeper issue at hand, which is this: no matter how much a lady doth protest, she is secretly turned on by letting Rover come over and giving that dog a bone.
And as recent studies indicate (and by “studies” I mean me studying these videos), this perplexing predilection seems to manifest itself during the onset of a young girl’s adolescence. Not convinced this is actually a thing? All you have to do is click the “watch on youtube” button on any one of these videos and check out the aggregate of sexually curious pre-teens documenting their forays into simulated canine copulation. Sure, these exploits have been filmed under the pretense of humor (or the influence of alcohol), but something in the arched backs and raised posteriors of these young girls tells me there is a taboo element of excitement as well.
Used to be, a father’s biggest concern was how to keep his daughter down on the farm after sending her to a racially integrated high school. Now he’s got to worry about Princess liking the farm a little too much. Survey says, his number one nightmare used to be a Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner scenario. Now it involves Great Danes and “knotting.”
What’s a daddy to do? Get her a cat? My high school girlfriend had a cat that would fly across the room and scratch you in the face if you looked it in the eye. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that furry prick was probably a jealous lover.
You could get her a hamster. Just don’t let her name it Lemmiwinks. Goldfish are also an option, unless your daughter is Japanese. Those guys are into some weeeeeeird shit. But if you really want to play it safe, you should probably just get her a pet rock. One that’s not too smooth, either. You don’t want her using it as some sort of pleasure pumice.
Add this to the ever increasing list of reasons why I never want a daughter of my own.
Maybe she is a cougar from the future, whose cryogenically frozen head was thawed and grafted onto the body of a much younger woman. Or maybe she was mauled by a dog and needed face replacement surgery, and the only available donor was a 40 year old transvestite prostitute. Maybe this is a brilliant piece of post-modernist performance art commenting on the sexualization of children in the media. Or maybe she’s just some old-ass gold digger who works out a lot, pulling a fast one on a creepy horndog.
