Nice Beard!

Ah, the enigma that is Kirk Hammett. The only thing more confusing than his sexuality is the ethnic potpourri that is his background. (My money is on some sort of Irish/Philipino/Eskimo mix.) Anyways, this traumatic childhood event might be the key to unlocking the mystery of his Hammesexuality.

From some website called StarPulse:

Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett is still scarred by the childhood memory of his neighbor having sex with his dog. The rocker was just 11 when stumbled across his pet dog Tippy being penetrated by his next door neighbor.

He tells Britain’s Q magazine, “The guy took down his pants and started having sex with the dog! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. When he got up, I just took the dog and left. She was still wagging her tail.”

Poor Kirk. No wonder he had to sneak a peek at Lars’ pasty ass during all those post-concert shower orgies.

You want proof? Click HERE for hot Ulrich on Hammett action!!! Turn the volume up nice and loud, especially if you are at work. Now if only Paul Stanely would come out of the closet.

All aboard the Tranny Town Express! Next stop, metoidioplasty!

Duff has been getting manlier by the minute, and this seems to be the logical next step in her TRANS-formation from Disney slut to full blown shemale. How do you compete when you’re not as pretty/talented/interesting as your contemporaries? Establish a niche market.

Her chiseled good looks have already caught the eye of John Cusack, chick friendly actor and noted dandy fop, who cast her in the cinematic bowel movement, War Inc. Said turd is currently enjoying a 23% rating over at Rotten Tomatoes. Stick to playing pussies and stay out of politics, Lloyd Dobler!

From Egotastic:

Duff is more of a man than John John will ever be, and he likes it that way. He likes strong women. They remind him of his sister, Joan. Are those two twins? I think their genders got switched in the womb. Kind of like a prenatal version of Freaky Friday.

I’ve been a huge (in the pants) fan of Russian softcore act t.A.T.u. since All The Things She Said, back when it was controversial enough to be two underage schoolgirls in love. These days you have to go full frontal or execute a pregnant lesbian in your video to generate publicity.

From Egotastic:

Maybe I should have read the entire post before I “got down to it.” There I was, “mid stride” when the shot of her distended belly came up. Ugh. That was the end of “that.” You know how I feel about pregnant bitches. Even hot lesbian ones.

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It has been an eventful couple of months. I got divorced, the cancer is in remission, and I am now a bronze medal wheat stooker in the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan.

Despite not posting anything new for almost two full months, I have still managed to draw a good deuce/three quarter deuce a day in hits. Never underestimate the public’s unflagging interest in bestiality and Jakob Dylan. Shocking, I know. Who would have thought so many people were into Bob’s not-so-secret shame?

Anyways, every since the scandal that was Farkgate, I’ve become a little disillusioned and come to the conclusion that blogs, like tattoos, are not as cool as they were before everyone had one. I will continue to contribute to the glut of e-pontification, but this is in no way a commitment to consistent content on my part. (Wow, I haven’t seen that many C-words in one place since Mother’s Day. Ba-ZING!)

Stay tuned…

My comrades and I in the mother-country. I’m the one next to Bogdana.

Thanks to Kevin for bringing this to my attention.

Legendary comedian cum humorless dick, Bill “Dr. Huxtable” Cosby is at it again, this time in book form. All puns intentional.

From Publishers Weekly:

With his at-times controversial social commentary fresh in the public mind, comedian Bill Cosby teams up with some psychiatrist named Alvin Poussaint to take a hard look at the state of black America, bearer of “more than their share of poverty,” and present ways to overcome the “deep-rooted” challenges of the poor-including crime, lack of education and broken families.

Basically, Cosby serves up a typewritten tongue-lashing, lambasting black America, placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of Hip Hop and the N word.

But is there something going on below the surface? And by surface, I mean right on the front cover? For all his talk of education, you think Cosby would have at least had someone proofread the title. Either that, or he’s trying to tell us that he’s a huge proponent of sticky faces. From the suggestive lack of punctuation to the peter-track footprints, I think all signs point to the later.

That’s right, the title of the book is Come On People. Not- Come On, People- Come On People. You see the difference? It’s amazing what a comma can do.

And you know what? Maybe he’s right. Maybe that’s the answer to all our problems. We should all just whip it out and spray liquid love all over each other. Cook up a tasty batch of Jello brand pudding peace. The world would be a better place.

From Shitertainment Weekly:

In Tropic Thunder, an epic action comedy co-written and directed by Stiller, Robert Downey Jr. plays Kirk Lazarus, a very serious Oscar-winning actor cast in the most expensive Vietnam War film ever. Problem is, Lazarus’s character, Sgt. Osiris, was originally written as black. So Lazarus decides to dye his skin and play Osiris authentically.

Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Stiller?

I’m not really a big Ben Stiller fan. In fact, the only thing drawing me to this is Downey in blackface (and technically, that’s not even blackface. It’s just a white dude playing a black guy.) Unless Downey is painting himself up with shoe polish and running around yelling Mammy like Al Jolson, I’ll wait for the DVD.

Note to self. Bring back minstrel shows. The people are ready.

This just appears to be Stiller’s way of stirring up some mild controversy, Wayans style. If you ask me, I don’t find this the least bit offensive. You know what is offensive? Cartoons.

Lactating ladies, beware! Next time your baby cries out for the sweet nectar that is mother’s milk, make sure it is not a horny primate in disguise looking to suckle at your teat! Those crafty beasts are stealing human faces in order to get their greedy mouths on our women, in an attempt to get them hooked on monkey-love. Their lips are practically prehensile, so imagine the repercussions when they move on to the vagina. Human men will become obsolete, and the earth will be over-run with virile half-breeds. They will don suits and ties, infiltrate the workplace and take over the world!

If we are lucky, maybe a few of us will be kept on as breeders, providing a fresh crop of pure-blooded human poon for the apes in power. The male children will be killed or eaten, while the females will be raised in an environment of erotic proportions. The man-apes will become addicted to the sweet meat and refuse to bone regular lady-apes anymore. But that will be their downfall, because then the lady-apes will get pissed that the human woman are taking all their men, and they will rise up with their rolling pins and smite the heads of those horny man-apes, allowing the rebel humans to overthrow the fascist ape regime and reclaim what is rightfully theirs! Damn you dirty apes!

Shut up and kiss me!

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From The Superficial:

Michael Lohan has yet to see the topless shots of Lindsay as Marilyn Monroe, according to Us Magazine:

“I’m not going to look at the photos — that’s my daughter!”

Hell, if she were my daughter I know I’d want to. I personally don’t see anything wrong with it. It’s like looking at naked baby pictures, only sexier (and probably less illegal.) The man claims he has no interest in the pictures, but I bet he’s already stapled them to the torso of a mannequin and given them all cute little pet names, like freckle-yams or slut-bucket. He’s probably caressing those crinkled magazine pages even as we speak, wishing he could bury his face in her luscious mammary-mounds and hide from the pain, like any normal father would.

Momma bear also seems to approve of the pictures, sending 14 year old slut-in-training Ali Lohan along to witness the proceedings. From The Superficial:

Dina felt the photos were “tastefully done” and defended Lindsay to People magazine:

“I wouldn’t have sent my 14-year-old to the set [if the shoot was in bad taste]. And obviously Lindsay wouldn’t do anything with her sister there, that was risqué.”

Frankly, I think the pictures speak for themselves.

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