In a feeble attempt to prove to the world that they are actually capable of kicking Nazis out of their country, the Cannes film festival has decided to ban Danish auteur Lars Von Trier for his controversial statements at Wednesday’s press conference. You know, 70 years after the fact. Too little, too late, guys.
To be fair, Von Trier was only giving the people what they want- controversy. It’s pretty clear from the above video that this isn’t a Mel Gibson style tirade (who, incidentally, the French paraded down the red carpet for The Beaver screening,) just one of the greatest comedic bombings of all time. This is the type of shit comedian
Dane Cook Jr. Daniel Tosh gets away with every week on his show. If Von Trier had better timing and the French had a better sense of humor, this whole thing would have played like gangbusters. Gangbusters I tells ya!
Another country to add to the hypocrite list? Argentina. Argentinian company DC has refused to distribute Von Trier’s new film, Melancholia, due to the director’s choice of stand-up material. This, despite the fact that said country has been harboring the Führer and his boys from Brazil for over half a decade. Worst misdirection ever.
Fight the power!
So let’s cut Von Trier some slack. The poor little imp is obviously suffering from some sort of identity crisis. He doesn’t know whether he is a Nazi, a Jew, or a bad-ass gangster rapper (as evidenced by his new tattoo.) It doesn’t help that he is clinically depressed, and has to work out his problems on the world stage. And let’s be fair, Cannes- if Mel Gibson and Woody Allen’s daughter-marrying ass are any indication, you’ll be back in love with Von Trier this time next week.
Posted in Film, History, Jews, Racism
Tagged Battle of France, Cannes, Daniel Tosh, Hitler, Holocaust, Lars von Trier, Mel Gibson, Melancholia, Michelle Bombshell McGee, Nazis, Pantera, Surrender Monkeys, The Beaver, We Come From France!
At least according to this guy. If he’s right, the Pope is either of the self-hating variety, or he just wants all that sweet, sweet dick for himself. Here’s a quote:
The Pope’s a fucking gay-ass jew-fag, a fucking homo-ass ganster jew, and a motherfucking queer. He’s probably also a n*gger.
And there you have it. That’s straight from the Newswire to your brain. Not much else to add, I just wanted an excuse to post that picture. You’d think ole’ Hutton would like Herr Benedict, what with his nazi background and all.
Who do you think would win in a fight? Gay Pope or Nazi Pope? I can’t decide. It’s like having to choose which of your children to save first in a fire.
Classic? It hasn’t even aired yet!
In what arena did this epic confrontation take place, you ask? Only the Thunderdome of quality entertainment that is the SyFy network. They’ve gone and produced a little movie called Mega-Python vs. Gatoroid, maybe you’ve heard of it? (And no, to answer your question, gatoroid is not a reptilian form of rectal inflammation.)
You really must click on the IO9 link and watch the high quality vid in all its sensual glory. If you grew up in the 80′s, your dick will thank you. Because not only do the former child pop stars get their cat fight on- but pies are involved. PIES! Only in my dreams could a soft-core fantasy of this magnitude occur (until now, that is.) It’s like my pubescent libido got into a time machine and traveled to an inevitable future where both singers were desperate for money. I know the gals already posed nuders for Playboy, but times must really be tough if you answer the phone when SyFy calls.
Posted in Film, Music, Sexuality, Television
Tagged Cat Fights, Celebrity Nudes, Debbie Gibson, Hemorrhoids, Mad Max, Mega-Python vs. Gatoroid, Mel Gibson, Pie Fights, Playboy, Sexual Fantasy, SyFy, The 80's, Thunderdome, Tiffany, Tina Turner
Remember how Mel Gibson threatened to kill Oksana Grigorieva over an interaction with their gardener? Turns out it happened during a placenta-burying ceremony in their backyard . Apparently Oksana smiled at the gardener, because ordering a man to handle the putrid waste expelled from your loins is a known seduction technique. Naturally, this prompted Mel to fly into a jealous rage, even though he’s the one who ordered the ceremony.
This is it- the catalyst that turned Mel’s life into an F5 level shit-tornado. It’s sad, because the whole thing could have easily been avoided. If your wife is a known hussy, you don’t let her strut around like a pig in heat while immigrant workers handle her womb leavings, you ship that slop off to some hippie artist to be crafted into a cuddly toy (that apparently needs to be hermetically sealed.) Nothing ensures the future scarring of your offspring like the prominent display of a trophy sewn out of your amniotic sac, except for maybe the public airing of their father’s hate-filled rants against women and minorities.
How does one prepare a vacated placenta for sewing, you ask? It’s simple. All you have to do is cut the fetid thing open, cure it with sea salt, dry it out, and then treat it with tannin and egg yolk. Doesn’t that sound yummy? I don’t know whether I want to make crafts with it or eat it, like a great big veiny omelet.
If only Mel had seen this post on Colt Monday, he wouldn’t be in this mess.
Did I do that... YOU FUCKING CUNT BITCH?!?!?!?!
Sources familiar with the police report tell us … the alleged victim claims White allegedly punched her in one of her breast implants while they were driving on Pacific Coast Highway two weeks ago, with an infant in the car. We’re told, she claims when they got home White allegedly slapped her, and pushed her into a toilet so hard it broke the tank.
Hahaha. First of all, he punched her specifically in the implant? Not in the breast? What is the point of that detail? Also, that must have been one big ass bitch or one cheap ass toilet.
I guess if you spend your entire childhood being identified as a lovable TV nerd, you’re gonna spend your entire adult life overcompensating for that with rage. Looks like transforming into Stefan Urquelle wasn’t enough (because that’s basically who he became as an adult.) Nothing says “real man” more than domestic violence. Why let Mel have all the fun? Keep your bitch in line and get free publicity. It’s a win win.
All the world’s a stage, but Hollywood, specifically, is some bizarre mutation of The Truman Show where the players are aware they are putting on a show while the observers are not. I postulate this- Hollywood life is entertainment. And I’m not just talking about reality TV. It should be obvious to any idiot with half a monkey-brain that that shit is a put-on. No, I’m talking about the day-to-day lives of so-called “celebrities” and socialites. Why make a movie when your life is a movie?
Take, for instance, the recent exploits of Lindsay Blohan and Mel “raped by a pack of n*ggers” Gibson. You can’t make that shit up. People can’t be that stupid. (Can they?) Hasn’t it ever occurred to anyone that this might be one gigantic stage play? They’re all in on it. The celebs, TMZ, the courts, the police- every one of them a professional actor. Hollywood is a postmodernist construct, providing vicarious next-level thrills in a world of cinematic decline. The only way to deliver pseudo-realism on such a grand scale is to substitute life as medium. It’s basically the real life version of Synecdoche, New York.
Not to get too topical, but the current Lohan court drama is so histrionic it borders on satire. She tweets about U.N. policy on torture, compares herself to an Iranian woman stoned for adultery, writes fuck U on her fingernail then displays it in court, calls the judge a fucking bitch, cries to her friends about how she’s not going to jail, drives her lawyer to quit- how could it not be scripted?
Then there’s good ole’ Mel, AKA SuperRacist. I won’t run down the list of quotes (you can find them HERE), but suffice to say a line as brilliant as, I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first, had to be written by a talent the caliber of a Mamet or a Tarantino. It’s misogyny as pure poetry.
No Foot Big Enough
If Hollywood is Truman, who is the Christof character in this situation? It can’t be Harvey Levin, that’s too obvious. There is probably some god-like executive in the sky who only communicates through a sightless intercessor pulling the strings. Like The Architect in The Matrix Reloaded, only less annoying, or The Great and Powerful Oz. It’s the only explanation. Otherwise, existence is just a dream within a dream inside a retarded dog’s head.
Posted in Celebrity Shit Heads, Current Events, Entertainment, Film, Racism
Tagged Hollywood, Jim Carrey, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Peter Weir, Postmodernism, Super Racist, Synecdoche New York, The Matrix, The Truman Show, TMZ, Wizard of Oz