Over a year ago it was announced that Canadian auteur David Cronenberg was attached to direct The Matarese Circle, a starring vehicle for Tom Cruise and Denzel Washington based on the novel by Robert Ludlum. Ugh. I immediately sat down and wrote an open letter to David (HERE), begging him to reconsider. Only 57 people read that post, but he must have been one of them, because guess what? He dropped that turd in favor of three cool-ass projects.
A DANGEROUS METHOD: Although it sounds like a bad Michelle Pfeiffer movie, this is actually about a psycho-sexual love triangle between Freud, Jung, and some chick played by Keira Knightly. Based on the stage play The Talking Cure, this has the potential to venture into Crash/Dead Ringers territory. The casting of Viggo and Fassbender is spot on, and almost makes up for the presence of Surfboard McLockjaw.
COSMOPOLIS: An adaptation of the Don Delillo novel about a young, urban professional on his way across town in a stretch limo to get a haircut. That’s right. Colin Farrell returns to the realm of confined spaces. but Phonebooth this is not. This is a slice of genius pie. Wait for the cream.
As she climbed across the table
AS SHE CLIMBED ACROSS THE TABLE: An adaptation of the novel by Motherless Brooklyn author, Jonathan Lethem. ASCATT is about yet another love triangle, this time between two academics and a laboratory created black hole. Say what? You wanted cream? THERE’S YOUR FUCKING CREAM!
A Dangerous Method is currently in production. Those other two better fucking happen. You hear me, David?
Posted in Film
Tagged A Dangerous Method, As She Climbe Across The Table, Colin Farrell, Cosmopolis, David Cronenberg, Denzel Washington, Don Delillo, Jonathan Lethem, Keira Knightly, Marion Cotillard, Michael Fassbender, Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Circle, The Talking Cure, Tom Cruise, Viggo Mortensen
Tom Cruise is in talks to star with Denzel Washington in “The Matarese Circle,” the David Cronenberg-directed adaptation of the Robert Ludlum thriller that MGM will put into production this year.
Why do you hate me so? I have been a faithful fan of your films for many years now, and this is how you repay me? First came word that you were working on a Ludlum adaptation. Then, it was announced it would be a starring vehicle for Denzel Washington. Now THIS!?!?! THE CRUISER?!?!? I sincerely hope they drove a dump truck full of money straight up to your house, because I can’t figure out any other reason why you’d want to make this film.
I’ve stood by you during your recent forays into “mainstream” storytelling, but this is a cinematic slap in the face. At least in Eastern Promises you gave us Viggo’s balletic wedding tackle. I just don’t see how you are going to make this material your own. Maybe you’ll give Denzel a killer armpit penis, or put a giant vagina in Tom Cruise’s chest. Maybe a parasitic leech will cause a massive sexual hysteria in the intelligence community. But I doubt it. This is a studio tent-pole with two huge stars and franchise potential. That’s right, franchise. Which means you’re gonna be locked in, buddy. Look at Sam Raimi. He’s been eating and shitting nothing but Spiderman for the last five years. That’s a good chunk of your life, and frankly, I don’t know how many years you’ve got left there, David. So do us all a favor- unless it is going to contain sex with scars, exploding heads, or Jeff Goldblum- don’t make this movie.
Posted in Film
Tagged David Cronenberg, Denzel Washington, Exploding Head, Jeff Goldblum, Matarese Circle, Robert Ludlum, Sam Raimi, Scanners, Spiderman, Tom Cruise, Viggo's Testicles