I'm glad we see eye to eye on this.
What’s the best way to incapacitate a sexy female vampire intent on exsanguination? How about a nice clove of garlic, right up the ole pooper shooter? Experts agree, wooden stakes are too messy, and not nearly as much fun. Plus, if you ruin the body, you won’t be able to impale it with your flesh stake later on. So butt play it safe. Protect ya neck by seasoning her ass-neck. Bung that hole and add some zest to that Transylvanian tossed salad.
Babel Fish Translation: ZOKK!
Babel Fish Translation: Suffering atrociously for the single vicinity garlic.
But how do you determine whether a refined young lady is a vampire or not? You don’t want to go around cramming vegetable matter into the anal cavity of every woman you meet. (You should wait until at least the second or third date for that.) So what’s a sexually dysfunctional vampire hunter to do? Why, make like Pee-wee Herman and get some shoe mirrors, of course! Then you invite the bitch over to dinner and do some panty peaking. If you catch a mirror full of muff, you’re all good. But if her vagina has no reflection, that means she’s a vampire, and you should run out and get the most bulbous piece of garlic you can find.
Babel Fish Translation: It compliments Gustave! You are also a perfect cook.
Babel Fish Translation: They are own sweetheart, in order to make a childish action similar
Posted in Comics, Sexuality
Tagged Ass Play, Dracula, Fumetti, Garlic Enema, Invisible Vagina, Jacula, Pee Wee Herman, Sexy Vampires, Vampires, Van Helsing
I know most of you don’t give a hoot about my “serious” journalistic work, but this is a big one. Anne Rice has sold so many books it’s intimidating. In fact, she could say the number while holding her pinky in front of her lips a la Dr. Evil- that’s how many books she’s sold. Nearly 100 million worldwide, to be precise, which makes her one of the most widely read authors in modern history (all this according to Wikipedia.) Let’s have a slice of excerpt pie, shall we?
Anne O’brien Rice has a bit of a history here at The Cult. Since lost in the great Drupal transfer of the aughts, the incident in question exists solely as hearsay and conjecture, bandied about the hallowed halls of the forum like some sort of literary urban legend. As the story goes, Ms. Rice didn’t take too kindly to comments made about her work by some keyboard critic and decided to open up a can of whup ass. Since there is no record of the event, it begs the question- if a bestselling author raises a stink and nothing exists to prove it, did it ever actually happen?
Check out the full interview over at ChuckPalahniuk.net, where Ms. Rice and I discuss everything from religion and God to calling out detractors on the internets.
That book cover is totally in itself! Whoa...
And how do you figure out how old an ass is? You count the rings!
I review Justin Cronin’s post apocalyptic doorstop over at ChuckPalahniuk.net
It’s already been referenced ad nauseum, so I will refrain from making any lazy Twilight comparisons in this review. Those sparkly bastards are too ingrained in the current zeitgeist as it is. Equally as unhelpful is flaccid hyperbole, ready-made blurbs along the lines of, “this ain’t your momma’s vampire novel.” Because The Passage barely qualifies as a vampire novel to begin with. This works in its favor, more often than not, helping set it apart from the rest of the haematophilic pack. Cronin hasn’t so much reinvented the genre as liberally borrowed from it, picking and choosing the perfect combination of fresh and familiar. The result? The successful synthesis of bound and jacketed mass appeal.
I feel a relapse coming on just looking at this picture.
Festival Fatigue is defined as a proportionate lack of patience in direct relation to the quality and quantity of films viewed in a short period of time. So was I a dick for flipping off the screen and walking out during The Revenant in front of the director? You be the judge.
Read all about it over at TWITCH. I am already receiving hate posts.
You can also read my encapsulated review HERE.
Lazy post alert!
Here is a handy roundup of all my recent review activity scattered around the interweb.
BOOK REVIEWS @ ChuckPalahniuk.net
Leather Maiden by Joe R. Lansdale
Let The Right One In by John Ajvide Lindqvist
The Compleat Motherfucker by Jim Dawson
Inherent Vice by Thomas Pynchon
The Pilo Family Circus by Will Elliot
God Is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens
Blindness by Jose Saramago
MOVIE REVIEWS @ TWITCH
Deadgirl directed by Marcel Sarmiento and Gadi Harel
MESRINE: L’instinct de mort and L’ennemi public n° 1 directed by Jean-François Richet
Written By directed by Ka-Fai Wai
The Forbidden Door directed by Joko Anwar
Bronson directed by Nicolas Winding Refn
Crush and Blush directed by Kyoung-mi Lee
The Clone Returns Home directed by Kanji Nakajima
Magazine Gap Road directed by Nicholas Chin
And finally, it’s a little older, but here is a fantastic interview I conducted with one of my favorite authors, Steve Erickson. Fantastic because of him, not because of me.
Next Stop, Zeroville
Wow, this post turned out to be more work than I thought.
Posted in Art, Books, Criticism, Film
Tagged Bronson, Chuck Palahniuk, Compleat Motherfucker, God Is Not Great, Joe R. Lansdale, Killer Clowns, NYAFF, Opinions Are Like Assholes, Reviews, Steve Erickson, The Clone Returns Home, Thomas Pynchon, Vampires, Vincent Cassel, Zeroville
Der Kommissar's in town
Freshly birthed and mewling over @ the Cult. Morrissey is the proud papa. Help mop up the afterbirth.
LET THE RIGHT ONE IN