I’ve got good news and bad news.
The good news is, it looks like Pippi Longstocking and Uncle Fester have heeded the call of outrage (MY outrage) and abandoned their plans to mutilate David Mitchell’s Cloud Atlas (for now.)
The bad news is, they’ve moved on to something worse. Much, much worse. It pains me to even think about it, so I’ll let I Watch Stuff do the talking:
With Ridley Scott’s version still fresh in our minds, Warner Bros. is already set to give the premise another shot with a modern, urban take on the Robin Hood myth, to be written and directed by the Wachowskis. Will Smith has reportedly already been contacted about playing this heroic robber of the gentrifiers, which I’ll take to mean he’s already negotiating to get his son in this as Will Scarlet.
If you needed any further proof that the Wachowskis are terrible filmmakers, you just got it. Signed, sealed, delivered. This idea is so abhorrent, it boggles my mind. A move like this can only be motivated by money. Money and stupidity. Besides, everyone knows there is only one true Robin of Locksley, and that is curly-locked, pre-Waterworld Kevin Costner. Everything I do, Kevin. Everything I do…
Halle Berry just confirmed the Wachowski’s next big project is Cloud Atlas, based on David Mitchell’s acclaimed novel that tells a series of stories from the 19th century to the post-apocalypse.
I’m calling it right now- there’s no way this will be good, and here’s why:
One- the book is unfilmable. It is comprised of a sextet of stories structured like a Russian nesting doll staring at its own reflection. Each section is presented as a historical document in the one that follows, acting as a thematic through line. It is a pastiche of genres, encompassing everything from high seas adventure to post-apocalyptic sci-fi. Each section would make a fine film on its own, but the novel as a whole would be better suited as a mini-series.
Two- The Wachowski
brothers siblings make shitty movies. Easy there, fan boys, search your feelings, you know it to be true. What have they ever given us? The Matrix? While technically impressive, the hokey dialog and sub-par acting leave much to be desired. And don’t even get me started on the pseudo-philosophy of the sequels. The Wachowskis lack the subtly and nuance required to translate the literary scope of Atlas to the screen. They’d turn the whole thing into a 9th grade bondage fantasy, just like everything else they’ve directed. (Coming soon- my thoughts on Speed Racer as family-friendly hentai.)
Is this Halle? All catwomen look the same to me.
Three- Halle Berry. She got lucky when she won the Oscar for having wildebeest sex with Billy Bob in the overrated melodrama that is Monster Balls. All one has to do is go down the list of films she’s made since to corroborate this. Perfect Stranger, Gothika, Catwoman- she’s got nothing.
I had a sliver of hope when Tom Twyker was attached to direct this, even though he didn’t do so hot with the more straightforward Perfume adaptation. My suggestion would be to make Cloud Atlas into an HBO mini-series and let the Wachowskis go make their transsexual civil war space opera. It’s a win-win.
Posted in Books, Film
Tagged Catwoman, Cloud Atlas, Cobalt 9, David Mitchell, Halle Berry, Hentai, Lana Wachowski, Monster's Ball, Natalie Portman, Perfume, Sex Change, Speed Racer, The Matrix, Tom Hanks, Tom Twyker, Wachowskis