Now I know Big Willie and Rocky Dennis get a lot of shit around here (and here and here and here,) but this is just too much. I was all sorts of pumped for Tarantino’s upcoming Blaxploitation “southern,” Django Unchained, but now I’m all sorts of bummed. Multiple sources (but I’ll cite Twitchfilm, because while you’re over there you can check out some of my REVIEWS) are reporting that the Fresh Prince himself is at the top of Curly Q’s list to play a former slave out for revenge.
Sometimes I feel like Tarantino is a victim of his own hype. Yes, he writes great dialog, but that doesn’t mean he can make a wordy conversation about falling into a ditch interesting. Yes, he has an eye for casting, but fuck a duck, that doesn’t make Eli Roth’s cringe-inducing performance in Inglourious Basterds any better. And while Travolta’s performance in Pulp Fiction was fine, Tarantino still has to answer for everything the man has done since. That’s right, Tarantino, Wild Hogs was your fault!
Because as good as he supposedly is with actors, Tarantino has a tendency to let them run wild and play things broad. Is he gonna coax a great performance out of Smith, like he did with Robert Forster in Jackie Brown? Or is he gonna give us another Lieutenant Ham-bone Raine? The material doesn’t exactly scream “subtle,” which is why I have my doubts. Only time will tell, I guess.
I’ve got good news and bad news.
The good news is, it looks like Pippi Longstocking and Uncle Fester have heeded the call of outrage (MY outrage) and abandoned their plans to mutilate David Mitchell’s Cloud Atlas (for now.)
The bad news is, they’ve moved on to something worse. Much, much worse. It pains me to even think about it, so I’ll let I Watch Stuff do the talking:
With Ridley Scott’s version still fresh in our minds, Warner Bros. is already set to give the premise another shot with a modern, urban take on the Robin Hood myth, to be written and directed by the Wachowskis. Will Smith has reportedly already been contacted about playing this heroic robber of the gentrifiers, which I’ll take to mean he’s already negotiating to get his son in this as Will Scarlet.
If you needed any further proof that the Wachowskis are terrible filmmakers, you just got it. Signed, sealed, delivered. This idea is so abhorrent, it boggles my mind. A move like this can only be motivated by money. Money and stupidity. Besides, everyone knows there is only one true Robin of Locksley, and that is curly-locked, pre-Waterworld Kevin Costner. Everything I do, Kevin. Everything I do…
And she is about her father’s business. Following in the footsteps of her parents, Willow Smith pops a squat and unleashes this steaming turd on the chest of humanity. Devo are rolling in their graves, although I wouldn’t be surprised if those graves are filled with Will Smith’s money, as he continues to buy his talentless offspring fame. “What do you want for your Birthday this year, honey? A singing career? Done. I haven’t donated all our money to Scientology yet.”
It’s nice to see black people co-opting white people’s shit for a change, but haven’t we been down this road? Remember Wicked Wisdom, Jada Pinkett’s short lived metal band? I know we all tried to forget, but let’s take a walk down memory lane, shall we?
DISCLAIMER: Thejamminjabber is not responsible for death by douche chills.
And speaking of buying careers, I know you’re all wondering what’s going on with little Karate Kid Jaden Smith. Turns out, M. Night Shyamalan still had a vestige of a soul, because he just sold it to Will Smith. This is what happens when turds collide: Night will be developing One Thousand AE as a starring vehicle for the young set of ears. Lovers of train wrecks everywhere just got disaster boners.
I'm the money, he's the puppet
Posted in Entertainment, Film, Music
Tagged Jada Pnkett, Jaden Smith, M. Night Shyamalan, One Thousand AE, Overbrook Entertainment, Scientology, The Fresh Prince, The Karate Kid, Whip My Hair, Wicked Wisdom, Will Smith, Willow Smith
Check out ROBOT PUBES, a little side-project some friends and I cooked up, like a tasty batch of momma’s home-cooked… pubes.